What do President Buhari’s media aides actually do?

I have a question that needs answering, what do Buhari’s media aides actually do?

A while ago one of Buhari’s media aides tweeted this,

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Now I get that they are supposed to hype the government and make the president look good, or at least better than he is, but this is a school boy error. The entire system social media system of the presidency is a school boy error. But chill fess, how in the world is opening 40,000 email addresses an achievement? Like that is the kind of thing you don’t talk about. You mean Nigerian government officials didn’t have official emails till Buhari became president? What a wawuu, what an Hembarrassment on Nigeria.

More to the point, take a look at this

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What exactly does it mean when you are the spokesperson TO the president? Is it that you speak to the president on behalf of the people and if that is what it means I don’t remember anyone voting for Garba Shehu, so how on earth did he become the spokesperson TO the president. It also makes sense that Garba Shehu would be the spokesman to the president, when you think about it, it makes perfect sense that Buhari is hardly ever in touch with Nigerians. Mr. Shehu must be telling him something else. Also note how he’s the senior special adviser on media and publicity.

Done that? Now take a look that the picture below, notice anything here?

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I’m guessing he’s the junior special adviser on media and publicity. I know it doesn’t read junior special adviser but think about it, if there is a senior there has to be a what __________? (10 marks).

Although I wonder what happened to him, is it that he hasn’t written junior-government-officials-WAEC or what? Also I wonder, how do these people advise the president? What is a senior matter and what is a junior matter? Or is someone just a glorified assistant or over-titled deputy?

But I’m not done, let me introduce you to,  Bashir Ahmad.b.PNGAt least he’s more humble than our Junior adviser who refused to put junior in his bio. Maybe he should listen to some more Kendrick Lamar.

You would think Mr. Ahmad has been able to distinguish himself from our earlier suspects and in some ways he actually has but the problem here is that Garba Shehu and Femi Adesina keep doing his darn job. Isn’t Bashir Ahmad supposed to be the Official Tweep of The Federal Republic of Nigeria? I think that’s a much cooler title if I do say so myself .

There has to be some type of confusion in Aso Rock if Garba Shehu and Femi Adesina are doing Bashir Ahmad’s job. I wonder if he still gets paid? #FixitJesus.

Last but not the list is my model Official Tweep of The Federal Republic of Nigeria.

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I’m not a Tolu Ogunlesi stan but the difference is kind of clear, I’m guessing his job of is more of this,

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but it also leaves me with a question. If we have an office that is dedicated to running three twitter accounts for the president why do we still need Official Tweeps of The Federal Republic of Nigeria? Why cant we just interact with the presidency through the official accounts instead of paying people to come and be glorified social media ambassadors? After all if the person behind the EFCC’s twitter account has not gathered mind to come do ambassador work, who are these ones? They don’t even tweet funny stuff to start with.

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NYSC Journal: Listening To Corpers Was The Biggest Mistake of My Life

You know that experiment where you tell someone sitting at the beginning of a column of chairs something and ask them to pass it on till it gets to the last person? Usually by the time it gets to the last person it’s totally different, it happened in camp at least twice a day. In fact, it started before camp and by a week into it, I was convinced that otondos where some of the most stupid people God put on earth.

I think my NYSC experience would have been 50% less stressful if I didn’t listen to what other corpers said. It’s not like I went round asking for advice or trying to find answers to questions that were bugging me but a lot of information passed around camp was either done with a bugle, word of mouth, or a poor public address system that meant you had ask someone else.

My first experience with this was when I was making inquires about the documents I would need in camp. People told me I needed 10 copies per document, some said 15 copies. Eventually I ended up looking like a  teacher that was coming to share exam questions to a hundred students. I still have that file in my house and it’s only missing five copies. To think I held that bulky file for three during registration.

The worst was when I redeployed and had to go to the secretariat to register my behind. There were dozens of corpers at the gate trying to make photocopies when I got there. Let me just add that the photocopy war in NYSC is real. I asked what was going on and I was told I needed to photocopy a form 5 times and fill all. I’d have asked why but seeing as the only reason I was asking a corper in the first place was because an official had instructed me to ask a corper, I didn’t have much of choice. At least 30 corpers, stood behind a red barricade and held out forms. There were two girls who collected and returned the forms in batches, running the few meters between the barricade and the wooden kiosks that housed the two photocopiers. Everyone wanted to be in the next batch so there was a lot of pushing and shoving, never mind this was going on under the very hot Lagos sun while wearing khakis and caps.

I was just about to join the queue after suffering in the free form hustle of the red barricade when someone told me that I had to take passports in my NYSC vest and attach to the forms. Despite having like 35 passports in my wallet, I spent another  two hours trying to get new passport photos because, mine were in plain clothes.

