Tag Archives: life

Sponsored: Top 10 Hangout Spots in Abuja

Abuja isn’t just Nigeria’s political capital. In many ways, it’s the fun city of Nigeria. Abuja is the city with all levels of entertainment, but somehow, many people don’t know where the cool spots are, especially if you new to the city. Lucky for you, there’s an easy guide to having a fun time in Abuja.

  1. The Bank

bank20ab-161-56e82ae479c6eThis is a nightclub located along Aminu Kano Crescent, Wuse II. Some call it the Quilox of Abuja. At the Bank, you’ll enjoy a great mix of music, fun and fashion. If you are lucky, you might catch your favourite celebrity dancing along with you!

Hotels close to The Bank, Abuja
Transcorp Hilton Abuja
Rockview Hotel
Crown Princess Hotels 
Summerset Continental Hotel

2. Blucabana

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The Blucabana is a restaurant and cafe located in Mabushi, away from the hustle and bustle of major city areas. Pay the place a visit, enjoy a good meal and have a good time.

Hotels Near BluCabana
Sheraton Abuja Hotel
Hatfield Hotel, Jabi

3. Blake Resort

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The Blake Resort is a great place for fun, hanging out with friends or a night out. Enjoy an outdoor experience in a serene environment. It is nestled at Muhammed Bello Way, Garki II, Abuja.

Hotels Near Blake Resort
Emirates International Hotel
La Don Hotels

4. The Trukadero Place

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The Trukadero Place is the go-to spot for bowling in Abuja. The establishment is located in  131B Ademola Adetokunbo Crescent, Wuse II, Abuja.

Apart from bowling, you can also enjoy a variety of billiard games, an amusement park, and a restaurant. This is one of the best places to be in Abuja.

Hotels Near The Trukadero Place
Cross Road Hotel (Formerly known as Villa U Hotels)
Chateau de Trybze
Beverly Hills Hotels

5. Cubana Lounge

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The Cubana Lounge is a great night club in Wuse II. The club features a private jet in the middle of the club.

Hotels Near The Cubana Lounge
Dreamland Suites
Kryxtal Suites Wuse 2
Summit Villas Suites

6. The Secret Garden

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The Secret Garden is located in Riverplate Park, off Ahmadu Bello Way. It is a perfect outdoor spot for solitary relaxation or spending quality time with friends and family. It’s also home to the best pizza in Abuja.

Hotels Near The Secret Garden
Bolton White Hotel

7. Sky Bar Rooftop Lounge

header_sky-bar-rooftop-lounge-summerset-abujaThis is a picturesque rooftop bar and one of the most luxurious locations in Abuja. This lounge in Asokoro is great for an intimate night for your special someone.

Hotels Near Skye Bar Rooftop Lounge
Barcelona Hotel

8. Millennium Park

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Millennium Park is a grand expanse of greenery beautiful for any time of day. At night, the park is especially breathtaking with its subtle lighting and numerous water fountains. Grab a blanket and some food and head over to the park for a nice time.

Hotels near Millennium Park, Abuja
Pope John Paul Catholic Guest House
Orient Hotel

9. Jabi Lake

3316789_origJabi Lake is the closest to a beach experience you can get in Abuja. In some ways, it’s a lot more than a beach with its numerous water sports and the newly completed Jabi Lake Mall offering you endless possibilities.

It’s a great place to spend time as a group, shop, enjoy the view from the terrace or just catch a movie.

Hotels Near Jabi Lake
Nugget Hotels
Reiz Continental Hotel
Ritman Hotels

10. Gurara Falls

guraraThough located on the outskirts of the city borders, Gurara Falls is too beautiful a location to be left out of this list. The fall has amazing scenes of rock formations together with the beautiful flora of evergreen trees and bushes, rivers, ponds and waterfalls all around you. It is located between Suleja, Abuja and Minna, the Niger state capital.

On your way to Gurara Falls, you can make a stop at the glorious national site that is Zuma Rock.

Abuja people, did I miss any place? Don’t beat me, just let me know. Comment comment comment

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15 Places Where You Can Find Rich Husbands in Lagos

Wouldn’t you love to have a BellaNaija wedding? To have that Valentino dress, make everyone jealous and all the ladies want to be you? Wouldn’t it be nice to have all your money troubles disappear? You can do things at your own pace from a point of comfort. Or maybe you’re just tired of sharing the bills and having to understand his financial situation.  Baby, you know things are tough right now. 

