Category Archives: Rants

15 Places Where You Can Find Rich Husbands in Lagos

Wouldn’t you love to have a BellaNaija wedding? To have that Valentino dress, make everyone jealous and all the ladies want to be you? Wouldn’t it be nice to have all your money troubles disappear? You can do things at your own pace from a point of comfort. Or maybe you’re just tired of sharing the bills and having to understand his financial situation.  Baby, you know things are tough right now. 

Girl, you deserve the best in life! Sometimes, you might not just be so lucky to have it happen to you by accident. So go seek it out. Go and find the love of your life that will pamper you will luxury. He might not be hanging out in your usual circle. So…you have to find him in his.

There are a few places in Lagos that are known to be where your future bae hangs out. Most of these places are in Lagos Island, so you might actually want to consider moving there -if you don’t already. Keep reading for a cheat sheet on landing a life of wealth.

 

1. Protea Hotel

protea-hotel-ikeja-lagos-.jpgThis is one of the few establishments in Ikeja that the rich young men are known to congregate. You can also cup yourself an oyibo bae if you play your cards right.

 

2. Four Points

Four-Points-by-Sheraton-Lagos-Hotel.jpgFour Points by Sheraton is the younger cooler version of the vintage Sheraton Hotel. The clientele is notably younger too but the fatness of their wallets is not to be underestimated.

 

3. Eko Hotel

Eko Hotel ans SuitesYou are seeing the trend right? Rich men like to hang out in hotels in Lagos. But not just any hotels, the high-rise ones with expensive rooms. Just stroll in, talk to the receptionists, hang around the lobby and flirt. You never know you might get lucky.

Legend has it that men in Eko Hotel are also considerably generous.

4. Sheraton Hotel

sheratonlagosext.jpgSheraton!. You can’t go wrong with this old faithful. Just buy yourself the most expensive bottle of coke you will find in Lagos, sit down and look pretty.

 

5. Palms Shopping Mall ( specific places like Cafe Vergano)

Palms Shopping Mall Lekki-hotels.ng.jpgYou are probably thinking, “Is it not the same shoprite I go to every day?” No, it isn’t. There’s Palms Shopping Mall and there’s Palms Shopping Mall. You need to open your third eye. There are several lounges in the mall you’ve probably never thought of entering. You should. Your future husband is there.

 

6. Atican Beach Resort

atican beach resort aerial view-hotels.ng.jpgCompared to Elegushi Beach and Oniru Beach, Atican Beach is probably not considered popular. But… it’s one of the Island’s best-kept secrets. It’s private so you can easily walk into a rich young man looking for some relaxation or maybe a group of rich friends just hanging out.

7. Lekki-Ikoyi Bridge at 6 am

Joggers on the Lekki Ikoyi link bridge.jpgWomen are masters at multitasking. It is a known fact. So why not make it worth your while. You can stay fit and meet the love of your life all at once. Here’s how to do it. Wake up in the early am, dress in really nice up-to-date sportswear. No hair net, no hair rollers. Pack that thing is a cute ponytail. Look your best but make sure it’s effortless. You want to give the impression that you woke up like this. Now jog across Lekki-Ikoyi bridge, but not too hard, you have to look like you are floating with every step.

When a car headlight approaches, look unbothered. But also observe the caliber of the vehicle coming your way. It’s the very first impression that counts in this case. You may not meet your Mr. Right the first time, but if you are consistent, you’ll get noticed.

8. Intercontinental Hotel

intercontinental-hotel-lagos.jpegAnother hotel lobby lined with gold, get to digging.

 

9. Lagos Oriental Hotel

lagos-oriental-hotel-lagos-.jpgOlamide shot his “Lagos Boys” video here. So that should tell you something.

 

10. Murtala Mohammed Airport

murtala-muhammed-international-airport-lagos-nigeria-mmia.jpgDon’t all Hollywood romances have an airport scene? Why should our dear MMA be any different? Just be careful not to encounter an overdressed “Importer Exporter” claiming to be an O.B.O.

 

11. Wedding Receptions in Lagos Island

wedding-events-hotels.ng.jpgGo to the wedding looking like a “Slay Mama”, make sure you walk around a lot so he can get several views of you. There’s always that one guy at the wedding that catches your eye and if the wedding is on the Island, then your chances of catching a sugar bae increase exponentially.

