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New To Lagos? Here Are The Top 10 Hotels in Ikeja that Count

Value for Money: Top 10 Hotel’s in Ikeja that Count

Sheraton ikeja

Ikeja is the capital of Lagos State and a haven for fun spots in the state. Whether you are a business or leisure visitor, in Ikeja, there is no dull moment. From branches of multinational companies to entertainment centres like Fela’s Afrika Shrine and Ikeja City Mall, you are to find things that will captivate your imagination. As a first time visitor or regular traveller, you do not have to worry about finding a suitable accommodation. Ikeja is home to some of Lagos’ finest hotels and we have made a list of such hotels that offer you the best value for your money.

1. Sheraton Lagos Hotel

30 Mobolaji Bank Anthony Way, 21189 Airport Road

There are only a few 5-star hotels in the country and Sheraton Hotel is one of them. A favourite accommodation choice for the elite, expect only world class treatment at this hotel.

The rooms at Sheraton Lagos Hotel are very spacious and modern. Each room features excellent bedding and large TV panels that make you feel like you are at your very own private theatre, making movie watching a delight. Each room has a dedicated electric kettle, coffee machine, and hair dryers. You can make requests for extra towels if you are so inclined.

Enjoy exquisite meals and assorted drinks at any of the hotel’s 4 restaurants and bars including the Goodies Pub, La Giara, Terrace Bar, and the Crock Pot. Each of the restaurants specialises in a type of cuisine from Nigerian to Italian delicacies. There are no worries about running out of cash as there is an ATM on the hotel ground.

You can also book the club room that offers you complimentary access to the Sheraton Club Lounge, a special TV viewing area, newspapers, and periodicals, and drink vouchers. Workshops and international conferences can also be hosted at the hotel. Sheraton is situated close to Murtala Muhammed International Airport making it easily accessible to travellers and quite convenient for those making a quick transit through Lagos.

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2. Blue Spring Hotel

34B Remi Fani Kayode Avenue, GRA Ikeja

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Many guests testify the peaceful ambience of the Blue Spring Hotel is its major selling point. Though it is located in a busy part of town, once you arrive at the hotel premises, the hum of the city quietens. But that is not all, it is just the beginning of a wonderful stay at the hotel.

The hotel boasts large rooms, neat beddings, spotless bathrooms, clean furniture, and a fast internet connection, just ask anyone who has ever stayed there. Here is what one customer had to say about the internet services;

I really enjoyed my stay at the hotel, the internet was very strong and it made very easy to surf the web with one click pages opened on my electronic devices.

Previous guests of this hotel also attest to its 24 hours supply of power. Travellers would appreciate its nearness to the Murtala Muhammed International Airport and the ease of locating the hotel. The staff is also known for their prompt attention to enquiries. Complimentary services include adequate parking arrangements and top notch security. Book a room at Blue Spring Hotel and obtain good value for your money in quality service and good location.

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3. De Renaissance Hotel

172, Obafemi Awolowo Way, Alausa, Ikeja

Whether it is your first time or your nth time at the De Renaissance Hotel, the treatment is the same. It will meet all expectations you come with, regardless of if your room was pre-booked or gotten last minute. Here, the rooms are very neat and easy on the eyes, with simple yet beautiful interior decorations.

The hotel is particularly close to the Murtala Muhammed International Airport, and other locations like Kalakuta Republic Museum, 5 minutes walking distance to the Ikeja Shopping Mall, and a few minutes to other locations like Calabar Kitchen and Domino’s Piza. More reserved guests will also find this hotel particularly impressive for exclusive services like cushioned outdoor sit-out and in-house dining services. De Renaissance Hotel serves its guests with complimentary snacks and fruits. The hotel’s parking spaces are ample and can accommodate many cars at a time. Guests do not have to worry about the safety of their cars.

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4. Hotel Ibis Hotel Ikeja

23 Toyin Street, Ikeja, Lagos

Have all your lodging needs met on your first stay at Hotel Ibis and be sure to return for another wonderful experience. All the rooms come with fully functioning air conditioners, as well as a constant supply of electricity. Many customers particularly enjoyed staying at Hotel Ibis for its location in GRA, the highbrow area of Ikeja and its proximity to many places of interest.