Girl, you deserve the best in life! Sometimes, you might not just be so lucky to have it happen to you by accident. So go seek it out. Go and find the love of your life that will pamper you will luxury. He might not be hanging out in your usual circle. So…you have to find him in his.

There are a few places in Lagos that are known to be where your future bae hangs out. Most of these places are in Lagos Island, so you might actually want to consider moving there -if you don’t already. Keep reading for a cheat sheet on landing a life of wealth.

 

1. Protea Hotel

protea-hotel-ikeja-lagos-.jpgThis is one of the few establishments in Ikeja that the rich young men are known to congregate. You can also cup yourself an oyibo bae if you play your cards right.

 

2. Four Points

Four-Points-by-Sheraton-Lagos-Hotel.jpgFour Points by Sheraton is the younger cooler version of the vintage Sheraton Hotel. The clientele is notably younger too but the fatness of their wallets is not to be underestimated.

 

3. Eko Hotel

Eko Hotel ans SuitesYou are seeing the trend right? Rich men like to hang out in hotels in Lagos. But not just any hotels, the high-rise ones with expensive rooms. Just stroll in, talk to the receptionists, hang around the lobby and flirt. You never know you might get lucky.

Legend has it that men in Eko Hotel are also considerably generous.

4. Sheraton Hotel

sheratonlagosext.jpgSheraton!. You can’t go wrong with this old faithful. Just buy yourself the most expensive bottle of coke you will find in Lagos, sit down and look pretty.

 

5. Palms Shopping Mall ( specific places like Cafe Vergano)

Palms Shopping Mall Lekki-hotels.ng.jpgYou are probably thinking, “Is it not the same shoprite I go to every day?” No, it isn’t. There’s Palms Shopping Mall and there’s Palms Shopping Mall. You need to open your third eye. There are several lounges in the mall you’ve probably never thought of entering. You should. Your future husband is there.

 

6. Atican Beach Resort

atican beach resort aerial view-hotels.ng.jpgCompared to Elegushi Beach and Oniru Beach, Atican Beach is probably not considered popular. But… it’s one of the Island’s best-kept secrets. It’s private so you can easily walk into a rich young man looking for some relaxation or maybe a group of rich friends just hanging out.

7. Lekki-Ikoyi Bridge at 6 am

Joggers on the Lekki Ikoyi link bridge.jpgWomen are masters at multitasking. It is a known fact. So why not make it worth your while. You can stay fit and meet the love of your life all at once. Here’s how to do it. Wake up in the early am, dress in really nice up-to-date sportswear. No hair net, no hair rollers. Pack that thing is a cute ponytail. Look your best but make sure it’s effortless. You want to give the impression that you woke up like this. Now jog across Lekki-Ikoyi bridge, but not too hard, you have to look like you are floating with every step.

When a car headlight approaches, look unbothered. But also observe the caliber of the vehicle coming your way. It’s the very first impression that counts in this case. You may not meet your Mr. Right the first time, but if you are consistent, you’ll get noticed.

8. Intercontinental Hotel

intercontinental-hotel-lagos.jpegAnother hotel lobby lined with gold, get to digging.

 

9. Lagos Oriental Hotel

lagos-oriental-hotel-lagos-.jpgOlamide shot his “Lagos Boys” video here. So that should tell you something.

 

10. Murtala Mohammed Airport

murtala-muhammed-international-airport-lagos-nigeria-mmia.jpgDon’t all Hollywood romances have an airport scene? Why should our dear MMA be any different? Just be careful not to encounter an overdressed “Importer Exporter” claiming to be an O.B.O.

 

11. Wedding Receptions in Lagos Island

wedding-events-hotels.ng.jpgGo to the wedding looking like a “Slay Mama”, make sure you walk around a lot so he can get several views of you. There’s always that one guy at the wedding that catches your eye and if the wedding is on the Island, then your chances of catching a sugar bae increase exponentially.

 

12. La Mango Restaurant

la-mango-lagos-hotels.ngLa Mango is arguably the most talked restaurant and bar on the mainland. So of course, rich men like to go there. They also particularly love its outdoor seating, it’s breathtaking poolside and the rooftop terrace. Do you know what this means for you? You can wear your swimsuit and show off your best assets.

 

13. Ikeja City Mall (specific places like Rhapsody’s and Spurs)

Rhapsody's Ikeja City Mall.jpgLike I said about The Palms, these malls are not to be underestimated. Look beyond what you see.

