Lagos Island for Dummies: An UgoTalksAlot Guide to Life Lagos Island Ocean

The Island. The créme de la créme of Lagos. The title in all fairness should go to Banana Island in particular, but let’s be honest and objective with the goals we set in this life.

A lot of people live and swim work on the Island because a lot of businesses are situated there. Some people live there to be close to work or other necessities, others live there because JJC carried them there but like everywhere else, the Island has its pros and cons, so here’s what you need to know to make your life a little bit easier.

1. Bring Your GeePee Tank

Remember how I wrote  in a previous post, that there is is no water in Lagos and you need to bring your borehole? Well, this doesn’t apply to most places on the Island. There is plenty of water in Lekki and what you need is a Geepee tank to store all that water. The only issue is, the water doesn’t come from the tap, it comes from the sky and the ground. You may want to consider buying bowls and buckets for packing water from the floor. Also, it may be a wise financial investment to buy shares in the company that makes Dettol because it will be your best friend.

2. Buy a Boat

Does this man have two heads?

A boat is an investment really. If you can afford one, you should probably get it. With your boat, you can enter the ocean and row over to the mainland while your mates are growing old on third mainland bridge.

When everyone is destroying their cars, you can just roll out your boat and enjoy your life. Who needs to go on a cruise ship, when you can row your way across Lekki-Epe Expressway?

Jokes aside, let us take a moment to pray for our friends & family in Lekki and VGC. As the bible says, we should also enemies in state house that have refused to fix drainages. 

3. Bring your gutter.

So as you can see, gutters do not exist in on the Island. Especially in Lekki. They are a myth. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. If you want to go there, bring your own from the mainland. On second thought, mainland drainages get as dem be too sha. Maybe you can rent some from Ibadan or Osogbo to buy gutter and bring, theirs is not amazing but it’s much better. 

To be fair, even when the government attempts to create gutters, Nigerians in typical Nigerian fashion will turn it into a dustbin. 

4. Invest in insecticides.

Island mosquitoes are mosquitoes that have gone abroad to gym and they have come back. Yes, IJGB mosquitoes are an actual thing.  These mosquitoes have body, they are woke and they can suck all your blood at once. You won’t even see them coming, you will just start feeling your blood disappear from your body.

Because I like you, I will tell you what to do. Just buy one big Raid, one big Baygon and a medium-sized Mortein. When you have bought them all,  just use them all at once. Make sure you finish everything, then mosquitoes will die. Or at least I hope they will.

5. Your Bank Account Should Have Sense Small.

You want to live on the Island and you don’t have money? You think they share houses for free in VGC? Everything here has rent price on top. Even your house rent has another house rent added on top of it. Even if you buy a house or build your own property, the Island will still collect rent from you.

Think of it this way, rent is so comparatively expensive that everyone has to chip in to help. So if you walk into Ebeano Supermarket to buy something; there is the standard price, then there is VAT, then there is Lekki VAT, then there is rent. So at the end of the day, something that costs N1,000 elsewhere will go for N1,500 or N1,700.

There is also the small issue of the toll gate. That small money you will pay every day. At the end of the month, you would have paid someone’s minimum wage salary. With that one alone, you suppose know say Lagos Island no be for small pikin. Well except the pikin is an OBO (Omo Baba Olowo), rich man pikin.


If you know this lifestyle is not for your pocket right now, don’t worry we have you covered. You can check out our guide to Lagos and subscribe to get notifications about our upcoming city guides. You know, I care about you and I’m just trying to help your life.

Don’t forget to comment and share. You don’t know who’s life you are saving.


This stuff we call “LOVE”

I’m what you would call a natural overthinker and over planner. If I want to get something done, I’m rather precise. I’ll gather all the available information and strategize using my personal algorithm (which is patent protected), taking into account the easiest and most convenient way, the benchmark outcome that would be regarded as successful as well as the potency of my wallet. If you’ve ever worked on a project with me, I’m sure we’re no longer friends because I annoyed the hell out of you.

So with all this information about my planning compulsion, you can imagine how terrifying life is for me.

