Tag Archives: africa

Let’s talk about Nigeria for a minute

If you have followed my blog for a while you will know that Nigeria is one of my favorite things to write about, and these days it has been very hard to do that. But I want to overcome the difficulty and talk to you about Nigeria.

What have Nigerian politicians done for some of you that you want to kill all of us because of them? Some of you are ready to kill another person because of Nigerian politicians, people you don’t know and don’t know you? Will it kill you to admit that Jonathan was a terrible president and that Buhari, is equally as terrible?  Will you die if you admit that APC is just as selfish and evil as PDP?

Even if you can’t admit it in public because of your over-inflated ego, surely you can do that in private?  Surely you can lock yourself up in your room and admit that this country is not working. We have been in a recession for so long that recession jokes have all become dry. Surely somewhere in your heart you know that whether you believe in APC or PDP, Nigeria is not working.

These things are fact, these things are crystal clear but instead of us to work together we are bickering over politicians who do nothing for us.

As at the writing of this, there has been 226 days in 2017 and President Buhari has spent at least 152 days in the UK. As far as 2017 is concerned our president is closer to a being a British citizen than he is to being a Nigerian citizen not to talk of Nigerian president. In that time, the economy has remained in the same toilet Buhari left it in, Nnamdi Kanu, first of his name, has gained enough man power to  start an actual army down south, Boko Haram are back like they never left up north and then ASUU unleashes a mass population of idle youths into a very chaotic scene. There is not much room for excitement to be honest and it is very depressing when you think about it.

I am not trying to scare you but I need you to know that, cliche and banter aside, Nigeria is falling apart and very soon something will give. We as Nigerians are standing in a room filled with gas and instead of looking for a way out we are hoping and praying nothing ignites a spark. We will not survive like this much longer, even if we do make it passed Boko Haram, a failing economy and Nnamdi Kanu in one piece, oil is going away and it’s never coming back, our population is exploding and there will be even less opportunities than there are now.

I want you to know that your children and my children will grow up in a Nigeria that is much tougher than it is now unless we stop that from happening and we are running out of time.

If you don’t know what to do to make a big difference, start from the little things. Vote for your conscience, vote for the man or woman with the best plan even if they don’t have a political party with huge cash. Follow the activities of your state governor, your state legislature, the national assembly, ask them questions, do not compromise your integrity and if you have none, get some. Keep your loyalty for your conscience and not any politician or political party. Don’t keep quiet, let your voice be heard, don’t let sincere ignorance stand and don’t suffer fools. Let your presence be felt.

Nigeria may have done nothing for you but she needs you. She needs you more than she knows it. Stay safe, stay smart, stay woke.

 

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Lagos for Dummies: An Ugotalksalot City Guide

Lagos. Home to between 12 and 21 million people -depending on who you ask. The land of opportunities, wealth and traffic from hell.  Lagos is what Nigeria wants to be when it grows up, what almost every other state in the country can only dream about. If you blow in Lagos, you have blown in Africa. But with all of it’s glamour, Lagos can be very overwhelming. So let me help you break it down, so you don’t get confused.

  1. There are many smaller Lagoses

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Lagos is divided into 5 parts:

Lagos Mainland; where most of the regular folks stay,

Lagos Island; for the rich big boys and girls, high life lovers and some longer throats.

Banana Island; for those whose fathers are close friends with Dangote, or people who are just mad.

What I like to call ‘the Ogun state annex’; all those people living in Ogun state but claiming they’re in Lagos

And finally, there is Ikorodu; because that place is so far it should be a state on its own. The beautiful thing about Lagos is that she does not discriminate. Whether you live in Ogun state, inside water or on sinking sand, we are all Lagosians.

  1.  We  are Lagos and we are plenty

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Let me give you some perspective, if you ask the New York Times, there are roughly 21 million people in Lagos. The UN says that Ghana’s population is about 27 million, New York has 8.4 million people, London has a little more with 8.7 million people, Berlin has 3.5 million people or that Paris has a little over 2 million people, you get my point? So, if you think you’re just going to walk inside Lagos with one Ghana-must-go bag or Louis Vuitton suitcase (I don’t discriminate), and come and out hustle the hustlers that have been here since, you are very silly. But not wrong, it’s still possible.

