All posts by Princess of no Kingdom

Please be advised, a journey into this mind is at your own risk

10 Things That Need to Be in The Nigerian Constitution

To whom to may concern,

PETITION FOR THE INCLUSION OF CERTAIN NECESSARY PROVISIONS IN THE NIGERIAN CONSTITUTION

Provision 1: Jollof at parties

We hereby request that the official party food be officially identified as Jollof Rice. Party planners are allowed the privilege of deciding the garnishments to accompany the Jollof. Party planners may also offer other forms of food. However, the ratio of Jollof to other meal types should be no smaller than ratio 5:1.

Also, all Jollof Rices must have evidence of the party flavour i.e bay leaf. Otherwise, it is considered to be in violation of the Jollof Rice law.

Provision 2: Meat at the end of the meal

The official order of meal consumption is every other food group first, protein last. Nigerians are not permitted to eat proteins in the beginning or in the middle of the meal. Such an act should be considered unNigerian and must be punishable by future protein deprivation.

Provision 3: If she vomits she is pregnant

Within the Federal Republic of Nigeria, it is vital that we recognize several means of pregnancy testing. However, the officially recognized pregnancy test which should be considered valid and admissions in the court of law is abrupt vomiting by any female who has reached the age of puberty.

Vomiting is an especially valid sign of pregnancy if it happens mid-sentence. Once a female within the specified age vomits, no further testing is necessary. The pregnancy is confirmed.

Provision 4: Don’t spend clean money

In our great republic, spending any naira note that is still “mint” should be prohibited. Should the case arise that a citizen has no other note in his/her possession, such a person has the right to go begging for dirty notes. Spending of new notes is not permitted under such circumstances.

New naira notes are only to be used for two purposes. First, for the purchase of new items of a high calibre. Second, new notes may be used when sprayed at wedding ceremonies. Any other use outside of this is to be a punishable offence.

Provision 5: Friyay Native Attire

Every Friday is a national holiday from the slavery that is Western clothing. Thus, all true citizens of the Federal Republic of Nigeria are to be clad in “trad”. Violation of this is to be tagged as mutiny and conspiracy to recolonize the country. Such a person is to be ostracized.

Persons exempt from this law are neighborhood lunatics and local law enforcement officials. Which, if we are being honest sometimes make it difficult to know the difference.

Provision 6: NEPA will take light if it rains

We request that in order to reduce the disappointment and hopefulness levels of the citizens of the republic, an official provision should reflect the following; During a thunderstorm or a drizzle, there will be a sustained power outage, which will only be resolved within 1 hour of the rains’ dissipation.

This law also applies to all areas within a 30km radius of where the rain is actually falling.

Other provisions for due consideration include:

  • Items in the market are worth half the original stated price
  • The official TV station at all banking halls is CNN
  • The freshness of a loaf of bread is to be verified by the act of squeezing said bread.
  • Indicator lights are not valid. One must “trafficate” with their hand or be ignored.

Thank you for taking your time to consider our petition. We are open to your feedback and criticism. The aim is to ensure that the constitution reflects the true nature of “We, the people”. If there are any additions you would like to make do let us know in the comment section below.

Until then, we remain the Ugotalksalot Initiative.

Yours Sincerely,
Princess of no Kingdom

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Top 10 Hangout Spots in Abuja

Abuja isn’t just Nigeria’s political capital. In many ways, it’s the fun city of Nigeria. Abuja is the city with all levels of entertainment, but somehow, many people don’t know where the cool spots are, especially if you new to the city. Lucky for you, there’s an easy guide to having a fun time in Abuja.

  1. The Bank

bank20ab-161-56e82ae479c6eThis is a nightclub located along Aminu Kano Crescent, Wuse II. Some call it the Quilox of Abuja. At the Bank, you’ll enjoy a great mix of music, fun and fashion. If you are lucky, you might catch your favourite celebrity dancing along with you!

Hotels close to The Bank, Abuja
Transcorp Hilton Abuja
Rockview Hotel
Crown Princess Hotels 
Summerset Continental Hotel

2. Blucabana

bluc2-354-570bb3763f277

The Blucabana is a restaurant and cafe located in Mabushi, away from the hustle and bustle of major city areas. Pay the place a visit, enjoy a good meal and have a good time.

Hotels Near BluCabana
Sheraton Abuja Hotel
Hatfield Hotel, Jabi

3. Blake Resort

abuja-nigeria-blakes

The Blake Resort is a great place for fun, hanging out with friends or a night out. Enjoy an outdoor experience in a serene environment. It is nestled at Muhammed Bello Way, Garki II, Abuja.