Checking in at the hotel is seamlessly done as you will find that the hotel staff are friendly, hospitable, and polite. On getting to your room, you will find a coffee machine for your personal use. The ensuite bathrooms have showers and hairdryers. You do not have to worry about cash as there is an ATM on the hotel premises.

Are you a nursing mother or someone in need of special care? This hotel is just for you as there are babysitting services in place, as well as facilities for people with disabilities. You can also relax at the crystal blue-coloured swimming pool. The hotel restaurant serves exquisite buffet breakfast with wide choice of cuisine.

Fun places close to the hotel include Kalakuta Museum, Ikeja City Mall and Dominos Pizza, a visit to any of these is always a nice way to end your beautiful stay at the hotel. A shuttle to and from the airport is also available on request.

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5. Westown Hotel

7, Sheraton-Opebi Link Road, Ikeja

Surrounded by leisure and recreational spots, and a 10-minute drive from the Lagos airport, Westown Hotel is a delightful 4-star accommodation. Whether you are a local or an international guest, you will find that Westown Hotel has something for every taste.

Check-in is swift and effortless for both pre-booked and emergency guests. The hotel offers you great service, warm ambience, and beautiful rooms. Some of the rooms, like the Diplomatic Suite, consisting of a large private lounge, a secretary’s office, and a mini bar.

As a guest at the Westown Hotel, you get to enjoy free breakfasts, as well as a 24-hour restaurant that serves African and continental dishes. The hotel’s rooftop restaurant is especially known for its delicious Thai/Chinese cuisine. Take soothing dips at the rooftop swimming pool and relax at the rooftop bar with glasses of any of the available variety of beverages.

Have a swell time by visiting interesting places near Westown Hotel including the Muson Centre, National Museum, Ikeja Golf Course, and Ikeja City Mall.

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6. Shoregate Hotel

29 Joel Ogunnaike, GRA, Ikeja

Shoregate Hotel is one of the best-rated hotels in Ikeja; most of the customers are known to get full value for their money whenever they come. The staff at Shoregate hotel are also very welcoming and willing to go the extra mile in helping guests on arrival. The rooms are fitted with all the necessities to give you comfort including work tables and chairs. A previous guest likened the bedding “…to that of Premier Inn, London”. The bathrooms are pleasant and private toilets never run of toiletries. The hotel also offers an impressive breakfast buffet, with lots of variety to choose from.

Relax and let your skin come in contact with the natural breeze from the large rooftop space specially reserved for relaxation and to allow guests have an amazing view of the city. You can also request for exclusive services at the 24-hour service desk including car hire services to take you around the city. Places you can visit include the Ikeja Golf Club and Sparkle Hall.

7. Best Western Starfire Hotel

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Best Western Starfire Hotel welcomes you with its lush greenery and buoyant horticulture, as well as a warm and hospitable reception from its staff. On the rare occasion that you have a complaint about a particular room, a staff is always available to check you into a better fitting room. Previous customers love the cozy, spacious, and clean rooms, as well as the overall security of the premises. The quiet ambience of the environment allows guests the chance for maximum relaxation and a getaway from all the stress.

The hotel is well situated in the highbrow area of Ikeja and only a few minutes from the Lagos international airport. There are a variety of sights you can visit during your stay at Best Western Starfire Hotel including Ikeja Shopping Mall, National Theatre Lagos, and National Museum.

8. Apartment Royale Hotel

4 Wole Ogunjimi Street Off Agbaoku Street

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The rooms are beautifully decorated and fitted with all the necessary appliances and furniture. The wireless internet is quite fast and surfing the web on your mobile devices gets better. The parking space is ample and enough to house a lot of cars at a time. Previous guests at the hotel love the delicious and yet affordable meals served at the hotel restaurant. One guest sums up his stay at the hotel thus;

“My stay at the Apartment Royale Hotel And Suites was really awesome. I tour around hotels a lot and trust me Apartment Royale Hotel And Suite has the best customer service, they welcomed me warmly and so intelligently. They have nice rooms, nice meals, awesome water and power supply. I’m looking forward to going back there soon.”