  1. Bring your own water. Lagos has none for you.
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Image from Nairaland

If you are thinking about moving to Lagos, make sure you come with your pumping machine. If you can bring your borehole, that is even better. I’m not kidding, bring your borehole with you. You will just create a small space in your compound, or estate and drop it there.

Why? Because Lagos State, unlike other states, does not supply water to its residents. Well, technically, the Lagos State Water Corporation says it supplies water to maybe 30% of Lagos residents, but, I personally have not seen any house that doesn’t have a GeePee tank pretending to be a DSTV dish.

  1. The most important word is BUS

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You may also know it as danfo or molue or whatever you like. But you know what? Bus na bus.. If you come to lagos thinking you can taxi your way around town, oh my God, you’re not even ready. Also if you think that a big boy like Lagos would have a train system that could get you to most places, you are also not ready. It’s not like Lagos doesn’t have money, I mean this is the biggest boy in all the 37 lands (Abuja included), Lagos just has more important things to do. Things like finishing the $6bn Eko Atlantic and Banana Island.

  1. Where will you base?

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Finally and most important thing you need to know, where will you live? If you’re expecting me to answer that question, you’re not serious at all, you can stay there and keep waiting. I should leave my blog and start finding accommodation for you? Are you okay at all?

With all that being said, welcome to Lagos. Bring your patience, your GeePee tank and your hustle; don’t say I didn’t warn you. Have a nice stay.

All Images unless otherwise stated are from  Rotimi Okungbaye check him out!

What do President Buhari’s media aides actually do?

I have a question that needs answering, what do Buhari’s media aides actually do?

A while ago one of Buhari’s media aides tweeted this,

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Now I get that they are supposed to hype the government and make the president look good, or at least better than he is, but this is a school boy error. The entire system social media system of the presidency is a school boy error. But chill fess, how in the world is opening 40,000 email addresses an achievement? Like that is the kind of thing you don’t talk about. You mean Nigerian government officials didn’t have official emails till Buhari became president? What a wawuu, what an Hembarrassment on Nigeria.

More to the point, take a look at this

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What exactly does it mean when you are the spokesperson TO the president? Is it that you speak to the president on behalf of the people and if that is what it means I don’t remember anyone voting for Garba Shehu, so how on earth did he become the spokesperson TO the president. It also makes sense that Garba Shehu would be the spokesman to the president, when you think about it, it makes perfect sense that Buhari is hardly ever in touch with Nigerians. Mr. Shehu must be telling him something else. Also note how he’s the senior special adviser on media and publicity.

Done that? Now take a look that the picture below, notice anything here?

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I’m guessing he’s the junior special adviser on media and publicity. I know it doesn’t read junior special adviser but think about it, if there is a senior there has to be a what __________? (10 marks).

Although I wonder what happened to him, is it that he hasn’t written junior-government-officials-WAEC or what? Also I wonder, how do these people advise the president? What is a senior matter and what is a junior matter? Or is someone just a glorified assistant or over-titled deputy?

But I’m not done, let me introduce you to,  Bashir Ahmad.b.PNGAt least he’s more humble than our Junior adviser who refused to put junior in his bio. Maybe he should listen to some more Kendrick Lamar.

You would think Mr. Ahmad has been able to distinguish himself from our earlier suspects and in some ways he actually has but the problem here is that Garba Shehu and Femi Adesina keep doing his darn job. Isn’t Bashir Ahmad supposed to be the Official Tweep of The Federal Republic of Nigeria? I think that’s a much cooler title if I do say so myself .

There has to be some type of confusion in Aso Rock if Garba Shehu and Femi Adesina are doing Bashir Ahmad’s job. I wonder if he still gets paid? #FixitJesus.

Last but not the list is my model Official Tweep of The Federal Republic of Nigeria.