Hotels Near Blake Resort
Emirates International Hotel
La Don Hotels

4. The Trukadero Place

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The Trukadero Place is the go-to spot for bowling in Abuja. The establishment is located in  131B Ademola Adetokunbo Crescent, Wuse II, Abuja.

Apart from bowling, you can also enjoy a variety of billiard games, an amusement park, and a restaurant. This is one of the best places to be in Abuja.

Hotels Near The Trukadero Place
Cross Road Hotel (Formerly known as Villa U Hotels)
Chateau de Trybze
Beverly Hills Hotels

5. Cubana Lounge

img_20160426_132309-491-571f5dcb8c2b2

The Cubana Lounge is a great night club in Wuse II. The club features a private jet in the middle of the club.

Hotels Near The Cubana Lounge
Dreamland Suites
Kryxtal Suites Wuse 2
Summit Villas Suites

6. The Secret Garden

best-pizza-in-abuja
The Secret Garden is located in Riverplate Park, off Ahmadu Bello Way. It is a perfect outdoor spot for solitary relaxation or spending quality time with friends and family. It’s also home to the best pizza in Abuja.

Hotels Near The Secret Garden
Bolton White Hotel

7. Sky Bar Rooftop Lounge

header_sky-bar-rooftop-lounge-summerset-abujaThis is a picturesque rooftop bar and one of the most luxurious locations in Abuja. This lounge in Asokoro is great for an intimate night for your special someone.

Hotels Near Skye Bar Rooftop Lounge
Barcelona Hotel

8. Millennium Park

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Millennium Park is a grand expanse of greenery beautiful for any time of day. At night, the park is especially breathtaking with its subtle lighting and numerous water fountains. Grab a blanket and some food and head over to the park for a nice time.

Hotels near Millennium Park, Abuja
Pope John Paul Catholic Guest House
Orient Hotel

9. Jabi Lake

3316789_origJabi Lake is the closest to a beach experience you can get in Abuja. In some ways, it’s a lot more than a beach with its numerous water sports and the newly completed Jabi Lake Mall offering you endless possibilities.

It’s a great place to spend time as a group, shop, enjoy the view from the terrace or just catch a movie.

Hotels Near Jabi Lake
Nugget Hotels
Reiz Continental Hotel
Ritman Hotels

10. Gurara Falls

guraraThough located on the outskirts of the city borders, Gurara Falls is too beautiful a location to be left out of this list. The fall has amazing scenes of rock formations together with the beautiful flora of evergreen trees and bushes, rivers, ponds and waterfalls all around you. It is located between Suleja, Abuja and Minna, the Niger state capital.

On your way to Gurara Falls, you can make a stop at the glorious national site that is Zuma Rock.

Abuja people, did I miss any place? Don’t beat me, just let me know. Comment comment comment

15 Places Where You Can Find Rich Husbands in Lagos

Wouldn’t you love to have a BellaNaija wedding? To have that Valentino dress, make everyone jealous and all the ladies want to be you? Wouldn’t it be nice to have all your money troubles disappear? You can do things at your own face from a point of comfort. Or maybe you’re just tired of sharing the bills and having to understand his financial situation.

Girl, you deserve the best in life! Sometimes, you might not just be so lucky to have it happen to you by accident. So go seek it out. Go and find the love of your life that will pamper you will luxury. He might not be hanging out in your usual circle. So…go and find him in his.

There are a few places in Lagos that are known to be where your future bae hangs out. Most of these places are in Lagos Island, so you might actually want to consider moving there -if you don’t already. Keep reading for a cheat sheet on landing a life of wealth.

 

1. Protea Hotel

protea-hotel-ikeja-lagos-.jpgThis is one of the few establishments in Ikeja that the rich young men are known to congregate. You can also cup yourself an oyibo bae if you play your cards right.

 

2. Four Points

Four-Points-by-Sheraton-Lagos-Hotel.jpgFour Points by Sheraton is the younger cooler version of the vintage Sheraton Hotel. The clientele is notably younger too but the fatness of their wallets is not to be underestimated.

 

3. Eko Hotel

Eko Hotel ans SuitesYou are seeing the trend right? Rich men like to hang out in hotels in Lagos. But not just any hotel, the high-rise ones with expensive rooms. Just stroll in, talk to the receptionists, hang around the lobby and flirt. You never know you might get lucky.

Legend has it that men in Eko Hotel are considered generous.

 

4. Sheraton Hotel

sheratonlagosext.jpgSheraton!. You can’t go wrong with this old faithful. Just buy yourself the most expensive bottle of coke you will find in Lagos and look pretty.

 

5. Palms Shopping Mall ( specific places like Cafe Vergano)

Palms Shopping Mall Lekki-hotels.ng.jpgYou are probably thinking, “Is it not the same shoprite I go to every day?” No, it isn’t. There’s Palms Shopping Mall and there’s Palms Shopping Mall. You need to open your third eye. There are several lounges in the mall you’ve probably never thought of entering. You should. Your future husband is there.

