Top 5 Worst Movies 2015

It’s hard to believe it’s been just a year. 2015 has had so much going on in the TV and cinematic universes. So much

50 shades of Grey release feels like a lifetime ago (Yes, 50 shades is on my list).  But for real, it’s all just 2015

Hollywood has tried.

*Insert round of applause*

But…

With all the awesome stuff like Kingsman, Antman, Dope etc

You know, when people are succeeding, there will always be unfortunate fellows.

I think their misfortune needs to be celebrated

So here goes…

 

 

5. Get Hard

Can I just start by saying, I do not like Kevin Hart.

Since Laugh at My pain I think he has been reaching. But you know, he’s at a disadvantaged size so… It’s a bit difficult. I mean… the movie is called Get Hard.

Should have called it Trying too hard. 

The whole thing was just Hart making a lot of faces and forcing you to laugh at stupid pranks (as usual).

Honestly, he might as well have yelled “Laugh at my joke!!!!!”

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And don’t get me started on Will Farrel. I don’t know why, but his face is just too distracting. So yeah, the both of them were just making faces.

Oh and they set an old lady on fire

Oh not the same movie?… I didn’t notice. They all feel the same to me.

You know what? Number 5 is any Hart movie released this year. I don’t want to waste my space saying the same things

 

 

 

4. Hot Time Machine 2

hottubtimemachine2

Another comedic overkill. This really irks me because I love comedy. I do not have a sense of humour so I need stuff like this to keep me at a manageable level.

But mehn… my humour account is in the red this year.

Thanks Hollywood

There was only one joke really. “Penis”

That’s all.

I’m sorry, but I don’t think genitalia is a joke. Maybe I’m alone in this.

Over the top antics and stupidity

Hardy har har

 

 

 

 

3. 50 shades

We all know what happened.

And what didn’t.

Please don’t me relive it.

I’ll say one thing and one thing only ; download.jpg

And they are making a sequel. They are filming the whole trilogy!!!

 

 

 

 

2. Fantastic 4

I laugh now when I remember how mad I was about the
Spiderman reboot. I wasn’t ready for this. Not all.
I’d take Andrew Garfield back over this pile of ….

Well done Fox, well done. You’ve done it once again

From the casting to the dialogues. Oh the plot!! Don’t get me started on the plot. I mean, nothing cool happens. Johnny Reed is supposed to be funny. But I don’t know, maybe because he’s black now.

And black people don’t tell jokes or something.

IDK

F4 need a rereboot. But honestly, I’m afraid to ask.

 

 

NUMERO UNO

*drum roll*

Mark Wahlberg, Ted, voiced by Seth MacFarlane, and Amanda Seyfried in a scene from 'Ted 2'

 

TED 2

So many weak pop culture references. So much political incorrectness. No real jokes.

Honestly, I just managed that first one.

Someone should please tell Hollywood that comedy sequels don’t work.

Except 22 Jumpstreet.

But how stupid do they think we are? That we’d just laugh at the same jokes twice and not notice.

We get it, he’s a “real life talking teddy bear” that lacks home training. He married and became a prostitute

My ribs are cracking.

 

Others that could make it to the top 5 are; Chappie, Unfinished Business, Jupiter Ascending, Pixels. Though they are crap, they were interesting to watch at least.

To be very honest, we can just forget the ranking. Horrible is horrible.

*DISCLAIMER

My critique is neither objective nor professional. It’s my own opinion, no need to shoot me.

I didn’t want to blog about this; Ugotalksalot and made me do it.

Please don’t shoot me.

Feel free to comment. Give your own opinion. I like to be proven wrong

Also END NOTE: If you like up to 3 of the above movies, you my dear are also a pile of poo.

*Runs away*

 

 

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Common Sense

People say nonsense on twitter. It’s expected. As my biology teacher always used say “common sense is not common”, so I don’t let stupidity bother me. The arguments on social media are usually trivial anyways.

But one thing I cannot stand is people speaking assertively out of ignorance. There are some fundamental problems in this world that must never joke about or trivialize. I mean, I believe in freedom of speech and all but no seriously…

 

Screenshot_2015-11-27-13-51-46-1PicsArt_12-02-10.06.17

 

What do you mean?

Rape!

Bloody rape, how can you say that the victims  are at fault. I expect this from old men who can’t see beyond their bellies. But us?  After our parents have finished investing in your education. Some how many of us still managed to miss out on sense acquisition.

I actually expected better.

My bad.

On a serious note, where do people come up with these things? Basically saying that women that get raped deserve it somehow.