 

12. La Mango Restaurant

la-mango-lagos-hotels.ngLa Mango is arguably the most talked restaurant and bar on the mainland. So of course, rich men like to go there. They also particularly love its outdoor seating, it’s breathtaking poolside and the rooftop terrace. Do you know what this means for you? You can wear your swimsuit and show off your best assets.

 

13. Ikeja City Mall (specific places like Rhapsody’s and Spurs)

Rhapsody's Ikeja City Mall.jpgLike I said about The Palms, these malls are not to be underestimated. Look beyond what you see.

 

14. Zenbah

zenbah-hotels.ngThis is one of the most expensive cocktail places in Lagos. You know what that means. No further explanation needed.

 

15. New Age Churches

House on the Rock.jpgElevation Church, House on the Rock, COZA, Guiding Light Assembly and all the “New Age Churches” are the in thing now. What’s better than a rich man who enjoys the presence of God?

There you have it. You’ve got all the tools. Now go forth and prosper. Don’t be selfish, share this with others. You will need a wingman when you go to these places anyways. Please invite me to your wedding, this advice is not for free, I want to eat party rice.

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Let’s talk about Nigeria for a minute

If you have followed my blog for a while you will know that Nigeria is one of my favorite things to write about, and these days it has been very hard to do that. But I want to overcome the difficulty and talk to you about Nigeria.

What have Nigerian politicians done for some of you that you want to kill all of us because of them? Some of you are ready to kill another person because of Nigerian politicians, people you don’t know and don’t know you? Will it kill you to admit that Jonathan was a terrible president and that Buhari, is equally as terrible?  Will you die if you admit that APC is just as selfish and evil as PDP?

Even if you can’t admit it in public because of your over-inflated ego, surely you can do that in private?  Surely you can lock yourself up in your room and admit that this country is not working. We have been in a recession for so long that recession jokes have all become dry. Surely somewhere in your heart you know that whether you believe in APC or PDP, Nigeria is not working.

These things are fact, these things are crystal clear but instead of us to work together we are bickering over politicians who do nothing for us.

As at the writing of this, there has been 226 days in 2017 and President Buhari has spent at least 152 days in the UK. As far as 2017 is concerned our president is closer to a being a British citizen than he is to being a Nigerian citizen not to talk of Nigerian president. In that time, the economy has remained in the same toilet Buhari left it in, Nnamdi Kanu, first of his name, has gained enough man power to  start an actual army down south, Boko Haram are back like they never left up north and then ASUU unleashes a mass population of idle youths into a very chaotic scene. There is not much room for excitement to be honest and it is very depressing when you think about it.

I am not trying to scare you but I need you to know that, cliche and banter aside, Nigeria is falling apart and very soon something will give. We as Nigerians are standing in a room filled with gas and instead of looking for a way out we are hoping and praying nothing ignites a spark. We will not survive like this much longer, even if we do make it passed Boko Haram, a failing economy and Nnamdi Kanu in one piece, oil is going away and it’s never coming back, our population is exploding and there will be even less opportunities than there are now.

I want you to know that your children and my children will grow up in a Nigeria that is much tougher than it is now unless we stop that from happening and we are running out of time.

If you don’t know what to do to make a big difference, start from the little things. Vote for your conscience, vote for the man or woman with the best plan even if they don’t have a political party with huge cash. Follow the activities of your state governor, your state legislature, the national assembly, ask them questions, do not compromise your integrity and if you have none, get some. Keep your loyalty for your conscience and not any politician or political party. Don’t keep quiet, let your voice be heard, don’t let sincere ignorance stand and don’t suffer fools. Let your presence be felt.

Nigeria may have done nothing for you but she needs you. She needs you more than she knows it. Stay safe, stay smart, stay woke.

 

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Adulting is hard: 5 things no one ever tells you about adulting

Good day Ladies and Gentlemen,
How has life been? Good? Well me too sha, I’m fine.. But not entirely. I’ve only been adulting for like two minutes now and I’m already tired. I miss those primary school days when we used to buy fan lolli for N20 and the mallam would cut it into 2 with scissors.