 

14. Zenbah

zenbah-hotels.ngThis is one of the most expensive cocktail places in Lagos. You know what that means. No further explanation needed.

 

15. New Age Churches

House on the Rock.jpgElevation Church, House on the Rock, COZA, Guiding Light Assembly and all the “New Age Churches” are the in thing now. What’s better than a rich man who enjoys the presence of God?

There you have it. You’ve got all the tools. Now go forth and prosper. Don’t be selfish, share this with others. You will need a wingman when you go to these places anyways. Please invite me to your wedding, this advice is not for free, I want to eat party rice.

Lagos Island for Dummies: An UgoTalksAlot Guide to Life Lagos Island Ocean

The Island. The créme de la créme of Lagos. The title in all fairness should go to Banana Island in particular, but let’s be honest and objective with the goals we set in this life.

A lot of people live and swim work on the Island because a lot of businesses are situated there. Some people live there to be close to work or other necessities, others live there because JJC carried them there but like everywhere else, the Island has its pros and cons, so here’s what you need to know to make your life a little bit easier.

1. Bring Your GeePee Tank

Remember how I wrote  in a previous post, that there is is no water in Lagos and you need to bring your borehole? Well, this doesn’t apply to most places on the Island. There is plenty of water in Lekki and what you need is a Geepee tank to store all that water. The only issue is, the water doesn’t come from the tap, it comes from the sky and the ground. You may want to consider buying bowls and buckets for packing water from the floor. Also, it may be a wise financial investment to buy shares in the company that makes Dettol because it will be your best friend.

2. Buy a Boat

Does this man have two heads?

A boat is an investment really. If you can afford one, you should probably get it. With your boat, you can enter the ocean and row over to the mainland while your mates are growing old on third mainland bridge.

When everyone is destroying their cars, you can just roll out your boat and enjoy your life. Who needs to go on a cruise ship, when you can row your way across Lekki-Epe Expressway?

Jokes aside, let us take a moment to pray for our friends & family in Lekki and VGC. As the bible says, we should also enemies in state house that have refused to fix drainages. 

3. Bring your gutter.

So as you can see, gutters do not exist in on the Island. Especially in Lekki. They are a myth. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. If you want to go there, bring your own from the mainland. On second thought, mainland drainages get as dem be too sha. Maybe you can rent some from Ibadan or Osogbo to buy gutter and bring, theirs is not amazing but it’s much better. 

To be fair, even when the government attempts to create gutters, Nigerians in typical Nigerian fashion will turn it into a dustbin. 

4. Invest in insecticides.

Island mosquitoes are mosquitoes that have gone abroad to gym and they have come back. Yes, IJGB mosquitoes are an actual thing.  These mosquitoes have body, they are woke and they can suck all your blood at once. You won’t even see them coming, you will just start feeling your blood disappear from your body.

Because I like you, I will tell you what to do. Just buy one big Raid, one big Baygon and a medium-sized Mortein. When you have bought them all,  just use them all at once. Make sure you finish everything, then mosquitoes will die. Or at least I hope they will.

5. Your Bank Account Should Have Sense Small.

You want to live on the Island and you don’t have money? You think they share houses for free in VGC? Everything here has rent price on top. Even your house rent has another house rent added on top of it. Even if you buy a house or build your own property, the Island will still collect rent from you.

Think of it this way, rent is so comparatively expensive that everyone has to chip in to help. So if you walk into Ebeano Supermarket to buy something; there is the standard price, then there is VAT, then there is Lekki VAT, then there is rent. So at the end of the day, something that costs N1,000 elsewhere will go for N1,500 or N1,700.

There is also the small issue of the toll gate. That small money you will pay every day. At the end of the month, you would have paid someone’s minimum wage salary. With that one alone, you suppose know say Lagos Island no be for small pikin. Well except the pikin is an OBO (Omo Baba Olowo), rich man pikin.

 

If you know this lifestyle is not for your pocket right now, don’t worry we have you covered. You can check out our guide to Lagos and subscribe to get notifications about our upcoming city guides. You know, I care about you and I’m just trying to help your life.

Don’t forget to comment and share. You don’t know who’s life you are saving.

Failing Igbo Like A Boss

My French is better than my Igbo. I’m not proud of it, but I don’t speak Igbo very well, actually I don’t speak Igbo at all. My Dad wasn’t the biggest fan of the language so he never spoke it to us and I still don’t know why my mum never spoke it to us growing up. 