In my two past near-rape experiences, I was wearing sweat pants.  But yeah, it’s my fault; comfortable clothes are just so erotic. What was I thinking?

What of the little children that get raped? By strangers, by relatives, by people who were supposed to be protecting them. How did they dress to deserve such evil?

Or Muslim girls covered from head to toe?

Or guys? What could they have possibly done to warrant it?

But even if I am walking around in my underwear, is it your body? How does it affect you?

You think when the unrepentant rapist dies, he can just say “It wasn’t my fault, she wore a mini skirt… she wanted the D. She just didn’t know it yet” ?

 

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This is a disgusting trend; blaming the fragile creatures that have been through a lifetime of nightmares and insecurity.

You know what? I think I realize the sense in it now. Let us blame the victims. Let’s blame all the victims

If you get hit by a drunk driver, I will tell you didn’t look well before you crossed the road. Why were you even on the road in the first place? Your mates that were not hit, do they have two heads?

If your shop gets robbed, then what’s wrong with you? Why would you have a shop and be displaying your wares though transparent glass? You are the one that attracted the robbers.

Let’s blame the poor, blind, disabled and mentally impaired. Because honestly, it’s all the same thing. These people are not in control of their conditions. If you can blame rape victims, use the same measure to deal with other victims or else you a simply a hypocrite

Shame on you if you are among those who felt that provocative dressing somehow justifies rape.

Shame on you if you treat people differently after finding out they have been victims of this evil.

Shame on you if you feel disconnected and indifferent about the realities of rape and sexual abuse, molestation and rape.

It could be your friend, it could be you sister or brother.

It could damn well be you.

No matter how you appear, how old you are or who you think your daddy is?

Evil does not discriminate.

So do the world a favour, before you hit the “tweet” button, ask the Lord for sense, no matter how temporary.

If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally … and it shall be given to him

James 1 : 5

God works miracles.

Six months a Single Pringle

So basically, operation #seizethebae2015 has been an epic fail.

The year is already over, there’s no hope. DO NOT try and console me.

I mean, I’m a fine girl. Like  6.5 on a scale of 1-10; If I have to say so myself (which apparently, I do).  Lightskinned, no pimples, no k-leg, no nothing. I even come complete with my own naturally grown fleeky eyebrows.

Yet, still…

IMG_20151116_195201

Being a singular pringular is not easy for someone in my condition. I mean, I have needs.

Like Melting Moments type of needs.

But any ways, what can a girl do

A girl must

The funny thing is. I actually started well y’know…

You remember in secondary school, when your maths teacher calls you to solve an example in front of the class and you get it correct… As a boss…

Then test comes and people ask you “What did you get?”

“I haven’t seen my script yet”

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Yep, that’s exactly what happened to me. Started 2015 with bae successfully seized and like play, like play, I have arrived November on some self love nonsense.

So I’ve been single since June or so…  By now, I thought someone would just come over and be like “Hey cutie, come over here and get some lovin’” and then  I would front small like “Yeah.. give me some time, I’ll have to think about it” .

Instead I’m just here pending, and all my friends are asking me for relationship advice. Really, what’s up with that? How on earth am I suppose to know? I am just a lone pringle in this world; vulnerable  and easy to smash.

So everyone, plix ep.  Even if you don’t want me, tell your friends to tell their friends

Don’t worry, I am not selective. All I require is complete set of limbs and an average IQ and we are good to go. Just slide into my dms. @PrincessIlonze I am a very nice person. I swear.

If you’re too shy to slide, just follow me and then like one of my tweets, I’ll get the message.

Autosliding 100% guaranteed.

 

 

I’m not thirsty.

*CRIES IN SMALL BUM BUM*

Twitter and I have this love-hate relationship. On one hand, I like gist so twitter makes amebo easy. I tried to fast from twitter last month; EPIC FAIL! Gist is just too sweet.

On the other hand, there are many things I hate about twitter. Like how stupidity gets retweets. Or how people just like to form political correctness all over the place. Or how trailer can come and jam, unjam and rejam anyone, any time, any place; regardless of who you think your daddy is. Or how every year, there’s a particular way girls take their pictures?

 

PicsArt_11-07-11.03.49

 

And I’m always the last to find out.

 

Twitter serves as a reminder of all the things I don’t have like; money, clothes, bae and of course… BUM BUM.

But really, twitter. Nigerian twitter. You people have no chill.

All these pictures that will be appearing on my TL daily….baddies and postbadbitches. You people just tweet butts of all shapes and sizes, you can’t allow me see road. Guys be like “This is what a real woman should look like”. So… me I’m what now?