I would then rejoin the queue and spend another two hours on a line that never moved. When I eventually made it to the very crowded front of the line, the official only asked for one form with one passport photograph. I was still trying to pull out a form when my eyes caught other peoples forms. Imagine my surprise, when I discovered that   ANY TYPE OF PASSPORT would have been fine.

I thought of finding the person who told me to make five copies and take new passports was too tired to be angry, the money I’ve spent so far on photocopying alleged NYSC documents is at least one months allowee.

 

Why do we love US & UK accents so much?

This is my second in Why is it series, you can catch up on the earlier post here if you missed anyone.

I have a lot of questions about accent, especially how Nigerians treat people with accents. I’m not talking about a persons understanding and use of English, I am talking of a Yoruba persons ability to pronounce that word as HAH-BILI-TY all the while speaking proper English.

I’ve met a ton of people, including friends and family who have told me that wouldn’t even tolerate a friend if he pronounces ‘bread’ as ‘BREEAD,’ meanwhile they’re pronouncing ‘he’ as ‘E‘.  I always ask why and I usually get responses from “why not” to “I just won’t” and asides the fact that I think this all is a little E-PO-CRITI-CAL, it’s just plain confusing to me.

Look at the media and the entertainment industry, a general perception is accent-up and remain jobless and while I can reluctantly stomach it for broadcasters, presenters and journalists, I don’t understand why an actor, acting as a regular Nigerian, will have an accent fit for the Queen of HINGLAND.

After all the Hollywood movies and series you’ve seen, it surely must have dawned on you that a very Australian Hugh Jackman or Nicole Kidman sound American in American movies or a British Idris Elba, Irish Liam Neeson all sound American when they act as Americans. So why do Nigerians sound like they’re from south side Chicago or Birmingham when acting as Nigerians in Nigerian movies? I’m confused.

Why are we so uncomfortable with the way we sound that the moment someone speaks to us with an extra ‘r’ we instinctively respond with an incomplete, unorganized, castrated and half baked accent to the point that we sometimes sound like idiots.

It’s so bad that in one sentence you will hear a UK, Yoruba and US accent. Jokes asides, there are actually people who went to India and came back sounding like Kim Kardashian.

If accents were so easy to pick why is it that the Nigerians that spend decades in India, Ghana, South African even Ireland  come back with accent in tact, but some blessed person will go on two weeks vacation to New York and come back sounding like Bobrisky. 

Is it because we feel they’re better than us? Do we feel like our Nigerian accents make us sound considerably less educated or less exposed? I’m in a fix and I need you to EPP me HUNDERSTAND this.

Why aren’t there more success stories of Nigerians from poor backgrounds?

This is my first in the why is it series where I want you to help me find answers to mosquito questions, i.e, questions that don’t let me sleep well at night. In case you missed the introductory post, you can find it here. So here we go.

Why is it that the majority of success stories in Nigeria are from people originally of middle class or wealthy backgrounds?

I grew up believing that no matter you were born with, if you worked hard enough you could accomplish anything and it didn’t matter where you went to school, where you lived or who you knew, just put in the work and success would wiggle its way, slowly but surely, to you. I believed that till I found out about polytechnics, networking or should I say connection.

There are millions of Nigerians who go to polytechnics and have a permanent concrete ceiling trolling them harder than the fake news media covering Donald Trump. Their certificates are useless, in the sense that climbing up any cooperate ladder, no matter how hard you work, is next to impossible. If your polytechnic diploma gets you in the interview room of any serious organization, for any well-paying position in Nigeria, that right there is a sign that God called your pastor. The man is praying hard for you and you should seriously consider giving some prophet offering. Either that or your connection, I mean network, is more than Obasanjo’s own.

Speaking of ´connectwork´, let’s not pretend that if you come from poverty in Nigeria, networking is limited to very select places and people, which is my nice way of saying networking is making sure your oga-madam likes you…a lot. Someone might want to say social media and that is true on some level. Social media has made meeting and interacting with new people very easy but the chances are, if you’re living below the poverty line in Nigeria, you either cannot afford internet or a smartphone, or you live in an area where you realized that MTN is not everywhere you go. And if MTN is not there, just forget it. Nigeria runs on connections, everything, post proposal, from winning a contract to securing a bank loan is about having the right phone numbers or email addresses and connected people flow in separate classes. Classes that even Thor’s hammer finds difficult to break.

Then there’s our own form of caste system. Our bad behaviours that say if you and I cannot relate on some brother-sister-aunty-uncle level, you will not enter the kingdom as long as I have the keys, #DJKhaled, and what better way to relate than with money and social class?

Look around you, there aren’t that many rags-to-riches stories. Let Google guide you as you look up your favorite celebrities, politicians, business people, a lot of them didn’t start from ground zero. They may have gotten to that point at some time in their lives and crawled their way back up or as I like to put it many of them have lost money, but still had friends.