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I’m not a Tolu Ogunlesi stan but the difference is kind of clear, I’m guessing his job of is more of this,

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but it also leaves me with a question. If we have an office that is dedicated to running three twitter accounts for the president why do we still need Official Tweeps of The Federal Republic of Nigeria? Why cant we just interact with the presidency through the official accounts instead of paying people to come and be glorified social media ambassadors? After all if the person behind the EFCC’s twitter account has not gathered mind to come do ambassador work, who are these ones? They don’t even tweet funny stuff to start with.

Mr President…Feel Better-ish 

Dear Mr President, 

Please if I have offended you I would like to apologise. It’s not good for us to be keeping malice like this. It’s not good for your health nor is it good for mine although it looks good for my bank account but that’s another story. 
It’s just that I’m worried, I have tried calling but Becky with the Hausa accent keeps answering. 
Then I thought maybe you were busy, that was till I heard you called some people and didn’t call me. Your special assistant on talkativeness and ramblings even said you called me a mischief maker. A whole me? A man of my status quo, a mischief maker? It’s not entirely wrong anyways. 

Uncle Bubu you have my number, call me…please…thank you, let’s know what kind of preparations to make, hopefully good ones. 

That being said, my bank account has informed me, to inform you that it would rather you continue as our away president. It appears the economy responds better in your absence. You have to understand it’s nothing personal, just economic laws of demand and supply, I have demanded for someone else and the lord has supplied. 

I just don’t want there to be animosity between us, nothing more. Have a pleasant recovery.
Signed 

The Federal Republic of Jollof

MY GAY EXPERIENCES & Other Stories PART 2

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We were going to spend a whole 3 weeks in the village last Christmas, with no internet where depending on your network the best way to answer a call was by going outside or putting your phone and speaker and placing it by the window.  We were having some family time. What I mean to say is that we were being bullied by my cousin’s two year old baby.
One night, one of the cooks (I don’t know what he was but he was almost always in the outdoor kitchen) named Crook (not his real name, I wish it was though) sent my younger cousin to call me. It was around 10pm so I was a little surprised.
“Where your phone dey” he asked rather politely but assertively enough to make me wonder whether he was the one that bought the phone for me and determines where I carry it to. “I want to collect the game we talked about?” he continued. I laughed because I remembered that conversation ended with me telling him I didn’t have any game on my phone. Which I didn’t.
Anyways I handed him my phone so he would satisfy his curiosity. I stood there as he examined the phone and my mouth fell open when he surprisingly said “this one no be correct phone nah”. My inner ninja came alive and my leg was already moving for a bicycle kick before the Holy Spirit came upon me and reminded me his phone was Tecno (no disrespect to Tecno). He went on babbling for about three more minutes or so before the anointing left me and I yanked my phone from his hands and walked inside. All my cousins were looking at me wondering what he wanted with me. In typical fashion I responded “Nothing Jare.”
At some point I must have given him my phone number or he collected it while he was bastardising my phone because when we got back to Lagos, I received a message from a strange number late one night on Whatsapp that started with
“Sweetheart Are You Sleeping?”
My mind raced, through all the logical permutations to find who was responsible for this intro. I didn’t answer the message and after 10 minutes the same number called me. It was Crook!
I wanted to collapse. I felt violated. I cant remember what I said but I know the next few days he kept messaging me or trying to call me, telling me
“I want us to be friends”
“Sweetheart”
“Darling”
I ignored as much as I could and eventually told him to stop calling me. I told him I was going to school and wouldn’t come back till August (even though I was fully aware I would be home by May and resume by August). I told him they don’t allow phones my school and was shocked when he offered I smuggle one or find one to call him with. Crook kept rambling on and eventually I just started saying “hello, hello, hello” and cut the phone.
He called back! The guy was determined to toast me, after 3 more rounds of the “hello” treatment, he stopped calling.
I’m still trying to understand what I’m doing wrong because I’m really really straight!