Getting around the Ikeja metropolis from the hotel is easy. There are cabs outside the hotel to take you to anywhere you want to go. Popular spots for relaxation and entertainment include The Place, Coldstone Creamery, KFC, and Ikeja Shopping Mall.

9. Swiss Cottage Suites

18 Sunday Adigun Street, Alausa

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Swiss Cottage Suites is strategically located in the centre of the city. It is just a 2-minute drive to the State Government Secretariat and a 2-minutes walk to the Ikeja City Mall, a delight for heavy shoppers. The overall service to guests is impeccable. The rooms feel like an extension of home – spacious and beautiful, each featuring fully functioning air conditioners. Some contain VIP room facilities. Guests have full control of which channels to watch on the Cable TV from a variety of choices.

Places of interest you can visit near Swiss Cottage Suites include Lagos State Digital Village, New Afrikan Shrine, National Art Theatre, and Iga Idungaran-OBA of Lagos Palace.

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10. Glonik Hotels

118/120 Adeniyi Jones Avenue, Ikeja

a hotel room - hotels.ngThis is a luxurious hotel and one of the best-rated hotels in Ikeja. It offers you maximum value for your money. It is also the ideal destination for tourists. This is because Glonik Hotels offers tour packages that include guiding you and other tourists to several places of interest in the city, and occasionally outside Lagos. They allow you make choices by offering you an itinerary of interesting natural attractions.

The hotel also arranges free airport shuffle for international travellers. And even if you are not coming in from outside the country, the hotel is situated in an easy-to-find location. Check-in is also seamless. Entertain yourself with fun visits to the Kalakuta Museum and Ikeja City Mall.

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Lagos Island for Dummies: An UgoTalksAlot Guide to Life Lagos Island Ocean

The Island. The créme de la créme of Lagos. The title in all fairness should go to Banana Island in particular, but let’s be honest and objective with the goals we set in this life.

A lot of people live and swim work on the Island because a lot of businesses are situated there. Some people live there to be close to work or other necessities, others live there because JJC carried them there but like everywhere else, the Island has its pros and cons, so here’s what you need to know to make your life a little bit easier.

1. Bring Your GeePee Tank

Remember how I wrote  in a previous post, that there is is no water in Lagos and you need to bring your borehole? Well, this doesn’t apply to most places on the Island. There is plenty of water in Lekki and what you need is a Geepee tank to store all that water. The only issue is, the water doesn’t come from the tap, it comes from the sky and the ground. You may want to consider buying bowls and buckets for packing water from the floor. Also, it may be a wise financial investment to buy shares in the company that makes Dettol because it will be your best friend.

2. Buy a Boat

Does this man have two heads?

A boat is an investment really. If you can afford one, you should probably get it. With your boat, you can enter the ocean and row over to the mainland while your mates are growing old on third mainland bridge.

When everyone is destroying their cars, you can just roll out your boat and enjoy your life. Who needs to go on a cruise ship, when you can row your way across Lekki-Epe Expressway?

Jokes aside, let us take a moment to pray for our friends & family in Lekki and VGC. As the bible says, we should also enemies in state house that have refused to fix drainages. 

3. Bring your gutter.

So as you can see, gutters do not exist in on the Island. Especially in Lekki. They are a myth. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. If you want to go there, bring your own from the mainland. On second thought, mainland drainages get as dem be too sha. Maybe you can rent some from Ibadan or Osogbo to buy gutter and bring, theirs is not amazing but it’s much better. 

To be fair, even when the government attempts to create gutters, Nigerians in typical Nigerian fashion will turn it into a dustbin. 

4. Invest in insecticides.

Island mosquitoes are mosquitoes that have gone abroad to gym and they have come back. Yes, IJGB mosquitoes are an actual thing.  These mosquitoes have body, they are woke and they can suck all your blood at once. You won’t even see them coming, you will just start feeling your blood disappear from your body.

