Dear Wives, Girlfriends & Side Chicks, When It’s Time For Football…

On the football matter, it is sacred. It is simple as that.

The only thing permitted to interrupt the football match are replays of the game. Obviously, NEPA can also interrupt because they are unruly and don’t have self- respect, but that’s not the point.

The football game is not a time for you to make jokes. Even if you’re

the love child of Kevin Hart and Chris Rock the joke will not be funny.

The game is not a time for you to complain about lack of attention. Ask yourself why it’s only during football games you remember you need attention. It’s because you have allowed the devil use you.

Never support the opposition just so my team will lose. It is serious ground for contemplation of divorce, break up or desidechickification.

Don’t ask questions unrelated to football. Like seriously couldn’t they wait?

The live game is not the best time to be taught how football works. Don’t ask us to define the concept of offside, or why it wasn’t a penalty when we’re too busy contemplating why the ref is the 12th player for the other team.

Don’t ever…EVER say that “It’s just a game”. It’s not, it’s life or death.

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Failed Relationship Attempts of 2015

I actually made a New Year resolution at the beginning of the year not to try and date anyone (another reason why I won’t be having New Year’s resolution for 2016). I started so well, I was like a reverend father, devoted to Jesus and my work (Dedicate his life to looking for companion one must not).

Skip to middle of March, then A (of course I’m labelling my crushes with alphabets) happened and my priesthood went out the window. A and I have been friends for a little over two years and it was purely plutonic till I started listening to the devil. We began to spend a lot of time together, okay maybe not 24/7 but some quality time anyway. The problem was A was in a relationship that was complicated at best (but what relationship isn’t?).

According to A, the relationship was practically over. I’m not sure if A knew I liked her at the time but she would soon catch up. Somehow I think she knew I liked her before I knew it because it seemed I had gone from trying to lay the foundations for this house, to being manipulated into laying the foundations. I’m not quite sure, it was a little confusing. One of my three best friends took it upon herself to be my wingman, the other two became a sit in the stands and cheer. So as soon as I heard that A and her Ello bae were no longer an item, with that much needed support from my best friends I went head on to jam trailer.

Yes I mean a trailer, because from the days after I told A how I felt, our conversations went from fun and laughter to monosyllables. The conversations literally became

Me: Hey

A: Hi Ugo

Me: Whats up

A (the next day): Nothing

Me: Hey, took you long enough

A (the next day): oh, sorry, was busy

 To be fair, A was going through some personal issues at the time and it may really not have been about me, but since I was ‘in love’, of course in my mind it was about me. I always wondered “What I did wrong?” “Did I tell her the wrong way” “Was I played?”, “Was this some big joke?” “Was A just the devil?”

My wingman and I hadn’t seen this turn of events, all our projections, cost benefit analysis, feasibility studies. Had we misread all the signs, I can understand if I misread the signs, I can’t even spell properly so misreading is an occupational hazard, but my wingman (who by the way is actually a woman) is a pro. This was a cause of peculiar perplexity.

Eventually I realized that A and I weren’t meant to be. The most painful part for me is that A is drop dead gorgeous. That kind of person that you don’t hear anything they say because you were too busy wondering how fine they were. That actually happened to me a couple of times (okay maybe a lot of times…okay, it happened almost every time. Happy now?), So, after months at grasping straws I moved on (sheds tear).

Then came B. Our relationship was strictly business. Deceive the public that we were dating. The problem was that we had already told the public that we were joking. B and I actually spent close to 6 months on this joke. Princess of no nation (drags her by into post) was my wingman (wingman, wing woman whatever is politically correct for you). Anyway B and I broke up because of the “other women” that were interfering in the relationship because I was always talking and chatting with them. By other women, she was referring to the different personalities and social media accounts of Her Royal Majesty the Princess of no Nation.

Finally around October C happened. The tango with C is a simple case of I like you, I’m not sure you like me, but you are sure you don’t want to date me. (Move along nothing else to see here…okay come back).

My wingman on the A case returned although this time she was less optimistic and really didn’t want this one to go south (I had been through enough heart break lol). This was the conversation between me and my wingman when it did go south

Me: It didn’t work out

WM: ahh, what happened?

Me: She said she’s in a complicated place. (Let me just interject here and ask why every relationship is complicated. Global warming, terrorism, falling oil prices, those are complicated, not relationships. I don’t get).

WM: oh well, that ends that. (Please pay attention to the lack of support and noticeable joy, present in WM’s few words, you won’t be wrong to wonder whose side she’s on).

Anyway so here I am, at the end of the year, flying up the corporate social ladder of team singu pringu. At this point I feel like a founding member or at least a member of the board of this prestigious organization. Maybe, and this is not too great an assumption, I could be the CEO of Singular Pringular Corporation.

 (drops mic)

Shout out to Naija Single Girl for courage to write this.

Loyalty

I love loyal people, there’s nothing I would trade for one loyal friend, someone that will jump off a cliff with me if its worth it. 

I love people that stand by you through thick and thin, people courageous enough to call out my stupidities and idiosyncrasies and strong enough to support me without allowing their knees to tremble under the weight of jealousy. I don’t do short term commitments, you’re either in it for the long haul or you’re not in it at all. 

But of course, life is cruel and it rotates the human resources so that people come and people go. But till life transfers you or me to someone else, I intend to be loyal and I would love if you do the same.

domestic violence

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I bump into my ex-boyfriend
of four-and-a-half years 
at the grocery store
and he tells me he’s learning
how to bake the perfect cheesecake
so he can surprise his new girlfriend.
I bump into my ex-boyfriend
at the local cafe,
and in three days time
we would’ve been together for six years 
had he not raised his hands at me
instead of his voice.
In the game of catching up
the mouse shows this cat
he’s practicing how to draw a portrait sketch
so he can surprise his new girlfriend.
I bump into my ex-boyfriend
and my best friend of 
seven years,
while having lunch at a McDonald’s.
He tells me he’s saving up for a plane ticket
so he can surprise his new girlfriend.
While we laugh over drinks
I jokingly say,
“You never did any of 
those things for me!”
He shrugs, like he can’t be 
bothered with a reply.
And I know though I have forgiven him,
he still does not respect me.
I’m trying to convince myself
there’s nothing wrong with me,
but it’s hard to believe I won’t end up alone
when even the lowlife who abused 
my wrists for two years decides 
I’m not worth his patience, effort, or time.”

It Was My Fault | Sade Andria Zabala (xpsycho)

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