Imagine An Africa

Imagine an Africa quite different from this one
Not in shape, size of form but more like the flip side of a coin
Imagine an Africa that’s not a winner of geographic lottery, 
one not described as rich in natural resources but also in homemade products,
Where we eat the fruits of our labour and not just of our imports
Where we are an aid giver not the regular receiver 
Imagine an Africa where woman are equals 
not ornaments men display at home 
Or tools for sexual satisfaction 
An Africa Where everyone is allowed to go to school 
And become who they choose without fear of perdition for not following the norm
But lest I stray too far
Imagine a simple Africa, 
Imagine an Africa with uninterrupted power supply,
Free health care and high quality education,
Not to mention jobs waiting for those who are ready and able
An Africa, Not beguiled by greed or power or strangled in conflicts and wars 
Imagine an Africa with an African dream
A dream for anyone and everyone born anywhere on this continent 
To be able to achieve any dream on this continent 
Because everything they need is right here, ready an available
A dream so storng that Africans all over the world identify 
That this is the greatest continent in the world.
So just for a minute 
Imagine, a New Africa. 

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In Africa 

In Africa, there are the most uneducated children in the world. But these children have the most daring dreams and ambitions in the world. 
Africa is the most conducive environment for businesses to thrive, but it doesn’t stop us from building some of the most unique and dynamic startups. 
In Africa, many of our political leaders are some of the most inept, corrupt and thoroughly incapable in the world. But we are gradually awakening and demanding a higher standard from them.
In Africa, people kill their families to make a few bucks, but people also take strangers in and shower them with as much love as they would give their own children. 
In Africa, we are regularly confronted with one form of armageddon or the other, in fact some may say we live in unliveable conditions. But we survive and we are still here, we call it the black man blood. 
In Africa there are the most dependent countries in the world. States GDP’s are literally made up of Foriegn Aid. But in Africa, you will meet some of the most independent people in the world, people that have learnt to survive without their governments help. Just ask an an average African man what welfare is. He has no idea!
In Africa there is a paradox of two worlds. The African people are black and proud but sometimes black and sad. Sometimes we wish we were born in other continents. But then we decide we wouldn’t have had it anyother way. 
To us Africa isn’t just a country continet. It’s not a statistic. It’s not a colour and neither is it the dark continent. To some of us, Africa is home. No matter where we are, we always miss it. Sure, we wish it was a lot better, we hope a generation will rise up and restore its lost glory. But we are still African and Proud!

Respect Is Overrated

We are a conservative culture. We like to keep traditions polished and on a shelf, we are culturally homophobic and  always striving to be at optimum spiritual performance while forgetting to take care of ourselves and our brothers. We love respect and we love to be respected but who doesn’t. 

But respect is overrated and convoluted. Repect is now the acknowledgment of a title not the person. It’s an acknowledgement of the persons pocket and abilities. Ask me to tell you what I think about you and you will know how much I respect you. 

Respect is when I wake up in the morning and greet your accolades while forgetting you are standing in front of me. It’s obeying you because you’re older than me or superior and not because I see anything of value in you. 

Be honest almost everyone wants to be respected, to have their egos polished, but sometimes we show respect so We can extract minted notes from your wallet or at the very least have some peace of mind and not hear you ramble on and on about this generations lack of respect. 

Mr. President, it wouldn’t hurt to grow a brain.

First of all, I want to apologize to all my faithful readers because I haven’t posted in a while. In my defense, exams are here and I can’t find my notes (please don’t tell my mummy). Now to the matter at hand…

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When I heard Israeli prime minister, Benjamin Netanyahu speak, I made up my mind that should he contest for election in Nigeria (which is technically impossible) I would vote for him. When I heard American President, Barrack Obama speak, I made up my mind that should he contest for president, I would vote for him. I also made up my mind that should, David Cameron, Paul Kigame or even Vladimir Putin run for election in Nigeria, I would vote. 
           But
I do not intend to vote for Mr. President and it is not because there is any other suitable alternative. I mean Buhari is too old to be running for president. If 60 is the retirement age for civil servants why should the chief civil servant be allowed to have a ‘football’ age of 71. 

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-Benjamin Netanyahu

Oga Jonah is either completely dumb or he is an absolutely confused man surrounded by completely dumb people. How is it possible that you are loosing YOUR OWN territory to a terrorist group, populated by a mixture of citizens and non-citizens, yet you are going to Burkina Faso to fix their government problems? 