Because I like you, I will tell you what to do. Just buy one big Raid, one big Baygon and a medium-sized Mortein. When you have bought them all,  just use them all at once. Make sure you finish everything, then mosquitoes will die. Or at least I hope they will.

5. Your Bank Account Should Have Sense Small.

You want to live on the Island and you don’t have money? You think they share houses for free in VGC? Everything here has rent price on top. Even your house rent has another house rent added on top of it. Even if you buy a house or build your own property, the Island will still collect rent from you.

Think of it this way, rent is so comparatively expensive that everyone has to chip in to help. So if you walk into Ebeano Supermarket to buy something; there is the standard price, then there is VAT, then there is Lekki VAT, then there is rent. So at the end of the day, something that costs N1,000 elsewhere will go for N1,500 or N1,700.

There is also the small issue of the toll gate. That small money you will pay every day. At the end of the month, you would have paid someone’s minimum wage salary. With that one alone, you suppose know say Lagos Island no be for small pikin. Well except the pikin is an OBO (Omo Baba Olowo), rich man pikin.

 

If you know this lifestyle is not for your pocket right now, don’t worry we have you covered. You can check out our guide to Lagos and subscribe to get notifications about our upcoming city guides. You know, I care about you and I’m just trying to help your life.

Don’t forget to comment and share. You don’t know who’s life you are saving.

Lagos for Dummies: An Ugotalksalot City Guide

Lagos. Home to between 12 and 21 million people -depending on who you ask. The land of opportunities, wealth and traffic from hell.  Lagos is what Nigeria wants to be when it grows up, what almost every other state in the country can only dream about. If you blow in Lagos, you have blown in Africa. But with all of it’s glamour, Lagos can be very overwhelming. So let me help you break it down, so you don’t get confused.

  1. There are many smaller Lagoses

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Lagos is divided into 5 parts:

Lagos Mainland; where most of the regular folks stay,

Lagos Island; for the rich big boys and girls, high life lovers and some longer throats.

Banana Island; for those whose fathers are close friends with Dangote, or people who are just mad.

What I like to call ‘the Ogun state annex’; all those people living in Ogun state but claiming they’re in Lagos

And finally, there is Ikorodu; because that place is so far it should be a state on its own. The beautiful thing about Lagos is that she does not discriminate. Whether you live in Ogun state, inside water or on sinking sand, we are all Lagosians.

  1.  We  are Lagos and we are plenty

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Let me give you some perspective, if you ask the New York Times, there are roughly 21 million people in Lagos. The UN says that Ghana’s population is about 27 million, New York has 8.4 million people, London has a little more with 8.7 million people, Berlin has 3.5 million people or that Paris has a little over 2 million people, you get my point? So, if you think you’re just going to walk inside Lagos with one Ghana-must-go bag or Louis Vuitton suitcase (I don’t discriminate), and come and out hustle the hustlers that have been here since, you are very silly. But not wrong, it’s still possible.

  1. Bring your own water. Lagos has none for you.
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Image from Nairaland

If you are thinking about moving to Lagos, make sure you come with your pumping machine. If you can bring your borehole, that is even better. I’m not kidding, bring your borehole with you. You will just create a small space in your compound, or estate and drop it there.

Why? Because Lagos State, unlike other states, does not supply water to its residents. Well, technically, the Lagos State Water Corporation says it supplies water to maybe 30% of Lagos residents, but, I personally have not seen any house that doesn’t have a GeePee tank pretending to be a DSTV dish.

  1. The most important word is BUS

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You may also know it as danfo or molue or whatever you like. But you know what? Bus na bus.. If you come to lagos thinking you can taxi your way around town, oh my God, you’re not even ready. Also if you think that a big boy like Lagos would have a train system that could get you to most places, you are also not ready. It’s not like Lagos doesn’t have money, I mean this is the biggest boy in all the 37 lands (Abuja included), Lagos just has more important things to do. Things like finishing the $6bn Eko Atlantic and Banana Island.

  1. Where will you base?

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Finally and most important thing you need to know, where will you live? If you’re expecting me to answer that question, you’re not serious at all, you can stay there and keep waiting. I should leave my blog and start finding accommodation for you? Are you okay at all?