Before you think I’m blaming my parents, which I obviously am, I’ve lived most of my life around Hausa or Yoruba speakers and my French is better than my Yoruba or Hausa combined. Let’s just say,  je suis un peu fier du moi-même, juste un peu. (I can neither confirm nor deny that I checked google translate for that). 

In Primary school Igbo was never taught as a subject, we were above such tribalistic philistinism.  In secondary school however, that was a different case. 

I aced Igbo in Js 1 because the Igbo teacher gave us the exam questions before hand, so I cramed and poured. I was a boss. In Js 2, my school had no available Igbo teacher for my set so we skipped it. To be honest, I can’t really remeber much of what happened in my JS 3 when it comes to Igbo. 

In SS 2, I got the toughest Igbo teacher South East Nigeria has ever produced, she was like a hammer banging Igbo down my head by fire and force. Because of the syllabus, we were supposed to be reading Igbo literature and you have to understand that for some reason, I read Igbo fine. I just had no clue what I was saying. 

My Igbo teacher knew I was an Igbo language imbecile but, she would always ask me to interprete what I’d just read. Then when I couldn’t, she’d ask me to kneel down. She’d then go on a long monologue about how I was a ceremonial head. Apparently being the headboy meant you had to pass every subject with flying colours. This happened in every class at leat twice a week throughout my penultimate year. It happened so much that every time Igbo period came around on the time table, it meant fear and trepidation. Some of my classmates would even jeer me, asking if I was ready for the war to come and that is how the cycle would continue throughout till exams. 

It’s pretty difficult trying to pass an exam when you literally cannot understand the questions. My Igbo vocabulary at the time was limited to about 10-20 words, it has caught lingual atrophy now. If I didn’t see any of those words, it meant more blank space in my answer sheet and if I did see a word I knew, it meant chicken scratch handwriting was going in my answer sheet. 

When your exam answer sheet is filled with chicken scratched ink prints and blank spaces, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that the failure that is about to hit you is gathering red biro. 

So, first term I failed, second term I failed third term I failed and each term I failed Igbo, the teacher would always call me to her office and hand me my partially marked exam script asking me to continue from where I stopped. 

I would sit down in her office, looking at the ceiling, chewing my pen and I still wouldn’t be able to form a coherent Igbo sentence. So when she got tired of seeing my face she’d send me away and when the result would come out, I would fail it. 

When I was given the option in my last year to drop Igbo, I dropped it like it was hot. Literally. The only thing that would have given me more joy, would be if I could drop mathematics.

Whenever I see that Igbo teacher now, I smile like we’re cool. Really we are, I don’t have anything against her. She was just doing her job, which included making my life miserable. I just wonder if my kids will ever learn Igbo. 🤔

Happy Birthday Mummy Ugo

Sooooooo

Today is Mummy Ugo’s birthday. She (I do not have the authorization to reveal) years old today. Almost everyone thinks their mums are the best and so do I.

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This woman has been so instrumental in the man I’m growing up to become. Not only has she paid my school fees since I was old enough to realize I hated school, after my dad passed I saw her stare depression in the face and come out of it a better, stronger and wiser woman.

She’s also a very good hugger which if you know anything about life is very important to have good hugs near you.

Let me stop before I embarrass myself  but biko I take God beg you, if you have liked ordinary full-stop on this blog just go to the comment section and wish Mummy Ugo a happy birthday. Please ehn, I’m begging all those anonymous readers, just comment, biko.

If you comment not only will you be wishing my mum a wonderful birthday, you’ll be making it easy for me to ask her for money in the near future.

God bless you as you comment.

How To Date An Introvert

Introvert-Extrovert relationships are problematic. They are polar opposites and their differences are not habits or actions that can be changed relatively easily with proper conditioning, the differences are personality oriented.

It’s about how people react in social contexts and how it affects them. Factors like social anxiety; how nervous socializing makes people, shyness, deep thought help differentiate introverts and extroverts but more overlooked is social energy.

I am an introvert and socializing drains me. I can think of millions of excuses not to attend a social event unlike my sister who can think of million reasons to mingle.

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I wish I had known what you are about to read a few months ago but I hope someone here gets it in time to keep them together with the person of their dreams.

  1. It’s not by force to be literally together forever

Most introverts will give you grief before you get them out of the house, it’s the way we are and we really don’t need a reason to not want to go out.