When I was in secondary school, SS1, I made this plan for my life.
1) Don’t date in secondary school
2) Study International Relations
3) Date in my second year of university
4) Break up with him before my final year
5) Meet someone else and start a long term friendship leading to a relationship
6) Graduate
7) Masters
8) Marry before 26

The list is up 12 but I can’t be sharing too much, I don’t know you like that
Anyways, somewhere between numbers 4 and 5, my plans began to fall apart and I’ve not been able to get things in order. I was dreaming of some Hollywood best friends romance but I’m realizing now that I haven’t even known what love actually feels like yet.

So if you’re like me (I only speak for girls because I have no idea what guys have to deal with), you probably began to receive the “when you get to your husband’s house” talk from your final year. And the moment (I mean literally the moment) when you graduated, you mom would have said something along the lines of “Next thing I will be celebrating your wedding”. So I’ve had enough time to pity my single condition.

Oh I know what you’re thinking, this is probably one of those woe-is-me,I’m-single posts again. But you’re wrong. I’m going through phases of accepting that God is keeping me single to teach me about what love really is.

I’ll admit I’ve struggled for a while. Going from self loathing; Like what’s wrong with me, why does none want me, to projected hate for all them twitter couples, to transferring aggression to the male species, which I will opening admit now; are not 100% scum. Maybe like 98.99%.

But a thought has recently struck me and I really want to share it. Have you asked yourself, am I dating/ looking for a relationship for the right reasons? I don’t even mean marriage now. Like why do you want to be part of someone’s life. Why do you want to mean so much to someone. Do you even know what love is? Are you capable of love? Or are you just enjoying the moment and the feelings and the physical intimacy. Why do you do it? Are you loving right?

Is your love patient? Or kind? Is your love a giving love? Does your love put your partner above yourself? Does your love seek to make him/her happy and truly know him/her?

Or does your love take? Does it make demands or feel entitled?
Do you know how to love?
Does our generation ever even remember 1 Corinthians 13 as we carry on with our self interests?

Maybe I’m delirious because of loneliness. Or maybe I have too much time on my hands to think about this things. But I’m single, so I have the time to fix myself till the next emotional roller coaster ride comes along. And maybe I’ll learn how to do it right. This thing called love.

NYSC Journal: My Camp Crush

I’m a very introverted person. I don’t have a lot of friends and I can find social interaction very exhausting. People think I’m a snub, a very serious person because it always looks like I’m contemplating the human existential dilemma when really I’m looking for my elusive future girlfriend.

In camp, people thought I was THE snub. My platoon members thought of nominating me for most quiet person in camp the only problem was there was no such award. I really wasn’t doing my girlfriend search any favors. If a girl walked up to talk to me, I’d go through the conversation with the minimum amount of words without sounding rude and the maximum smile, although it was noticeably fake.

One day, during one of the excruciatingly long and lawless lectures, my friends: Favour and Jonathan were dozing and Misan was outside doing Misan things, or random spurts of dance moves. I turned around and there was this girl looking at me. Our eyes met and I looked away then quickly locked eyes again.

She was staring at me stare at her stare at me. After a few seconds she averted her eyes. I smiled internally. About 10 minutes later, I looked back in her direction. She was talking to her friend. I thought she looked really pretty. I was still thinking, when she suddenly turned to me and we were back to staring at each other stare at each other.

The normal human thing to do would be to either wave or walk over to this girl and say something. But a lot of times UgoIsMuteAlot takes over from UgoTalksAlot. The lecture ends and everyone scatters. I have misplaced my newfound crush.

I finally see her the next day during lectures and we do the entire starting thing again. In my mind, I’m having an entire conversation with my crush, in real life, Favour has turned me into a human pillow and Jonathan is talking about Spotify.

After a few days of not seeing my crush, I finally see her with one buff guy. The guy has his arms over her shoulder and she’s leaning on his chest. WHAT A BETRAYED!

I hired Detective Misan to get me all the dirt on my crush and she came back with bad news. The guy was her camp boyfriend. It was a sad day for my human heart.

On bonfire night, Misan, Jonathan and I get seats and are talking when suddenly my crush comes and sits beside us with her camp bae. Misan and my crush know each other,they had a mutual friend who was also there. Since Misan was with Jonathan and I, it meant camp bae had to talk to me. Me I just beat him up and walk away with my crush. Or at least that’s how it happened in my mind. In real life I smiled nicely and joined what had now become a group conversation.