With all that being said, welcome to Lagos. Bring your patience, your GeePee tank and your hustle; don’t say I didn’t warn you. Have a nice stay.

All Images unless otherwise stated are from  Rotimi Okungbaye check him out!

Stay; A short film

Watch the teaser for Stay, a short film by Ayomide Adeleke. A terrible incident leaves Femi, played by Baaj Adebule haunted and he will do anything to get his life back. The film also stars Diana Eguwatu and Shalewa Ashafa. Stay was written by Ayomide Adeleke and it is also his directorial debut.

Adulting is hard: 5 things no one ever tells you about adulting

Good day Ladies and Gentlemen,
How has life been? Good? Well me too sha, I’m fine.. But not entirely. I’ve only been adulting for like two minutes now and I’m already tired. I miss those primary school days when we used to buy fan lolli for N20 and the mallam would cut it into 2 with scissors.

You spend all your life literally looking up at adults and saying, me too, ama be like that one day. Talking bout whe I  grow up, this, when I grow up, that. Little did you know that you were swearing for yourself. If you could take it back now, wouldn’t you rather be in primary 1 reciting your two times table?

You know adults are actually wicked. They teach you to walk and talk. They tell you to read your books, pass your exams and become successful. They buy you nice things when you get 1st position in class or take you out for ice cream when you make them proud. But never do they ever warn you about the danger ahead.

*CHILDREN BEWARE: ADULTING IS HARD*

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But no, for real, I can’t think of anything as evil as the conspiracy to trick all humanity into embracing adulthood. I mean, whose idea was it? I’m only asking for a friend. There are so many things I wish I had known on time. Maybe I would have stopped growing. But now it’s too late.
Here’s a terrifying list of things about adulting that no one ever told you. In descending order of “horrificness”.

5. All your first position and first class, is pure water.

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The only other thing Nigeria parents always say, apart from “you cannot greet abi? “, is make sure you get first position or make sure you carry first class. Or the savage version “the people that have a 5.0 gpa, do they have two heads?”

So if you are like me, and you were hitting above average scores throughout your academic career, you graduated hoping that you would just manage small, and get a good job with your slightly-above-mediocre grades. But alas, no one if it matters.

At my current work place sef, they never asked me for my CV, talkless of my GPA. I’m just imagining, if I had joined those two headed people, and carried the scores of everyone in the class, by now I would be upset with life. Even if my colleagues are first class graduates, and we are earning the same peanuts together.

So I mean, if you haven’t graduated yet and you’re killing yourself over best graduating student, my advice is to relax your navz. You go dey alright.

This is Nigeria, we will all look for the jobs together, only for the politicians’ children to take it from us. Besiiiides, you are 99% not likely to use that your rubbish certificate anyways. You will wake up one morning and someone will say they are looking for ushers, social media managers or something any basic human being can quickly learn. Then, before you know it, that is your career. So no need to grow two heads.

4. The weekend is a what? A scam

So you go to work 5 days a week. For some of us, 6 days. The weekdays are so designed to having you anticipating a non-existent break.

You know what I mean. This is the way a typical week goes;
Mooooooooooooondaaaay
Tueeeeeeeeeeesdaaay
Wednesdaaaay
Thursday
Friyay!
Sat*blink*Sun
Mooooooooooooondaaaay

You will sit at that your office desk, dreaming of your turn up and weekend enjoyment, only to end up looking for sleep half the time. Me, I spend most of the weekend catching up on chores. And cooking!

As you lay your head to siesta on Sunday afternoon, just forget it, the next reality you will wake up to is you getting dressed for work and entering back into the madness.

3. Uncles and Aunties stop giving you money to buy fanta

images-4The greatest joy of my childhood was those times someone would come to visit my family in our house. Those visits were tedious. They would send you up and down; go and buy drinks for your visitors, fry prawn crackers, serve the food, present yourself as a responsible child, give them your sweat and blood. It was a lot of stress, but it always paid in the end.