You spend all your life literally looking up at adults and saying, me too, ama be like that one day. Talking bout whe I  grow up, this, when I grow up, that. Little did you know that you were swearing for yourself. If you could take it back now, wouldn’t you rather be in primary 1 reciting your two times table?

You know adults are actually wicked. They teach you to walk and talk. They tell you to read your books, pass your exams and become successful. They buy you nice things when you get 1st position in class or take you out for ice cream when you make them proud. But never do they ever warn you about the danger ahead.

*CHILDREN BEWARE: ADULTING IS HARD*

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But no, for real, I can’t think of anything as evil as the conspiracy to trick all humanity into embracing adulthood. I mean, whose idea was it? I’m only asking for a friend. There are so many things I wish I had known on time. Maybe I would have stopped growing. But now it’s too late.
Here’s a terrifying list of things about adulting that no one ever told you. In descending order of “horrificness”.

5. All your first position and first class, is pure water.

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The only other thing Nigeria parents always say, apart from “you cannot greet abi? “, is make sure you get first position or make sure you carry first class. Or the savage version “the people that have a 5.0 gpa, do they have two heads?”

So if you are like me, and you were hitting above average scores throughout your academic career, you graduated hoping that you would just manage small, and get a good job with your slightly-above-mediocre grades. But alas, no one if it matters.

At my current work place sef, they never asked me for my CV, talkless of my GPA. I’m just imagining, if I had joined those two headed people, and carried the scores of everyone in the class, by now I would be upset with life. Even if my colleagues are first class graduates, and we are earning the same peanuts together.

So I mean, if you haven’t graduated yet and you’re killing yourself over best graduating student, my advice is to relax your navz. You go dey alright.

This is Nigeria, we will all look for the jobs together, only for the politicians’ children to take it from us. Besiiiides, you are 99% not likely to use that your rubbish certificate anyways. You will wake up one morning and someone will say they are looking for ushers, social media managers or something any basic human being can quickly learn. Then, before you know it, that is your career. So no need to grow two heads.

4. The weekend is a what? A scam

So you go to work 5 days a week. For some of us, 6 days. The weekdays are so designed to having you anticipating a non-existent break.

You know what I mean. This is the way a typical week goes;
Mooooooooooooondaaaay
Tueeeeeeeeeeesdaaay
Wednesdaaaay
Thursday
Friyay!
Sat*blink*Sun
Mooooooooooooondaaaay

You will sit at that your office desk, dreaming of your turn up and weekend enjoyment, only to end up looking for sleep half the time. Me, I spend most of the weekend catching up on chores. And cooking!

As you lay your head to siesta on Sunday afternoon, just forget it, the next reality you will wake up to is you getting dressed for work and entering back into the madness.

3. Uncles and Aunties stop giving you money to buy fanta

images-4The greatest joy of my childhood was those times someone would come to visit my family in our house. Those visits were tedious. They would send you up and down; go and buy drinks for your visitors, fry prawn crackers, serve the food, present yourself as a responsible child, give them your sweat and blood. It was a lot of stress, but it always paid in the end.

Somewhere between when the guests get up from their seats and when they leave your house, they would reach into their pockets and bring out “money for sweet or Fanta” and discreetly place it in your hands.

I used to have this uncle that always gave me 2,000 naira in 20 naira notes. Those days when 20 naira was paper not polymer. Looking like Benjamins. I’d sit seriously and be counting my fortune in excitement.

But now, this same uncle… What does he do everytime he’s leaving after a visit? He smiles at me and says “..ah Princess, when will you be inviting us to eat party rice? That your bride price, me and your daddy will share it oh!”
Please sir, how does that one affect my account balance?

2.There is no holiday

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You go to school and study and write exams and go on holiday abi? So when you are suffering at least you know there’s enjoyment around the corner. But then imagine that you had to write exams everyday, for the rest of your life, without a course outline, or anyone teaching, without a break to look forward to.

That my friends, is adulthood.

There’s no summer break, no Christmas break, no mid term. It never goes off. “The school of life” is constantly in session. 366 days 24/7, till the day you die, you will continue to adult.
If you like, go on leave, or take whatever break, fall into a coma. When you open your eyes, adulting will be waiting for you.
It only gets worse as the time goes on.

