Written By A Friend

Dear Dianne,
Remember how I told you I’d never let you go easily? I meant it.
Don’t think I stopped spying on you because I am no longer close, I stepped up big time. The last time we talked about relationships, you said “it’s hard to find someone” but I want to ask you now, “is it hard to be found too”? You see, you keep bluffing about wanting to never get married but we both know the truth; that you are only scared of commitment, and I used to think only men had that problem. Whew!

In related news, I found someone for you, and that person is me. We are a perfect match. I know you have loved and lost and are now scared defeat so you refused to try again and now its “I am not ready for a relationship”. You are not in the least bit career inclined so don’t tell me you love your job over me.

There’s no Prince Charming anywhere, Cinderella took him.
By the way, I always knew you only pretending to hate Valentine’s Day, always looking for ways to be busy on that day so that your loneliness will not be too evident. In 2012, you had an “office emergency” that required the entire week, in 2013, your cat died (you still haven’t told me how it ate rat poison and left the mice to live), let’s not forget that in 2014, you didn’t answer my call or reply my messages because you were “away” from the phone (all day?).
What is wrong with you? Heaven knows I’ve tried. Look around you, there’s no one else waiting for a yes from you. Grow up and be the woman I see in you and don’t tell me to move on because I cannot. I will ask this question again for the 4th time, Will you be my val?


What Guys Don’t Tell The Ladies

They don’t tell you girlfriends and wives aren’t the same type of girls. That the binoculars they use to survey girlfriends isn’t the same for wives. While one covers the areas of the maximus gluteus and mammary gland the other looks at personality and habits. They don’t tell you that they want their wives to remind them of church
on Sunday morning
after praying for them but would sometimes rather have their girlfriends say nothing about the man upstairs. 

They don’t tell you that every once in a while they would appreciate a little less makeup and a lot more of you. That the phony accent isn’t always appreciated. They don’t tell you that sometimes they need you to talk less and understand the exigencies of silence. That whenever they do open their hearts to tell you their problems, silence is better than a half baked response. 

They won’t tell you that sometimes they can’t live with you but would rather die than live without you. That they would betray other niggas for you if push came to shove. They won’t tell you that although they haven’t called for the past few days they’ve had multiple conversations in their heads with you. 

But know that when he looks you square in the eye and tells you that he loves you, at that moment, in that place you are the most important thing in the world to him and everything he does, he does with your reflection in the mirror of his mind. 

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Some People Are Just Not Worth It

They aren’t worth the stress
They are fickle minds with utterly no sense 

They aren’t worth your time 
Don’t even from your pockets offer them a dime 

They aren’t worth the attention 
All they want to be is crude competition 

They aren’t worth the tears 
You’ve shed over them for so many years 

But seek those who will love 
The sole of your feet to up above 
And every other thing without remorse 

Find those who will run 
Over the hills mountains and if need be to the sun

Search for those who will reciprocate your feelings 
Without any giving you any billings 

Hold them, never let go
Because not everyone deserves you

Dear Ladies, The Gentlemen Are Hungry

Dear Beautiful ladies, young women, girls or babes, I acknowledge you with whatever name you are comfortable with. I come in peace, and hope you will receive my message also in peace. 

As you know, exams are here and certain factors that make for academic success such as studying, good sleep and good food must be taken with utmost reverence. In order not to beat around the proverbial bush, I must tell you that it has come to my attention that the “boys are hungry”

Yes oh! They are hungry. I mean the “non-single” ones. They appear to have spent their money on you, I mean your sharwama, burritos and hair. They are here looking for garri and praying that electricity will not be interrupted as they cook their indomie. But still they come out at night (in between their papers) to keep you company, even though they would rather be sleeping or playing FIFA. 

It is not all of you in relationships that have contributed in the impoverishment my the Gentlemen, but it is a few of you especially the “can-you-buy-me”, “I-want”, “let’s-go-to-caf” type of ladies. It is theses ladies that have made the boys to be sleeping with rumbling stomach and buying punch drinks every night so that they will not collapse. 

To my independent ladies, I salute you and ask you to continue in stride, to all the beggina’s I plead with you, without any form of mockery to please change your ways before your bride price is no longer up to your hair extensions.

P.S. If you are reading this thing and your name is beggina and you happen to be a lady, I am not talking to you and this is a pure coincidence. Or maybe I am, who knows?

Dear God

I haven’t been the best of Children in recent times, If fact I haven’t even been average. I’ve been bad. Very very bad. But somehow you still answer my prayers and give me answers to requests I haven’t even prayed about. 

I do know how much you love me, at least to a certain degree. But sometimes I feel like you shouldn’t love me the way you do especially since I don’t even love myself that much. Everyday I am confronted with the disease that is my life, but you remind me of the cure that is your love and I am greatful for that. 

Daddy is no longer around but you’ve been a very big daddy to me especially when I’ve done nothing but rebel. It’s like I can see you standing in the corner waiting for me to come to terms with my childish stupidity. The thing is I just don’t know how to make that journey across the room to the corner where you stand. 

Dear God, 
Thank you for keeping my secrets.
For keeping Mummy company
For making me laugh everyday 
For giving me free favours
For forgiving my indiscretions and sins
For standing me out in a crowd
For Your gifts and talents
And Great friends, which I take pleasure in annoying. 

I might not be the best child you have now, but I promise never to give up trying.

In Jesus name

I Want To Be An Ordinary Man

The ordinary man is not a man without great dreams
But, He is a man that wants to change the world
The ordinary man is a man ready to use all means
Whether it is the hard rod or the spoken word

The ordinary man is the father who loves to play with the kids
He who puts family first above all other things
The ordinary man is husband who puts food on the table
And goes beyond that to do all as he is able

The ordinary man will never cheat on his wife
He doesn’t indulge in things that make her go through strife
He sets an example of love and care
Which his children follow after without any fear

The ordinary man is first great in his family
Before leaving the house to face the worlds anomaly
The ordinary man is not to be called a local champion
But one who gives true priorities his full attention

I want to be an ordinary man when I’m grown
To put on a cape and save the entire globe
But not before I save my home

Happy Anniversary


Ladies and gentlemen I present my favorite CU couple. *drum rolls*. Dimu and Amarachi but I prefer to call them internship and Dimu respectively. 

To all my dear readers not blessed with basic deductive abilities, number 1 is Dimu AKA internship and number 2 is Amarachi AKA Dimu. Today they are celebrating their two year anniversary and I wanted to do something special for them so I decided to look for trouble. *Clears throat*.

I have no idea, how they met cause frankly, it’s none of my business. But what I do know is that they have been through hell and high water (especially the ones they caused) and for some reason unknown to man are still together even after breaking up more times than the entire Kardashain family put together. 

So in the spirit of extreme boredom and trouble making as well as felicitations I bid them happy anniversary and all other things that I currently do not know. 

By the way Number 3 is Dimus biceps (Amarachi likes it and she also likes his british accent too). 

Errrmmmm, Dimu, where do I get my cake from…all this is not for free man must chop cake.
And ehm, Amarachi, Dimu is crazily in love with you, he can’t stop talking about you.

*starts singing stay with me and walks away*