Somewhere between when the guests get up from their seats and when they leave your house, they would reach into their pockets and bring out “money for sweet or Fanta” and discreetly place it in your hands.

I used to have this uncle that always gave me 2,000 naira in 20 naira notes. Those days when 20 naira was paper not polymer. Looking like Benjamins. I’d sit seriously and be counting my fortune in excitement.

But now, this same uncle… What does he do everytime he’s leaving after a visit? He smiles at me and says “..ah Princess, when will you be inviting us to eat party rice? That your bride price, me and your daddy will share it oh!”
Please sir, how does that one affect my account balance?

2.There is no holiday

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You go to school and study and write exams and go on holiday abi? So when you are suffering at least you know there’s enjoyment around the corner. But then imagine that you had to write exams everyday, for the rest of your life, without a course outline, or anyone teaching, without a break to look forward to.

That my friends, is adulthood.

There’s no summer break, no Christmas break, no mid term. It never goes off. “The school of life” is constantly in session. 366 days 24/7, till the day you die, you will continue to adult.
If you like, go on leave, or take whatever break, fall into a coma. When you open your eyes, adulting will be waiting for you.
It only gets worse as the time goes on.

1.You have to spend your own money

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I think the greatest shock for me was having to buy my birthday things with my own money. Like… no break? Even on my birthday?
For real, adulting has taught me to dream within my budget. Can’t be thinking about frivolous things like Chinese food, new clothes and random uncalled for dashing of money to professional beggars in the street. Even single 10 naira comes from your account.

Those days we used to scam our parents and collect money for “handouts”, “excursions” and “convocation dues”, loooong gone. If you ask my father for money now, he will remind you of the cost of your 16 years of education plus inflation. Before you get that money, you will sign an undertaking that states that you are a child and will hereby be treated as such. (Daddy, if you read this I’m exaggerating oh. Biko).

You know you are an adult when 10 naira debit alert in the name of “card maintenance” annoys the hell out of you. Like do these banks think we pluck money from trees?

Me that has been saving money for a new phone for so long. But every month, one thing or the other would come up and my akant would just be giving me side eye. It’s the same me that access bank is collecting 200 naira from every month. Isn’t that wickedness?

Worse still, you are no longer entitled to student discount at the cinema. That 500 naira you would have used to buy popcorn. They will make sure they collect it from you. If you are like me, you’ll sneak in 80 naira bottled water from Shoprite into the theatre. Drink that one and dey alright.

If you’re reading this and you haven’t started adulting yet, please take it from me, stay in school kid.

The time I was mistaken for a kidnapper

I left the office a few minutes later than I usually do, there had been a few mistakes in some of the contents I created and I had to fix them before leaving. 

As I stepped out of my office compound, I tried to hail down a keke that would take me to a junction from where I could easily walk home. A keke without passengers breezed by me, too fast for me to signal the driver, a second followed immediately after but I hailed down a third. 

I hurriedly entered and brushed my knee in the process, it sent a sharp but quick pain through my body. I thought to myself that if I were ever  in a keke accident, I would probably lose both my legs. Good thing God watches over me. The keke began moving and I plugged earphones in. 

The keke driver took a longer route, hoping he would find more passengers going to my stop, his gambled payed off when two men a few feet from each other both hailed us down. Despite the fact we were two at the back and not the usual three, one of the men opted to take the very uncomfortable front seat, which is essentially part of the drivers seat. 

The driver started moving again and in a few minutes a woman, on the other side of the road, hailed us down again. She was in a very dark green skirt suit, handbag in one hand and a polythene bag in the other. The driver yelled the direction he was going as he slowed down and the woman nodded in the affirmative.  

Initially, I was seating in the middle of the keke but I had scooted towards the right when we picked up the two men and since I was the one facing the other side of the road the natural thing for me to do was to scoot to the middle so the woman could enter. I decided to wait till she approached but instead of coming towards my side, she walked behind the keke and to the left. 