1.You have to spend your own money

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I think the greatest shock for me was having to buy my birthday things with my own money. Like… no break? Even on my birthday?
For real, adulting has taught me to dream within my budget. Can’t be thinking about frivolous things like Chinese food, new clothes and random uncalled for dashing of money to professional beggars in the street. Even single 10 naira comes from your account.

Those days we used to scam our parents and collect money for “handouts”, “excursions” and “convocation dues”, loooong gone. If you ask my father for money now, he will remind you of the cost of your 16 years of education plus inflation. Before you get that money, you will sign an undertaking that states that you are a child and will hereby be treated as such. (Daddy, if you read this I’m exaggerating oh. Biko).

You know you are an adult when 10 naira debit alert in the name of “card maintenance” annoys the hell out of you. Like do these banks think we pluck money from trees?

Me that has been saving money for a new phone for so long. But every month, one thing or the other would come up and my akant would just be giving me side eye. It’s the same me that access bank is collecting 200 naira from every month. Isn’t that wickedness?

Worse still, you are no longer entitled to student discount at the cinema. That 500 naira you would have used to buy popcorn. They will make sure they collect it from you. If you are like me, you’ll sneak in 80 naira bottled water from Shoprite into the theatre. Drink that one and dey alright.

If you’re reading this and you haven’t started adulting yet, please take it from me, stay in school kid.

My Illogical Fear of The Planet of The Apes Movies

I’m an action and sci-fi movie buff. If there are guns fight scenes, knives, crazy stunts and mad explosions I am your guy. But I wasn’t always like that, in fact as a kid I was terrified of Nollywood and action movies. It’s so bad thatfour of my top five greatest traumas as a child were from movies and one of them was the 2001 Planet of The Apes. You can watch the trailer below if you can’t remember the movie.

So there I was as a child watching this movie and getting the life scared out of me. I could not understand how apes were dominating and tormenting humans and although I must confess that at the time I didn’t understand the difference between apes and monkeys, I was still scared senseless. I knew it wasn’t real because I didn’t develop a mortal fear of apes or monkeys but I developed a fear for the entire franchise, I’m afraid of those words put together in the same sentence. As I write this my chest is beating faster because it still scares me.

I know this is ridiculous, after all, I can watch horror movies without flinching, I have also watched some of the most gruesome movie scenes while eating, appetite unaffected, #BossLife, but the moment you put ANY planet of the apes movies in front of me I’m like

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Anyway for those of you that care for the franchise here’s the brand new trailer for War For The Planet of The Apes out in July 2017.

 

Annnnnnnnnd, this is me right now.

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This time hustle is not our own

Over the weekend the one Africa music festival was the bunt of a lot of jokes, the concert started over an hour late and was forced to end abruptly after exhausting the time they were given, it was so bad that even Jidenna was billed to perform but couldn’t had this to say about our time consciousness ,

 

If you are a stranger to African or even Nigerian culture you will think time works the same way as it does around the world. It doesn’t. In Nigeria, time is not a law, it is not something you have to stick to or abide by, it is a suggestion, a subtle reminder that if you were in another country you would have been attending an event or on your way to a meeting. Since you are in Nigeria however, it just means you should maybe start getting ready so you don’t get there 2 hours late.

You’re probably wondering why so many Nigerians own clocks and wristwatches, the answer is very simple. They are for decoration. Imagine entering a home and there are no clocks, it’s absurd, ridiculous and very odd. We also have clocks and wristwatches so that family devotions can start on time, although they never end on time.

Does anything in Nigeria even stick to time? Even NTA’s Tv shows start and end late airlines never leave on time, trains and buses do not know there is such a thing as time, even Uber has started using Nigerian time when estimating how soon a driver will reach you. Let’s not lie to ourselves, this time hustle is not our own.

The Post About A Lot Of Things

I want to write something that’s deep or funny, thought provoking or at least just, something that will make you pause. but the economy wont allow. Don’t ask me how the economy is affecting inspiration, just know it is.