So there I sat for three or so hours, talking and listening to everyone including my crush…who by the way, was cuddling with her boyfriend…just beside me. WHAT A DEEP BETRAYED. My right heart was broken in three.

I just wonder what would have happened if I’d spoken to her sooner. I just went back to my bed and slept away my sorrows.


The feature image was culled from

How To Date An Introvert

Introvert-Extrovert relationships are problematic. They are polar opposites and their differences are not habits or actions that can be changed relatively easily with proper conditioning, the differences are personality oriented.

It’s about how people react in social contexts and how it affects them. Factors like social anxiety; how nervous socializing makes people, shyness, deep thought help differentiate introverts and extroverts but more overlooked is social energy.

I am an introvert and socializing drains me. I can think of millions of excuses not to attend a social event unlike my sister who can think of million reasons to mingle.


I wish I had known what you are about to read a few months ago but I hope someone here gets it in time to keep them together with the person of their dreams.

  1. It’s not by force to be literally together forever

Most introverts will give you grief before you get them out of the house, it’s the way we are and we really don’t need a reason to not want to go out.


As an extrovert what you do is to know which battles to fight. Choose events and keep your feet down for your partner to attend and if they know about it in advance it helps a lot. It gives them the time to mentally prepare (cast demons, bind devils and become transfigured). You also need to be okay not going to events with your significant other but it may take a while. An introvert may forever hate spontaneous social events but there are a lot of other things to be spontaneous about. Just give them time to peel away the layers and reveal their real faces.


  1. You don’t have to leave together

Couples who have been married for a long time have learned the importance of going to events with different cars, you may need to borrow a leaf. If you drag an introvert out they will definitely get tired long before you. Some people will persevere and stay till the end others just can’t. So if you’re dating someone who isn’t longsuffering learn to let them go home because sooner or later they’re going to unwittingly ruin your event with their sour mood. They’re really just drained.

  1. Peace, Space & Quiet

Introverts need alone time, think of it as eating food to get energy. You need to give space or at the very least quiet. It’s worse when your partner works in a very social they space they make come home bright and happy but that’s really the last bar of the battery giving notification that it’s about to die. People often mistake it for mood swings and although in some ways that’s what it is, it’s nothing a period of peace and quiet can’t fix. Sometimes just seat with your partner and Netflix and chill. 635915427285016541-992298832_635631062252597205103151809_introvert-mind

  1. Know how to converse.

While extroverts are extremely good at conversing if you’re in a relationship with one you have to learn how to take your game to the next level. Introverts are quiet a lot of times because the discussion hasn’t pulled our strings. When that happens watch us dominate the conversation. Think of it as laying the foundation then allowing us to build the rest of the house. Some introverts prefer texts to face to face communication, try and find that right balance for your relationship. A word of advice serial questions is not a great way to get introverts to talk, but it is a way a lot of introverts often try to get people to talk.

  1. Be Yourself

A lot of times extroverts try to tame themselves to become more introverted and vice versa and this doesn’t work because you will end up killing yourself and your relationship. You want to reach a compromise not a conformity.  Introverts are great listeners, do your thing and talk. Soon they’d take over the conversation. You can scale down social events you attend together or you can just have more compact social events with a few friends as against a full blown party. Be crazy even when your partner is the sane one in the room, they love it that way even though they may never tell you.

Most importantly have clear and straight conversations about limits and know how much solitude you as an extrovert can handle and how much mingling your introverted partner can take without needing to enter the ground to find peace.

To both introverts and extroverts know your limits but don’t be stubborn about it, be flexible and challenge yourself take on a little more adventure and a little more routine most importantly meet yourselves halfway


Rantings of a Wounded Heart

Written by Idaphuerie 

Why does it feel like my heart is breaking inside
I know you’re toxic but I keep coming back