The guy sitting at the left was buff, his muscles weren’t huge, but he was tall and ripped enough to be intimidating even without his beard. So when he stepped out from the keke and motioned for the woman to go sit in the middle, she was taken aback. I could read the worry and cautiousness on her face, it was unmistakable. She took a step back and the man realising the impression he’d made offered to sit in the middle but it was too late. She walked towards the right side of the keke and then back across the road and signaled the driver to go. 

He yelled at her to come back, which wouldn’t have helped much anyway and when she ignored him he took off. 
I spent the rest of the keke ride trying to understand what was going on in this woman’s head? To be honest, I was wondering whether she thought I was a kidnapper, why didn’t she just come to my side of the keke to start with. Did I look that scary I wonder. 

It’s easy now to think about how suspicious four men in a keke motioning a woman to sit in the middle is. I’m probably sure she would be sharing the testimony of how God rescued her sometime soon. 

Addicted To The Glam

I am confused and this is why.

Over the weekend TapJets, a US private jet charter service, released a statement accusing Dammy Krane of using a stolen credit card to hire one of their jets. They also promised to prosecute him to the full extent of the law.

 

If Dammy Krane is convicted, I’m sure one of the questions he would be asking himself is why he didn’t fly first class. In his mind is he thinking first class is no longer a big boy stuff? This whole situation got me asking myself some questions. Why are people addicted to some lifestyle we can’t really afford? Who are we really trying to impress and why?

Celebrities living above their means is not news and for the life of me I can’t understand why? Flashing money has never gotten anyone a hit song or a blockbuster movie. The best it does is to keep you in the headlines long enough for you to eventually get arrested or steal a picture of someone’s dogs. It’s not like we have paparazzi chasing down celebs like there’s no tomorrow. No Nigerian entertainment journalist or photographer is paid well enough to bother. Like have you seen our entertainment journalists? They have more important things to do abeg.

And that’s the funny thing to me, nobody cares if celebs drive a sedan or a land cruiser, no one gives a damn if they live in Lekki or Surulere. No one. The only people that care are those that want money from them and armed robbers picking targets. If you are reading this and you care but claim you are neither a beggar nor an armed robber, clearly you need to think about your life, just go and look at yourself in a mirror because all is not well.

This is not just a celebrity problem, it affects regular people as well. I have nothing against wanting to send your kids to the best schools, but there is an issue when you want to send your kids to a school that you know, you and your spouse and your extended family combined cannot afford. It’s a dangerous thing to live above your means. What if there is a sudden need for cash? A health emergency or a surprise bill?

And those of you guys that are dating someone and you can’t tell them when you’re cash strapped so, you take your babe to mad restaurants and eat garri like crazy. I’m here for you. Mscheeew. What’s worse is that you borrowed that garri ahead of time because you already knew stupidity was following you. Then you will now post the picture of the restaurant on Instagram but forget to add the garri. Can we all please respect ourselves, this adulting thing is hard enough without you your no-garri-eating Instagram photos putting pressure on us to be great. Some of us will actually like to get through this come-up phase with all our marbles intact.

What do President Buhari’s media aides actually do?

I have a question that needs answering, what do Buhari’s media aides actually do?

A while ago one of Buhari’s media aides tweeted this,

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Now I get that they are supposed to hype the government and make the president look good, or at least better than he is, but this is a school boy error. The entire system social media system of the presidency is a school boy error. But chill fess, how in the world is opening 40,000 email addresses an achievement? Like that is the kind of thing you don’t talk about. You mean Nigerian government officials didn’t have official emails till Buhari became president? What a wawuu, what an Hembarrassment on Nigeria.

More to the point, take a look at this

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What exactly does it mean when you are the spokesperson TO the president? Is it that you speak to the president on behalf of the people and if that is what it means I don’t remember anyone voting for Garba Shehu, so how on earth did he become the spokesperson TO the president. It also makes sense that Garba Shehu would be the spokesman to the president, when you think about it, it makes perfect sense that Buhari is hardly ever in touch with Nigerians. Mr. Shehu must be telling him something else. Also note how he’s the senior special adviser on media and publicity.

Done that? Now take a look that the picture below, notice anything here?

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I’m guessing he’s the junior special adviser on media and publicity. I know it doesn’t read junior special adviser but think about it, if there is a senior there has to be a what __________? (10 marks).