Don’t get this wrong, I’m not suggesting that these people had stuff handed to them, they fought and have the battle scars and blood stained clothes to prove but the simple truth is a lot of them and a lot of us started and are starting from a higher pedestal than most Nigerians and while the laws of working hard may apply as black and white to the privileged people, it’s very grey for most Nigerians. Why is that?

 

 

 

The “Why is it” series 

There are a lot of questions that have been bugging me for sometime now and I’m not any closer to finding out the answers. Since I can be quite obsessive, I need to find answers to these questions or at least new way to think about solving these questions.

I have decided to start a new series called Why is it?

In the series I’ll try and explain how my mind has been processing these questions, what I’ve thought about and what I can’t wrap my head around. These aren’t opinions and I promise they aren’t stupid questions either. They’re about faith, religion, politics, culture, social change and boredom. I want to know what you think about them. 

I’m excited about this. 

✌🏾 Peace and blessings 

New Music: Travis Greene You Waited

There are so many things I love so much about good gospel music. I’m not talking about some half baked, half thought, poorly produced ramblings with bible scriptures used for chorus and verses and a choir singing off key. I’m talking about proper music.

I feel like when you get a gospel song right, you’ve made an instant classic. Gospel songs are inspirational, easy to sing to, relaxing and thought provoking and that is exactly what Travis Greene has done with You Waited. Listen here.

On Spotify

 

On YouTube

 

Find it here for iTunes

Movie Trailer: Banana Island Ghost

Waaaait, before you close your browser, I promise you the trailer is good, hell, its funny and even better, it’s Nigerian. #DopeLife. Did I mention Chigurl is in it!

Now, I’m waiting for the movie to come out. However, I have one small but important critique. In the excitement of cutting this trailer it seems to me that the producers forget to arrange this trailer in a way that actually explains what the movie is about. Just see it for yourself.

My Illogical Fear of The Planet of The Apes Movies

I’m an action and sci-fi movie buff. If there are guns fight scenes, knives, crazy stunts and mad explosions I am your guy. But I wasn’t always like that, in fact as a kid I was terrified of Nollywood and action movies. It’s so bad thatfour of my top five greatest traumas as a child were from movies and one of them was the 2001 Planet of The Apes. You can watch the trailer below if you can’t remember the movie.

So there I was as a child watching this movie and getting the life scared out of me. I could not understand how apes were dominating and tormenting humans and although I must confess that at the time I didn’t understand the difference between apes and monkeys, I was still scared senseless. I knew it wasn’t real because I didn’t develop a mortal fear of apes or monkeys but I developed a fear for the entire franchise, I’m afraid of those words put together in the same sentence. As I write this my chest is beating faster because it still scares me.

I know this is ridiculous, after all, I can watch horror movies without flinching, I have also watched some of the most gruesome movie scenes while eating, appetite unaffected, #BossLife, but the moment you put ANY planet of the apes movies in front of me I’m like

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Anyway for those of you that care for the franchise here’s the brand new trailer for War For The Planet of The Apes out in July 2017.

 

Annnnnnnnnd, this is me right now.

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DON’T FORGET TO LIKE, COMMENT AND SHARE.

In case you’re having a bad day

In case you’re having a bad day, here are some videos that are guaranteed to cheer you up!
Here is Patrice Evra sharing some joy.

 

 

 

 

Just follow him already.

If that’s not enough here is CNN’s Anderson Cooper with the best laughter on the entire internet.

I hope it put a few smiles on your faces. Please share with as many people as you can.

This time hustle is not our own

Over the weekend the one Africa music festival was the bunt of a lot of jokes, the concert started over an hour late and was forced to end abruptly after exhausting the time they were given, it was so bad that even Jidenna was billed to perform but couldn’t had this to say about our time consciousness ,

 

If you are a stranger to African or even Nigerian culture you will think time works the same way as it does around the world. It doesn’t. In Nigeria, time is not a law, it is not something you have to stick to or abide by, it is a suggestion, a subtle reminder that if you were in another country you would have been attending an event or on your way to a meeting. Since you are in Nigeria however, it just means you should maybe start getting ready so you don’t get there 2 hours late.

You’re probably wondering why so many Nigerians own clocks and wristwatches, the answer is very simple. They are for decoration. Imagine entering a home and there are no clocks, it’s absurd, ridiculous and very odd. We also have clocks and wristwatches so that family devotions can start on time, although they never end on time.

Does anything in Nigeria even stick to time? Even NTA’s Tv shows start and end late airlines never leave on time, trains and buses do not know there is such a thing as time, even Uber has started using Nigerian time when estimating how soon a driver will reach you. Let’s not lie to ourselves, this time hustle is not our own.

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Introverted Talkatives Talking and Ranting A lot