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As an extrovert what you do is to know which battles to fight. Choose events and keep your feet down for your partner to attend and if they know about it in advance it helps a lot. It gives them the time to mentally prepare (cast demons, bind devils and become transfigured). You also need to be okay not going to events with your significant other but it may take a while. An introvert may forever hate spontaneous social events but there are a lot of other things to be spontaneous about. Just give them time to peel away the layers and reveal their real faces.

introverts

  1. You don’t have to leave together

Couples who have been married for a long time have learned the importance of going to events with different cars, you may need to borrow a leaf. If you drag an introvert out they will definitely get tired long before you. Some people will persevere and stay till the end others just can’t. So if you’re dating someone who isn’t longsuffering learn to let them go home because sooner or later they’re going to unwittingly ruin your event with their sour mood. They’re really just drained.

  1. Peace, Space & Quiet

Introverts need alone time, think of it as eating food to get energy. You need to give space or at the very least quiet. It’s worse when your partner works in a very social they space they make come home bright and happy but that’s really the last bar of the battery giving notification that it’s about to die. People often mistake it for mood swings and although in some ways that’s what it is, it’s nothing a period of peace and quiet can’t fix. Sometimes just seat with your partner and Netflix and chill. 635915427285016541-992298832_635631062252597205103151809_introvert-mind

  1. Know how to converse.

While extroverts are extremely good at conversing if you’re in a relationship with one you have to learn how to take your game to the next level. Introverts are quiet a lot of times because the discussion hasn’t pulled our strings. When that happens watch us dominate the conversation. Think of it as laying the foundation then allowing us to build the rest of the house. Some introverts prefer texts to face to face communication, try and find that right balance for your relationship. A word of advice serial questions is not a great way to get introverts to talk, but it is a way a lot of introverts often try to get people to talk.

  1. Be Yourself

A lot of times extroverts try to tame themselves to become more introverted and vice versa and this doesn’t work because you will end up killing yourself and your relationship. You want to reach a compromise not a conformity.  Introverts are great listeners, do your thing and talk. Soon they’d take over the conversation. You can scale down social events you attend together or you can just have more compact social events with a few friends as against a full blown party. Be crazy even when your partner is the sane one in the room, they love it that way even though they may never tell you.

Most importantly have clear and straight conversations about limits and know how much solitude you as an extrovert can handle and how much mingling your introverted partner can take without needing to enter the ground to find peace.

To both introverts and extroverts know your limits but don’t be stubborn about it, be flexible and challenge yourself take on a little more adventure and a little more routine most importantly meet yourselves halfway

NONE OF THE IMAGES USED IN THIS POST ARE MINE.

Brain dead

I used to be so intellectual

Since exams ended last week, I’ve realized some profound and disturbing things First of all, it appears that I’ve been studying for so long that I now HAVE to study. I’m serious, after exams the first thing I did was watch a LOT of TED Talks; Talks about 3D printing, Li-fi, autonomous vehicles, tons and tons of shit that actually do not concern me.

I swear, I really couldn’t help myself.

Another discovery I made and perhaps the most depressing is that my intelligence is directly proportional to my educational activities. Basically, I have to be in school, attending classes, reading for tests, doing assignments and insulting lecturers or my IQ begins to slowly depreciate.

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I’m serious, without school all I learn, I learn from twitter. And Twitter these days is all about shitty celebrity marriages so essentially my mind is doomed.

I can’t even tell intellectual jokes anymore. I’ve even forgotten how to use big grammar to confuse people. I used to be an expert at puns and throwin’ shade… oh how the mighty have fallen.

I’m so aimless these days, if I see you on the road, best believe I’m following you to wherever the hell you are going. Me… that used to always have my days planned out, down to bathroom breaks.

The other day, I was talking about someone whose name is Winner and I said on his birthday we should sing “Winner oh oh oh….”

And I laughed.

Alone.

#issallova #plixepp

Very soon I’ll start talking like Jenifa.

Emi, Princessi kan

Someone please come and send me to school. Before I go and enroll myself in an online course on mixology or tattooing or something.

 

Clubbing & Other Social’s In Secondary School 

The biggest social event in my secondary school was always the Birthday Celebration. Once or twice every term, the school would throw a party for all students who’s birthdays were in the months that had passed or in the case of December babies like myself, the months that was to follow. Birthday celebration was huge in school, night prep got cancelled, the biggest and brightest stars in the school were also billed to perform as well as those that wanted to blow.

