MY GAY EXPERIENCES & Other Stories (Part 1)


Let me first clear the atmosphere. I UgoTalksAlot and all my other personalities are not homosexual, bi-sexual or any other sexual apart from the traditional man and woman sexual (whatever that’s called nowadays).
Secondly, I am writing a novel for some of the weirdest reasons and so I may not be able to blog as I frequently do. Please have mercy and don’t forget me, I know the internet is a very big space, if you are interested in seeing the ever changing manuscript (because I honestly don’t know if I will publish it) just send me a mail at Now into the first of my three part story.
I was a fine baby, if I grew up into a fine young man, it remains to be seen. Some of my friends have told me at one point or another that I have a fairly decent female fan club. Honestly, I don’t believe it because I’ve been single for too long. A lady did send me a message that she wanted to make babies with me but then she disappeared and I later found out she wasn’t single. But every now and then I get approached by men and it is very disturbing.
The first time it happened was when I was in my first year at University, not long after I resumed, a guy at one of the book shops where I was photocopying all those endless registration papers started looking at me funny. He was the guy doing the photocopying.
When it got to my turn, the guy took his time to go through as much of my personal information as he could, from all my nomenclatures to my state of origin and my academic records. After photocopying, the guy said I was from his place and that if I needed anything, I should just let him know. I thought he was interested in getting close to me to begin friendly extortion of my limited allowee and so I began avoided him.
But everyone knows how impossible it is to be fresher doing registration and avoid the photocopy machine. One day he asked that I come see him at the end of the day anytime, which I made a mental note not to.
Unfortunately for me, one day, I had an emergency and I needed a photocopy real quick, it was around 5pm and this man was my only hope. I went there and I was the only one. As soon as I entered, the man locked the door. My heart was racing and I was looking around for what to hit him with if it came to that. I saw a broken part of a chair, and I moved close to it.
The man began to talk to me about how he liked my fingernails, the colour of my tie, how handsome I was, the colour of my tie and all other things. Remaining small the man would have said “I like your shape”.
At one point the man grabbed my hand and was examining it in a very sensual manner. I was vigorously wriggling my hand out of his hand and the man didn’t even seem to notice. I was in full panic mode at this point. How was I going to explain that my first sexual encounter had been at the forceful hands of a 40smth year old man? I wasn’t going to.
I had two options to tell him that I REALLY needed to go or pound his head with a stick. Fortunately he let me go on the condition that I would return. I put up the best fake smile in my arsenal and nearly ran out.
When I would eventually share the story with some of my friends, I found out that he had tried similar stunts with two of them.
I made sure never to return there. I was avoiding him like the plague and rightly so but it was nearly impossible to pull of every time. Eventually whenever we did meet he stopped looking at me funny and I can’t help but wonder who the next victim is?



I love loyal people, there’s nothing I would trade for one loyal friend, someone that will jump off a cliff with me if its worth it. 

I love people that stand by you through thick and thin, people courageous enough to call out my stupidities and idiosyncrasies and strong enough to support me without allowing their knees to tremble under the weight of jealousy. I don’t do short term commitments, you’re either in it for the long haul or you’re not in it at all. 

But of course, life is cruel and it rotates the human resources so that people come and people go. But till life transfers you or me to someone else, I intend to be loyal and I would love if you do the same.

