My Gay Experiences Part 4

So maybe I was talking in class, in my defense the lecturer wasn’t audible and my ears are to small to be strained. Also, it was one of those general courses that the whole graduating class offers. I was sitting somewhere close to the front (because I’m a selectively serious student) and the lecturer reading the bio data of the lecturer that was actually going to take the course spotted me and was pointing in my direction. Naturally I sat up and pretended I had been listening the whole time.

When he is done reading the bio data, he welcomes the other lecturer gets off the stage and begins to work towards my direction. I have a good idea of what’s going to happen, or at least I thought I did.

When he gets to where I’m sitting he stops and begins to ask me and the person I was talking to (who happens to be a Princess from Anambra state, or at least we call her Princess, I don’t know who’s traditional royalty anymore).

I bend down, pretend to try and get something out of my bag but I’m actually admiring his pretty cool looking but fake Italian shoes (Disclaimer: I have no way of identifying what real Italian shoes look like, I’m bush like that). So he’s essentially taking to the Anambra Princess (it’s important that you don’t confuse her with a Princess of Warri that I know, who is also in no way related to this story), and I’m window shopping on his feet.

My head was probably down for a few seconds but while its down I sense it’s time to lift if up. As I do that, the mans hand comes slowly but surely too my face. In the few split seconds that it takes his hand to get to my face, I mentally eliminate the possibility of a slap but I’m still clueless and decide to engage facial evasive maneuver.

It doesn’t work at all, his hand latches to my face and begins to toggle my beards. Herein is the problem; I HAD NO BEARDS! He was essentially rubbing my chin and the few strands that the clipper had missed when I shaved, all the while smiling like he was looking at his wife 

After this very awkward ordeal, the Princess of Anambra tells me that he said “fine boy”. Herein is the second problem; HE CAME TO SCOLD ME AND IS NOW CALLING ME FINE BOY!

Therefore, I’ve written this so that for all intents and purposes it would be documented that

I’m not gay

I like women

Although I’m single but no longer searching … Well I like women

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MY GAY EXPERIENCES & Other Stories PART 2

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We were going to spend a whole 3 weeks in the village last Christmas, with no internet where depending on your network the best way to answer a call was by going outside or putting your phone and speaker and placing it by the window.  We were having some family time. What I mean to say is that we were being bullied by my cousin’s two year old baby.
One night, one of the cooks (I don’t know what he was but he was almost always in the outdoor kitchen) named Crook (not his real name, I wish it was though) sent my younger cousin to call me. It was around 10pm so I was a little surprised.
“Where your phone dey” he asked rather politely but assertively enough to make me wonder whether he was the one that bought the phone for me and determines where I carry it to. “I want to collect the game we talked about?” he continued. I laughed because I remembered that conversation ended with me telling him I didn’t have any game on my phone. Which I didn’t.
Anyways I handed him my phone so he would satisfy his curiosity. I stood there as he examined the phone and my mouth fell open when he surprisingly said “this one no be correct phone nah”. My inner ninja came alive and my leg was already moving for a bicycle kick before the Holy Spirit came upon me and reminded me his phone was Tecno (no disrespect to Tecno). He went on babbling for about three more minutes or so before the anointing left me and I yanked my phone from his hands and walked inside. All my cousins were looking at me wondering what he wanted with me. In typical fashion I responded “Nothing Jare.”
At some point I must have given him my phone number or he collected it while he was bastardising my phone because when we got back to Lagos, I received a message from a strange number late one night on Whatsapp that started with
“Sweetheart Are You Sleeping?”
My mind raced, through all the logical permutations to find who was responsible for this intro. I didn’t answer the message and after 10 minutes the same number called me. It was Crook!
I wanted to collapse. I felt violated. I cant remember what I said but I know the next few days he kept messaging me or trying to call me, telling me
“I want us to be friends”
“Sweetheart”
“Darling”
I ignored as much as I could and eventually told him to stop calling me. I told him I was going to school and wouldn’t come back till August (even though I was fully aware I would be home by May and resume by August). I told him they don’t allow phones my school and was shocked when he offered I smuggle one or find one to call him with. Crook kept rambling on and eventually I just started saying “hello, hello, hello” and cut the phone.
He called back! The guy was determined to toast me, after 3 more rounds of the “hello” treatment, he stopped calling.
I’m still trying to understand what I’m doing wrong because I’m really really straight!