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I also want to go on vacation. I just want to spend maybe a week or two in some fancy hotel with some fancy room service, but who am I kidding. This economy said

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I once came home from work and told my mum I want to be rich. Instead of her to give me some words of encouragement, love and affection she glances at me with a raised pitch and says “Work Hard!” I wonder did she think I didn’t know that before? The economy most definitely is affecting how we show love and affection.

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Speaking of love and affection, what a time to be single. I mean with 18% inflation, tax deductions and a fixed minimum-wage like salary  I can only afford a relationship with myself. As much as I want to be in a relationship,my bank account is looking at me like

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I do have to apologsie at this post is about nothing in particular. If you think you’ve wasted your time, I do agree. If you’re angry about let me just tell you now

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Me, My Curves & I

Written by Ruth Woke

I know not everyone would agree with this blog post and I understand that. However, for those who would read this with an open mind, good for you.

As a curvy young girl who is beautiful and has a build mostly talked about in lewd rap songs, the pressure is on from multiple sides. Boys seem to expect you to be promiscuous and always ask variants of this ridiculous question “what’s a pretty girl like you doing without a boyfriend” or” she must not be attracted to boys” after you reject their advances. And girls alternate between complimenting you and trying to fat shame you (which is ridiculous by the way). After years of this happening and social media telling you to look a certain way to get attention, you finally say it’s enough.

No I don’t need to have every piece hanging out, maybe sometimes I prefer to look like a cute princess than a sexy bombshell, maybe sometimes I’ll rather be toned down than played up and maybe I don’t like being referred to as sexy every time because it worries me that you can’t see past that to the intelligent human being beneath.

We either feel pressured to wear burlap sacks because we’re “sin-inducing” or to leave as little as possible to the imagination because “if you got it girl, flaunt it“. There is a safe medium in this meter and it’s called moderation or modesty. It’s possible to look “bomb” without feeling empty inside when you get home and you take off that outfit wondering it was worth it. Because underneath every girls “banging body“, is a soul all the same.

Sometimes slimmer girls think we have it all good beacuse we always seem to get attention but maybe we don’t always want the attention. We don’t need the catcalls and lewd insinuations and gestures and NO our only future ambition isn’t to look more like Kim Kardashian or even be a video vixen. You can be a curvy doctor, a “hot” lawyer or even a president. Because our body type is used in the media to sell something doesn’t mean we’re selling it. At the end of the day it’s just a body. You take care of it by eating well and quality physical activity, neither smoking nor drinking, and profitable achievements. And one day, with all the strict maintenance it’ll fall subject to gravity. So really, we have to strive to be more than our bodies.

People would remember our contributions to the world not how good we looked in a swimsuit. All my love.

To read more from Ruth, checkout her blog at idascloset.wordpress.com

 

The Evolution of iPads in Covenant University 

DISCLAIMER: I wrote this post without shame.

The very first time I held an iPad was sometime in 2012, it was such piece of magic. I thought of it as a flat touch screen laptop. I was captivated but shame didn’t allow me to show it as it wasn’t mine. It was an iPad 1 and was for a friend of mine and we had gone to Landmark University to write entrance exams, and I couldn’t get enough of the iPads temple run. I couldn’t bother about the exam I was writing. I eventually snubbed Landmark and went to Covenant University instead and my parents got me this really small Acer Laptop and a small MP3 player. Those were the only gadgets I came with. I wasn’t sure we could afford an iPad so I never asked. 

iPads weren’t as popular in CU when I got admitted, in fact they were part of the starter pack for the really cool kids. There were about 20 boys in my course and only one of us owned an iPad as at the start of Omega semester. That iPad made him so cool that we added it to his name and started calling him Phillip iPad. Till today we still refer to him as that even after he left CU. 

Guys would say iPad made girls go gaga, but the reality is that it added to your reputation among guys and I learnt this from observing Phillip and his iPad. I thought I was lucky because he was my roommate and so I got to use it a lot more than some. Those days, guys would troop into our room sit down and just use Phillips iPad to jam up, borrow it to browse and even play temple run.

With the girls it was looked at as a different ball game. In 100 level, guys with iPads actually had more female friends than guys without. When people went out to pair (seek companionship from the opposite sex between 7pm and 9pm) they always found a girl to chat up, although half the time she ended up using his iPad and apart from the occasional laughter, could care less about his existence. Occasionally she would even take the iPad to her hostel. Make no mistake, this went both ways, I know a couple of guys that went after girls because they owned iPads. They too would borrow it, for days even. 