Dear Akpo: When You Are In Love…

There are few people you will come across in your life that steal something deep within you. It’s like they steal your brain. You catch yourself repeatedly doing thinks that are unlike you. You begin to go places you normally wouldn’t and do things you normally wouldn’t. Your aren’t doing this to feel among, maybe to impress but definitely not to obtain a sense of belonging. 
All you want to do is catch a glimpse of the person that stole from you. You just want to say ‘hi’ and string up a conversation. You want to make her laugh and you love seeing her smile. You want to gaze into her eyes whether they are black, blue or just plain grey. You want her, to trust you, confide in you and tell you her story, but first you want her to notice you. 
Your desires force you to hang around hoping she passes by. She’s the only thing your mind can or even wants to grasp. It’s like a disease that has rendered your mind to be subject to every whim of your emotions. You try to fight it but you can’t; it will take an atrocious event and weeks of mourning to restore your mind to a semblance of what it used to be. 
It isn’t a crush of a time bomb that you can just ride out from a safe distance. It’s so real, it changes your mood when you see her, you force yourself to remain composed when she walks by because in your head, your emotions rage like an inferno. You enter bouts of mini-depression when she’s away but you take comfort in her images you unknowingly stored I. Your head. You replay them like your favorite movie, watching it like its the first time. 
But there is a fear in your heart that you are not noticed, or even worse you are just her friend. That word friend, it daggers your heart, it is your greatest fear. And so you wait in your chair, counting her steps for her as she walks in your direction. You hope the smile on her face is yours to receive. You begin to smile back as you continue counting her steps. But she shows no sign of slowing down. She walks past you into the arms of someone else, and in that moment your whole world crashes. 
But then, in a miracle of mercy, she turns around and smiles at you, pulls the sit beside close you, looks into your eyes and tells you “hi.”
P.S: The Header is my first successful attempt at graphic designing.
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Written By A Friend

Dear Dianne,
Remember how I told you I’d never let you go easily? I meant it.
Don’t think I stopped spying on you because I am no longer close, I stepped up big time. The last time we talked about relationships, you said “it’s hard to find someone” but I want to ask you now, “is it hard to be found too”? You see, you keep bluffing about wanting to never get married but we both know the truth; that you are only scared of commitment, and I used to think only men had that problem. Whew!

In related news, I found someone for you, and that person is me. We are a perfect match. I know you have loved and lost and are now scared defeat so you refused to try again and now its “I am not ready for a relationship”. You are not in the least bit career inclined so don’t tell me you love your job over me.

There’s no Prince Charming anywhere, Cinderella took him.
By the way, I always knew you only pretending to hate Valentine’s Day, always looking for ways to be busy on that day so that your loneliness will not be too evident. In 2012, you had an “office emergency” that required the entire week, in 2013, your cat died (you still haven’t told me how it ate rat poison and left the mice to live), let’s not forget that in 2014, you didn’t answer my call or reply my messages because you were “away” from the phone (all day?).
What is wrong with you? Heaven knows I’ve tried. Look around you, there’s no one else waiting for a yes from you. Grow up and be the woman I see in you and don’t tell me to move on because I cannot. I will ask this question again for the 4th time, Will you be my val?

What Guys Don’t Tell The Ladies

They don’t tell you girlfriends and wives aren’t the same type of girls. That the binoculars they use to survey girlfriends isn’t the same for wives. While one covers the areas of the maximus gluteus and mammary gland the other looks at personality and habits. They don’t tell you that they want their wives to remind them of church
on Sunday morning
after praying for them but would sometimes rather have their girlfriends say nothing about the man upstairs. 

They don’t tell you that every once in a while they would appreciate a little less makeup and a lot more of you. That the phony accent isn’t always appreciated. They don’t tell you that sometimes they need you to talk less and understand the exigencies of silence. That whenever they do open their hearts to tell you their problems, silence is better than a half baked response. 

They won’t tell you that sometimes they can’t live with you but would rather die than live without you. That they would betray other niggas for you if push came to shove. They won’t tell you that although they haven’t called for the past few days they’ve had multiple conversations in their heads with you. 

But know that when he looks you square in the eye and tells you that he loves you, at that moment, in that place you are the most important thing in the world to him and everything he does, he does with your reflection in the mirror of his mind. 

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Some People Are Just Not Worth It

They aren’t worth the stress
They are fickle minds with utterly no sense 

They aren’t worth your time 
Don’t even from your pockets offer them a dime 

They aren’t worth the attention 
All they want to be is crude competition 

They aren’t worth the tears 
You’ve shed over them for so many years 

But seek those who will love 
The sole of your feet to up above 
And every other thing without remorse 

Find those who will run 
Over the hills mountains and if need be to the sun

Search for those who will reciprocate your feelings 
Without any giving you any billings 

Hold them, never let go
Because not everyone deserves you