Anyways I don’t blame him, all this one he has stayed here what has he done to solve the security dilemma. Instead, he is embarrassing himself by holding a unilateral cease fire with a ‘leader-less’ terrorist organization that seems to function quite well without a head. Now he is on a campaign trail to seek re-election to an office he has thoroughly embarrassed. But at least he wasn’t joking when he said “Boko haram are our brothers…we know them.”

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First of all, I want to apologize to all my faithful readers because I haven’t posted in a while. In my defense, exams are here and I can’t find my notes (please don’t tell my mummy). Now to the matter at hand…

When I heard Israeli prime minister, Benjamin Netanyahu speak, I made up my mind that should he contest for election in Nigeria (which is technically impossible) I would vote for him. When I heard American President, Barrack Obama speak, I made up my mind that should he contest for president, I would vote for him. I also made up my mind that should, David Cameron, Paul Kigame or even Vladimir Putin run for election in Nigeria, I would vote. 
           But
I do not intend to vote for Mr. President and it is not because there is any other suitable alternative. I mean Buhari is too old to be running for president. If 60 is the retirement age for civil servants why should the chief civil servant be allowed to have a ‘football’ age of 71. 

Oga Jonah is either completely dumb or he is an absolutely confused man surrounded by completely dumb people. How is it possible that you are loosing YOUR OWN territory to a terrorist group, populated by a mixture of citizens and non-citizens, yet you are going to Burkina Faso to fix their government problems? 

Anyways I don’t blame him, all this one he has stayed here what has he done to solve the security dilemma. Instead, he is embarrassing himself by holding a unilateral cease fire with a ‘leader-less’ terrorist organization that seems to function quite well without a head. Now he is on a campaign trail to seek re-election to an office he has thoroughly embarrassed. But at least he wasn’t joking when he said “Boko haram are our brothers…we know them.”

I am pained because between 2011and 2012, I was defending this man. I lost my voice shouting in arguments to defend this man. My voice is very precious to me I might add. As I was saying, I supported him during the fuel subsidy removal when everyone wanted to eat him because I believed in him (also because I didn’t want to go to school but that’s not the point). I believed in the transformation agenda, but now all I believe in is his ineptitude. 

Choi! 

Even when photographers didn’t know how to photoshop his face, those early days when he had big nose and under-of-the-pot black face, I said he was fine. I mean, I SAID HE WAS FINE!

I wish I could go and vote for APC, but they are the same vampires from different originals. 

So for now, I choose to refuse to perform my civic duty in 2015, and for now I continue the search for my notes so that I may one day graduate with a good result and maybe just maybe…go away and never comeback. I don’t know yet.

*runs away to go and read Research Methodology for Political Science*

Educating The White People

My Name is Ugochukwu and I a Nigerian. I do not speak “Nigerian” and if you visit any other sites on the Internet besides Twitter, Instagram MediaTakeout and TMZ, you would know there is no such language as “African.”

Like I said, I am a Nigerian, from the Federal Republic of Nigeria not the United States of Africa. You would know that Africa was a gigantic continent if you had half of a brain. 

Moving on, I live in Lagos. Lagos is one of the worlds busiest cities, with gigantic buildings and busy streets bustling with life from as early as 4am till as late as 11pm. The hustle is so much that sometimes it can really be overwhelming. My point here is this, there are no huts in Lagos, neither do we walk the streets with animals. and there are more people here than you may have probably seen in your life. 

And no, not all Africans like animals. I personally can’t stand any animal that’s not a bird. In fact “Africans” and “animals” do not leave under the same roof, you do and I must say it is quite weird. Which makes me wonder, which of us actually “lives with animals.” That’s my opinion anyway. 

But it’s not your fault that you are ignorant of all these facts. You watch too much nollywood movies and you fail to remember that Lion king was a cartoon about the Animal Kingdom not the African CONTINENT. 

I know you may not be trying to be offensive, that’s what you said anyway, but you must understand your impression of Africa is making you come off as very uneducated.

 Are you uneducated? Of course you’re not? I hope you’re not? I don’t know anymore!

By the way, I blame Nollywood for this!