Although I wonder what happened to him, is it that he hasn’t written junior-government-officials-WAEC or what? Also I wonder, how do these people advise the president? What is a senior matter and what is a junior matter? Or is someone just a glorified assistant or over-titled deputy?

But I’m not done, let me introduce you to,  Bashir Ahmad.b.PNGAt least he’s more humble than our Junior adviser who refused to put junior in his bio. Maybe he should listen to some more Kendrick Lamar.

You would think Mr. Ahmad has been able to distinguish himself from our earlier suspects and in some ways he actually has but the problem here is that Garba Shehu and Femi Adesina keep doing his darn job. Isn’t Bashir Ahmad supposed to be the Official Tweep of The Federal Republic of Nigeria? I think that’s a much cooler title if I do say so myself .

There has to be some type of confusion in Aso Rock if Garba Shehu and Femi Adesina are doing Bashir Ahmad’s job. I wonder if he still gets paid? #FixitJesus.

Last but not the list is my model Official Tweep of The Federal Republic of Nigeria.

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I’m not a Tolu Ogunlesi stan but the difference is kind of clear, I’m guessing his job of is more of this,

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but it also leaves me with a question. If we have an office that is dedicated to running three twitter accounts for the president why do we still need Official Tweeps of The Federal Republic of Nigeria? Why cant we just interact with the presidency through the official accounts instead of paying people to come and be glorified social media ambassadors? After all if the person behind the EFCC’s twitter account has not gathered mind to come do ambassador work, who are these ones? They don’t even tweet funny stuff to start with.

NYSC Journal: Listening To Corpers Was The Biggest Mistake of My Life

You know that experiment where you tell someone sitting at the beginning of a column of chairs something and ask them to pass it on till it gets to the last person? Usually by the time it gets to the last person it’s totally different, it happened in camp at least twice a day. In fact, it started before camp and by a week into it, I was convinced that otondos where some of the most stupid people God put on earth.

I think my NYSC experience would have been 50% less stressful if I didn’t listen to what other corpers said. It’s not like I went round asking for advice or trying to find answers to questions that were bugging me but a lot of information passed around camp was either done with a bugle, word of mouth, or a poor public address system that meant you had ask someone else.

My first experience with this was when I was making inquires about the documents I would need in camp. People told me I needed 10 copies per document, some said 15 copies. Eventually I ended up looking like a  teacher that was coming to share exam questions to a hundred students. I still have that file in my house and it’s only missing five copies. To think I held that bulky file for three during registration.

The worst was when I redeployed and had to go to the secretariat to register my behind. There were dozens of corpers at the gate trying to make photocopies when I got there. Let me just add that the photocopy war in NYSC is real. I asked what was going on and I was told I needed to photocopy a form 5 times and fill all. I’d have asked why but seeing as the only reason I was asking a corper in the first place was because an official had instructed me to ask a corper, I didn’t have much of choice. At least 30 corpers, stood behind a red barricade and held out forms. There were two girls who collected and returned the forms in batches, running the few meters between the barricade and the wooden kiosks that housed the two photocopiers. Everyone wanted to be in the next batch so there was a lot of pushing and shoving, never mind this was going on under the very hot Lagos sun while wearing khakis and caps.

I was just about to join the queue after suffering in the free form hustle of the red barricade when someone told me that I had to take passports in my NYSC vest and attach to the forms. Despite having like 35 passports in my wallet, I spent another  two hours trying to get new passport photos because, mine were in plain clothes.

I would then rejoin the queue and spend another two hours on a line that never moved. When I eventually made it to the very crowded front of the line, the official only asked for one form with one passport photograph. I was still trying to pull out a form when my eyes caught other peoples forms. Imagine my surprise, when I discovered that   ANY TYPE OF PASSPORT would have been fine.

I thought of finding the person who told me to make five copies and take new passports was too tired to be angry, the money I’ve spent so far on photocopying alleged NYSC documents is at least one months allowee.

 

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Introverted Talkatives Talking and Ranting A lot