The very first thing you had to know as a junior student that was a celebrant was that, on that day, except you were exceptionally generous you had to hide and solowack (the scientific act of eating alone and eating in peace). Birthday celebrants always got chicken, and in school chicken wasn’t gold. It was the entire goldmine. Seniors would bully the chicken into you till you gave it to them like a coward bargaining for his life. The chicken wasn’t the biggest in the world, it wasn’t even big, but considering what boarding schools give as food, that chicken was heaven.

The chicken was the biggest thing that separated celebrants from the other students, that and the Mathset that celebrants were given as presents. As one who always turned everything in the Mathset into a ruler, never mind that the triangle things are set squares, those Mathsets meant a lot. I just wish I didn’t always get the fake ones. Oh wait, they were always fake. Still made great rulers though.

When the party starts the social prefects usually brought on the entertainment in order of how interesting they thought they would be. On a good birthday celebration, you’d get an amazing event, a whole album of new songs for all my female classmates to sing from that day till we vacated. On a bad day, we got a borefest. People would literally doze off as the singers went off key or the rap bars broke. On those days, break dancers were our only salvation.

When I was in the graduating class, my set wasn’t didn’t have the most prolific dance crew. What we had was rap. Two rival groups, one called The Factory Boys and the other, The Forrellis. I also suspected the Forrellis got their name from a GTA game and the factory boys because they were all in technical class and were initially an all boys crew.

Factory was the better crew, at least they were the more preferred crew. Added to that they gave us our very own Nicki Minaj, Dialo. Dialo would grab the mic when it was time for her to perform, get on the stage, spitting bars and using her tiny (but cute) fingers to give the Rap attitude.

Organising performances for the rappers took a lot of work. Often time, The Factory boys had to make plenty beats during the holidays, burn them on CD’s and smuggle them into school. This wasn’t an easy task but they were really committed to entertaining us. They would start rehearsing for birthday celebrations that hadn’t even gotten fixed dates yet.

While Factory and Forrellis battled it out on the stage, we would be on our seats, pouring libation on our souls with a drink called Good Time. Good Time was basically black currant flavour mixed with water and an impotency causing amount of sugar, put in a bottle and a poorly designed Good Time label slapped across.

If you think the drink was bad wait till you see how people misers drank it. The Celebration could end at 7pm and that 30CL bottle of Good Time would not finish till Sunday morning after church. Even worse, some people would embezzle the public Good Time and have about six bottles. But we weren’t bothered. The black currant gave us energy, it made us grove, we were as energetic as the Spartans after King Leonidas screamed “TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL!” On good days, however we got Tampico. Never Coca-Cola or Fanta and I was always curious as to why.

As we got drunk and potentially impotent on Good time, there would always be a corresponding solid entry. Biscuit. I suspect this has played a major role in my sister’s dumbfounding love for biscuits of all kind. I’m not complaining, I’ve used it to bribe her so many times. The biscuits were a constantly changing trend. From Parle G to Beloxi to Coaster, we chewed the crunchy goodness out of them all.

Of course cake was supposed to be the main attraction. The problem…the size. Ushers would pass huge trays containing tons of cake, cut from as big as a quarter of a fist to as small as Maggi cube. The size of cake you got usually depended on what was left when the tray got to you. But who cared…we were eating cake. We gulped that thing like nobody’s business and were reenergised for the next few days.

The night usually ended with break dancing and a prayer. I remember once, a crew danced to a snippet of Lecrae’s Fanatic. I will never forget a very furious principal coming up to the stage to announce that break dancing had been banned. All she heard was the sings opening

“I’m a F-A-N-A-T-I-C”…but that was all she needed to hear. It took a while for dancing to be re-allowed and even longer time for a group of people wearing white to stop dancing to Diana Ross’s “He lives in you” and a song called Opomulero (I can’t remember the name of the group except it was Jesus something).

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Heart’s Weren’t Made To be Broken 

The heart means so many things, the heart does so many things, the heart is so many things and the heart can take so many things. It’s the headquarters of all of the entirety of life. The nucleus of our reality. It stores the multifaceted essence of our existence.

Bend it, bruise it, brush it aside but never break it.

When the heart wants what it wants, it darkens the brightest intellect, grinds logical arguments to powder and defies the simplest lines of reasons. Let’s be truthful, it makes us mad.

Isn’t it madness?