What’s that girls name again… “agnes gerald” with those her videos  and fake deep captions .WHERE IS SHE ALWAYS WALKING TO?, I mean, how does she even find trousers her size? Is she the only one eating Ghanaian jollof?

I know I sound pained. But guys it’s not fair nau.

I know guys dating skinny girls that literally have to defend their manhood any time the body type comes up. Like you are not a real guy if she isn’t carry junk in the trunk.

When we were growing up, I remember people used to come to my house and tell my parents that they should ” be careful oh!, the way she’s going you would have to chase all those boys away with cutlass!”   Back then, model physique was all the rage.   Abgani Darego was Nigeria’s beauty symbol. You know… It was a good time for my people. I thought I was going to be a hot cake in my 20s.

I would have been all like “Guys..guys… calm down … there’s enough Princess for everyone”

Now MBGN 2015 slim thick.

mbgn

Bum bum has entered beauty pagents.

Issallova!

God punish the Kardashians

God punish Nicki Minaj and Iggy and Amber Rose and Beyonce.

May their off spring have concave behinds.

MY NAME IS PRINCESS AND I AM NOT A FEMININST

For some reason, I’m guessing twitter or whatever, people have been going on and on about this feminism thing of late. Sometimes intelligently….most often not. I’ve been privy to numerous fly-by conversations that involved people talking about feminism.  Another thing I’ve noticed is that the people bringing it up are mostly guys.

Like are y’all pained or something?

Meninists.

One time, I overheard two guys talking about how long girls take to dress up and then one of them  goes “ …and later they will say they want equality…”

I was like whut!!.

But actually, fly-by conversations are the best.

So yes, I am female, relatively educated, ambitious, pseudo-independent and for some reason, people (again, guys!!!) see this and just think “Ah!, that one! …Fem-in-ist!!”

Au contraire , mes frères ! I happen to like things the way they are; for the most part.

I like the world where men are supposed to open doors for me , buy me gifts and treat me like an egg. I like the world where he takes me out on dates , pays the bills and then drives me home afterwards. I like the world where my money is my money and his money is our money.  I like the world where if I don’t slay and I have a man then “He’s not treating me right”. I like the world where he asks for my hand on his knees and then I spend all his life savings on a wedding.

Now, having said that; there’s no perfect world and obviously some things have to change. I mean there’s rape, marital rape, girl child illiteracy, forced prostitution, domestic violence, sexual harassment, forced marriage, forced and continuously forced pregnancy (yes, this is a thing IN MARRIAGES!!). Women all over the world are deprived rights to vote, to drive, to express themselves, to self determination, they work more and earn less.

Errm… but Princess… I thought you said you are not a feminist?

I’m not but these things cannot be belittled. My issue with the whole feminism thing is actually two-fold.

First of all ( introduction) , see ehn… I’ve been in this world a short time but with the little sense I have gathered, this equality of a thing … e get as e get. I mean, it is my understanding that the fight against racial discrimination became popular first before feminism and here we are in 2015 ; November no less, and we are still hearing shooting this and policed brutality that.

Okay, what of poverty eradication? Or solving unemployment? Or third world development? Or Freaking GLOBAL WARMING?!! . So many troubles of the world; fights that we started since oh. Still no solution. I know these issues are different, fundamentally. But… my point is that these are ideals. Just like this equality of a thing you guys and ladies are talking about. Equality is too farfetched for me to stand behind. Sure, stuff can and should reduce. But I’m not about to start burning my bras because of it.

Another reason I’m not a feminist; please someone tell me, what exactly is this feminism of a thing? Like, everybody you ask will say one this or that. I’m confused; thoroughly. How can you be asking people to give you something… that you don’t know.

Seriously?

For real?

I guess a reason for this lack of singular identity is that there’s no authority figure. I mean the likes of MLK…Mandela…Bin Laden. C’mon, even TuPac and Fela!!.  It’s such a sheep without shepherd situation.

Because women just like to hate on each other. If a woman comes up and tries to lead, we just squeeze our noses somehow and say “Who does that one think she is ?”.  I’ve heard similar responses from females about women that try to lead like Chimamanda, Remi Sonaya…. and Hilary Clinton. So who is really doing who here? We are just doing ourselves.

Maybe if a male feminist came up and led. LOOL! The irony!!

So…. bottom line. I’m confused and not convinced and I cannot for the life of me call myself something that I don’t what it means or just be following the crowd when there’s no one leading in front.

Lol, so this is my first post. Please don’t shoot me.