Maybe once or twice I’d plug and earphone into my laptop, put it in a small dark pouch and go to library, it created the intended effect of looking like an iPad especially with help from the darkness the night provided, but I knew I was only fooling myself. 

Then came iPad minis. All hell broke loose, between my 100 level Omega semester and 200 level Alpha semester, iPads went from crude oil to pure water. I remember one of my friends in another university once asked me, “I hear iPads are just everywhere in that your school.” I didn’t know how to respond to that, I’m not even sure I was supposed to. 
My course went from 1 in 20 boys owning an iPad to 9-10 out of 20 in the space of a semester. The number eventually increased even as the number of boys shrunk. 
Updating iOS was a problem, especially when iOS 7 came out, because a lot of people where walking from library to CDS looking for wifi. It even became a business where you would pay to get your iPads OS updated. 
Gradually the value the opposite sex placed on your iPad began to decrease and within a year or two, no one cared. Eventually people started trading in iPads for iPods, I thought of it, but by then my iPad had become the headquarters of UgoTalksAlot and I wasn’t ready to start typing blog posts on an iPod so I decided not to. 

The official death of an iPad as an article of ostentation in CU was the beginning of CU tab. It absolutely murdered iPads. The school gave out Samsung tablets to every student in 300 level Omega semester and no one cared if you had an iPad, you could shove it down your throat. Some even dropped their iPads for the CU tabs, but that was before they realised the tablets were fearfully made, but that’s another story.

I stuck by my iPad though, we had been through a lot together. I’d read tons of books on it, listened to thousands of songs. Like everyone my love for temple run died and instead of moving to subway surfers and the likes, I started taking out of my pocket money to by big gun iPad games, like FIFA, GTA and Spider-Man and the likes because my Acer laptop couldn’t even play subway surfers. 

Some Nigerians Deserve Idi Amin as President 

DISCLAIMER: I couldn’t think of anything better to title this and no this is not a political piece. 😐

One of our boisterous neighbours, is yelling through the windows for my mum and I’m in no mood to listen to that decibel of noise. He tells my sister that our security man just got hit by a motorcycle. I live in an a compound that has about six to seven flats, two gates and one security man and he also serves as our do everything guy. From helping people run errands to being the spokesperson for the compound when NEPA is around, so everyone is concerned. 
The security man, Denis, was hit by a motorcycle, that in an attempt to overtake a car, left the street and headed to the sidewalk and ran right through Denis. Everyone gathers and in the commotion the bike driver disappears. The Hausa malam and his friends across the street and his friends run towards Denis. They try to get him up but notice immediately that his leg is broken, blood is everywhere and is still flowing relentlessly. The only sentence Denis seems to be able to string together is a rather calm “My leg is broken.”
There’s a hospital right across the road, King Solomon’s Hospital, Anthony. It’s directly opposite the accident site and some of the staff even saw the accident happen, but the hospital won’t admit Denis without a police report. Suddenly, three police officers show up in a pick up truck, AK47’s locked and loaded in case someone begins to get any ideas. Apparently, the bike driver went to the station to report the incident. The police try to get him into the hospital but their uniform is not a police report, at least that’s what the hospital insinuates. They want an official police report. I just wonder how they expect a man with a broken leg to start giving a statement to the police in a station that has no electricity. 
The police put Denis in the back of their pick up truck and make their way to Gbadagry.
I wonder if it’s optional for medical practitioners to take the Hippocratic oath because I cannot understand the actions of the hospital. I cannot understand a lot of things Nigerians do these days. Sometimes I think a lot of Nigerians deserve Idi Amin as President and Abacha as vice. It’s really infuriating to think how a motorcyclist will leave the bloody road in the night and just assume no one is walking on the sidewalks. 
Ever since I’ve moved to Lagos I’ve been complaining the streets in residential areas are too narrow, added to that, people park anyhow like wild animals, so maybe I can’t even blame the motorcyclist for not knowing what a sidewalk is. I just hope Denis leg isn’t too badly hurt.