What’s with the lies, the poisoned arrows and jabs

How could I not see beyond your smiles

I loved you like a sister

Now you hurt me like a blister

I saw us in the future

You can’t give me a feature 

I cant get over the fact that you left without a bother 

What is love if it is conditional

Why should we put restrictions on people

Look like this, don’t talk like that

Never look prettier than me

Watch out if you piss me off

Let me treat you like crap when I feel like crap

But never you try that cos you’ll end up on the sand

I want your unending loyalty

But I can sly you without a thought

Always come through for me

But don’t hold your breath on me

We can walk together as long as my friends don’t like you more than me

But I can’t keep up

You need a heart of stone to even try this

I can’t keep giving love and getting fickle affection

I can’t give trust and still have to watch my back

That’s your job, it’s in the contract

Love is the opposite of hate

How can the two abide in you

I was rooting for you tho

No one else saw you getting there like I saw you 

I’m just trying to make peace with the fact that you’re gone

You might have been poison but you were sweet while it lasted

I can’t get you off my mind just yet

But don’t worry time and distance will do the trick

I hope one day you see me and you gnash your teeth

And you wonder if all that pride was worth it

I think a part of me will always love you

Or the idea and memories of you

Stay petty and small, till we meet again.

Feature image by Zyari.

Heart’s Weren’t Made To be Broken 

The heart means so many things, the heart does so many things, the heart is so many things and the heart can take so many things. It’s the headquarters of all of the entirety of life. The nucleus of our reality. It stores the multifaceted essence of our existence.

Bend it, bruise it, brush it aside but never break it.

When the heart wants what it wants, it darkens the brightest intellect, grinds logical arguments to powder and defies the simplest lines of reasons. Let’s be truthful, it makes us mad.

Isn’t it madness?

 To put someone’s safety above yours, to loose complete control of your faculties as it wanders and wonders what they’re thinking, where they’re going, if they’re thinking about you and if they love you as much as you love them.

Suddenly, you being to get a whole new sight to view life, to read words, to interprets gestures.

‘Heyyy’ makes your heart jump to your throat in excitement

‘Miss you’ makes your fingers tremble with joy

‘Love you’…no greater words can ever be spoken…

A Prolonged silence becomes worrisome,

‘We need to talk’ makes your skin crawl

One word answers; who are we kidding? A state of emergency!

And when the conversation lulls and the love begins to blur, the heart begins to gasp and grasp at tiny fragments as it disintegrates. It presses against your chest, disorients your thoughts, upsets your mood and you can’t explain it. You can’t tell what’s going on. You tell everyone you’re fine and pray to God that they missed the lump that inserted itself in your throat as you spoke those words.

You’re prayer is answered,, they missed it, but you didn’t. You go from The Hulk to Popoye without Spinach real quick. All your energy is gone, the lump geometrically multiplies and before you know it your eyes begin to burn. You tell your heart to be strong, to stand tall but it won’t. It’s given up, licking its wounds and messing with your moods.

See the heart wasn’t meant to be broken.

Bent, bruised, brushed aside; all of which it takes in stride. It can still look up, dream and be inspired. But when in a twist of fate, the heart snaps. There is no bandage, no short cut, you will feel the burn.

The heart is so many things, does so many things, endures so many things but it never came with shock absorbers for when it’s broken.

In Another World

In Another world, I wish we were together
Holding hands and telling stories that’ll make us laugh

Laughter so hard our ears would tear up

In another world, I’d pick up the phone and call

Tell you all about my day and listen to yours

The good, the bad the huckleberry Finn

I’ll let you know that not hearing but seeing you

Was causing a heartache that doctors couldn’t diagnose

In another world, you’d be up there just beneath God

On the priorities and the reasons I wake up

Our silence would be platinum

When we speak, the words bright like diamonds

In another world I’d stare into your eyes

And know in that second that everything was going to be alright

I’d hold your gaze till all the storms go away,

After all, Jesus said we could do the same

It would be fun that’ll never end

But this isn’t another world

And you and I are world apart

And as I sit daydreaming in class

It’s time to come back to the reality that

It’s okay to dream and hope it does pass

But life does stuff and I’m like 

Can I please pass

When You Find What You Love To Do

You do it like it’s the only thing you know how to do; 

Like the whole essence of your multifaceted existence

hinges on its successes and your persistence

You do it like there would be a sudden cessation of your cardiac function

You gulp it down like one fighting grave dehydration

see it with closed eyes

and speak of it with sealed lips

So write till the ink finishes and your finger bleeds a new color

Till the your soul has been conveyed on paper,

Write even when no one reads

Even when it sounds corny and you don’t know what it needs

And write till you have no more words,

But do not forget that even when you have no more words,

Write that you have no more words

So sing till your vocal cords singe from friction

Till your voice hits some form of attrition

They may call it noise pollution

But know that the melody maybe someone’s much needed solution

And don’t forget to grow

Till mouths are ajar saying ‘oh

I didn’t think they would be here this long

But with my eyes I’ve seen them become this strong’

Six months a Single Pringle

So basically, operation #seizethebae2015 has been an epic fail.