 To put someone’s safety above yours, to loose complete control of your faculties as it wanders and wonders what they’re thinking, where they’re going, if they’re thinking about you and if they love you as much as you love them.

Suddenly, you being to get a whole new sight to view life, to read words, to interprets gestures.

‘Heyyy’ makes your heart jump to your throat in excitement

‘Miss you’ makes your fingers tremble with joy

‘Love you’…no greater words can ever be spoken…

A Prolonged silence becomes worrisome,

‘We need to talk’ makes your skin crawl

One word answers; who are we kidding? A state of emergency!

And when the conversation lulls and the love begins to blur, the heart begins to gasp and grasp at tiny fragments as it disintegrates. It presses against your chest, disorients your thoughts, upsets your mood and you can’t explain it. You can’t tell what’s going on. You tell everyone you’re fine and pray to God that they missed the lump that inserted itself in your throat as you spoke those words.

You’re prayer is answered,, they missed it, but you didn’t. You go from The Hulk to Popoye without Spinach real quick. All your energy is gone, the lump geometrically multiplies and before you know it your eyes begin to burn. You tell your heart to be strong, to stand tall but it won’t. It’s given up, licking its wounds and messing with your moods.

See the heart wasn’t meant to be broken.

Bent, bruised, brushed aside; all of which it takes in stride. It can still look up, dream and be inspired. But when in a twist of fate, the heart snaps. There is no bandage, no short cut, you will feel the burn.

The heart is so many things, does so many things, endures so many things but it never came with shock absorbers for when it’s broken.

Insouciant 

“Both my parents died in a car accident…” the words kidnap my attention as if my name had just been called. Maybe it’s because I too have lost a parent and the pain is paralysing enough, I can’t imagine what losing both would do. But his words do not betray any pain, any fear, any emotion. His voice is flat, numb and indifferent. There’s no doubt in my mind that it’s a front, his heart would be slowly shattering, if it hasn’t already been ripped to shreds.

The narcissist in me wants to find expression, but I trap it within my teeth while it backflips and somersaults in my mind. I don’t want to make this about me, but I’m genuinely concerned. Not just about his flat tone, but more about my numb empathy.

“People die everyday…” I remember looking into my mothers eyes on December 20 2013, and telling her those words. Her husband, my father, had just died and the most genuine words I could utter were “People. Die. Everyday.” I said this looking into her eyes, hear heart too shocked to be disturbed by my coldness and cruelty. I wish I stopped and never said those words again, but I kept saying it, to my mother, my family and my best friends. Over two years now and I’ll still say those words I had to talk about it.

My fingers scroll across my Twitter timeline and I come across a village up north attacked, it’s children kidnapped, the government; in denial along with half the people on my timeline. My emotions are in conflict, but not with each other, with the world. I’m appalled, “how can this happen in a state of emergency?” I ask the air. Hoping like a messenger pigeon it would take my words to the freshly painted corridors of Aso Rock. But I’m greeted with silence.

I’m arguing with the world on Twitter, the world that chooses to live in apathy and denial, how dare they! What kind of human beings were assigned to Nigeria? I’m furious with my church for not praying…enough…I’m from Chibok! We all are! #Bringbackourgirls!

Then CNN comes.

And goes.

Nothing happens.

Then a bomb goes off

And another bomb goes off

And another

And another

“People. Die. Everyday” 

And I’m tired of caring but I will not stand to be judged. No one has the right to tell me when to be numb, when to be emotional, when to pay attention to the obituary that has become the headlines and when not to, went to be Chibok and when to be Charlie!

“People. Die. Everyday”

But am I a hypocrite? That I’m not aggrieved for the death of those close to me, but I’m frustrated because the government cannot keep people I’ve never met safe.

Am I a hypocrite? Because I get tired of fighting the air, waiting for a messenger pigeon that never comes, scrolling over breaking news of deaths and kidnappings of both the nameless people like me and the big men and women.

Am I a hypocrite for ignoring the deaths in Nigeria and sympathising with the deaths in France all the while retweeting,

 “You care more about how deaths abroad than deaths at home.”

My mother looks at me, she’s sitting on the floor, hair scattered, eyes betray the limited availability of sanity in her head, what’s left has been chased out by grief. She tugs at my shorts and says “Aboy, what are we going to do.”

I look her straight in the eyes, I look the person I care about most straight in the eyes, in the worst time of her life and say

“People. Die. Everyday”