The year is already over, there’s no hope. DO NOT try and console me.

I mean, I’m a fine girl. Like  6.5 on a scale of 1-10; If I have to say so myself (which apparently, I do).  Lightskinned, no pimples, no k-leg, no nothing. I even come complete with my own naturally grown fleeky eyebrows.

Yet, still…


Being a singular pringular is not easy for someone in my condition. I mean, I have needs.

Like Melting Moments type of needs.

But any ways, what can a girl do

A girl must

The funny thing is. I actually started well y’know…

You remember in secondary school, when your maths teacher calls you to solve an example in front of the class and you get it correct… As a boss…

Then test comes and people ask you “What did you get?”

“I haven’t seen my script yet”



Yep, that’s exactly what happened to me. Started 2015 with bae successfully seized and like play, like play, I have arrived November on some self love nonsense.

So I’ve been single since June or so…  By now, I thought someone would just come over and be like “Hey cutie, come over here and get some lovin’” and then  I would front small like “Yeah.. give me some time, I’ll have to think about it” .

Instead I’m just here pending, and all my friends are asking me for relationship advice. Really, what’s up with that? How on earth am I suppose to know? I am just a lone pringle in this world; vulnerable  and easy to smash.

So everyone, plix ep.  Even if you don’t want me, tell your friends to tell their friends

Don’t worry, I am not selective. All I require is complete set of limbs and an average IQ and we are good to go. Just slide into my dms. @PrincessIlonze I am a very nice person. I swear.

If you’re too shy to slide, just follow me and then like one of my tweets, I’ll get the message.

Autosliding 100% guaranteed.



I’m not thirsty.

Are You In Love With Nigeria?

Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever!
1 Cor 13:8
I was listening to three people have a conversation some time ago although they were really loud and annoying there wasn’t a need to eavesdrop. 
Two of them talked about how if they became the Nigerian president one day, they would either tell all thier cabinet members to steal as much as they could or they wouldn’t stop them. At this point the third person rejoined the conversation querying the two of them. He told them that what they wanted to do was the reason why this country was not moving forward because everyone wanted to steal money and nobody cared about the ordinary man on the street. I wished I could support the third person, but by the time he was done talking his argument sounded so immature and weak compared to the “lets steal money” argument that I just minded my business. It wasn’t weak because of the way the person spoke but because he was speaking against the norm of society. 
Lest I forget the scripture above and its relation to my story. I think whenever people hear scriptures on love they usually zoom into one of two things either the love for God or the love of God for men everywhere. I believe whenever the bible talks about love it talks about these two things and they are inseparable and equally important. 
There something so powerful about love, it’s not always the mushy, romantic words you tell your spouse, it’s the will to discipline your child becaus you want the best, the sincerity to tell people the honest truth and not lie to their face, it’s the sacrifices we make to keep people happy, love is what we give when we have nothing to give. 
Humanity has known no greater force than love. Love carries out transactions through its subsidiaries like passion. Passionate people or people full of deep love for a cause have repeatedly been the men that changed the world. People like  Maryin Luther King, Nelson Mandela, Ghandi, Paul Rusesabangida even Steve Jobs changed the world because of the love they had, they couldn’t be stopped even in death. 
Love a weapon a powerful tool of governance. You can’t govern a people you don’t have an emotional connection with. You can’t keep a job or lead an organization you don’t have passion for. We need someone who sees Nigeria as an extension of his or her family and will take national issues personal. 
We need a man or woman that loves this country. Someone that will give Nigerians some good loving. We need an actual Nigerian, not someone bound by ethnic and religious shackles but someone that is first and foremost a Nigerian. We need someone more interested in the 170 million Nigerians than him or herself. 
We need some Love, some real good loving. 
So I ask Mst, Mr, Mrs. Or Miss, are you in love with Nigeria?

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