 

6. Atican Beach Resort

atican beach resort aerial view-hotels.ng.jpgCompared to Elegushi Beach and Oniru Beach, Atican Beach is probably not considered popular. But… it’s one of the Island’s best-kept secrets. It’s private so you can easily walk into a rich young man looking for some relaxation or maybe a group of rich friends just hanging out.

7. Lekki-Ikoyi Bridge at 6 am

Joggers on the Lekki Ikoyi link bridge.jpgWomen are masters at multitasking. It is a known fact. So why not make it worth your while. You can stay fit and meet the love of your life all at once. Here’s how to do it. Wake up in the early am, dress in really nice up-to-date sportswear. No hair net, no hair rollers. Pack that thing is a cute ponytail. Look your best but make sure it’s effortless. You want to give the impression that you woke up like this. Now jog across Lekki-Ikoyi bridge, but not too hard, you have to look like you are floating with every step.

When a car headlight approaches, look unbothered. But also observe the caliber of the vehicle coming your way. It’s the very first impression that counts in this case. You may not meet your Mr. Right the first time, but if you are consistent, you’ll get noticed.

8. Intercontinental Hotel

intercontinental-hotel-lagos.jpegAnother hotel lobby lined with gold, get to digging.

 

9. Lagos Oriental Hotel

lagos-oriental-hotel-lagos-.jpgOlamide shot his “Lagos Boys” video here. So that should tell you something.

 

10. Murtala Mohammed Airport

murtala-muhammed-international-airport-lagos-nigeria-mmia.jpgDon’t all Hollywood romances have an airport scene? Why should our dear MMA be any different? Just be careful not to encounter an overdressed “Importer Exporter” claiming to be an O.B.O.

 

11. Wedding Receptions in Lagos Island

wedding-events-hotels.ng.jpgGo to the wedding looking like a “Slay Mama”, make sure you walk around a lot so he can get several views of you. There’s always that one guy at the wedding that catches your eye and if the wedding is on the Island, then your chances of catching a sugar bae increase exponentially.

 

12. La Mango Restaurant

la-mango-lagos-hotels.ngLa Mango is arguably the most talked restaurant and bar on the mainland. So of course, rich men like to go there. They also particularly love its outdoor seating, it’s breathtaking poolside and the rooftop terrace. Do you know what this means for you? You can wear your swimsuit and show off your best assets.

 

13. Ikeja City Mall (specific places like Rhapsody’s and Spurs)

Rhapsody's Ikeja City Mall.jpgLike I said about The Palms, these malls are not to be underestimated. Look beyond what you see.

 

14. Zenbah

zenbah-hotels.ngThis is one of the most expensive cocktail places in Lagos. You know what that means. No further explanation needed.

 

15. New Age Churches

House on the Rock.jpgElevation Church, House on the Rock, COZA, Guiding Light Assembly and all the “New Age Churches” are the in thing now. What’s better than a rich man who enjoys the presence of God?

There you have it. You’ve got all the tools. Now go forth and prosper. Don’t be selfish, share this with others. You will need a wingman when you go to these places anyways.

5 Top Events in Lagos to Look Out for in September

September is here! It’s the end of summer aka rainy season in Lagos. Time to cash in on the last of the summer fun. There’s a lot to choose from, whether it is concerts, exhibitions or shows, attend something. Don’t dull yourself this September.

Here, we’ve curated a list of some fun events in Lagos has to offer and highlight all the important information you may need. You’ll also find a list of hotels close to each of the venues in case you want to attend and you are coming from out of town or you just want to rest overnight before jetting back home.

If there’s any event happening this month that we missed,  just let us know in the comment section.

1. Lagos Comic Convention 2017 (COMIC CON17)

Venue: NECA House, Plot 2A, Hakeem Balogun Street, Central Business District, Alausa, Ikeja

Date: September 15 – 16  2017
Time: 9:00 am – 6:00 pm
Ticket price: Free

This one is for all the nerds and comic book lovers out there in Lagos. This is one social event you don’t want to miss.  

The Lagos Comic Convention is more than just comics actually, there will also be animation, film, game and VR exhibits. Prepare to participate in the CosPlay competition with the first prize of N150,000. There will even be a little something for the children at the KidZone which will be a haven for kid-friendly creative workshops, films, and games. The FIST Awards for the best in the comic arts will also be held at the convention. There’s something for whatever secret nerd interest you have.

All play and no work isn’t a great balance, so ComicCon17 is hosting seminars and panel sessions on relevant topics as well.

Entrance is FREE but you can purchase a partnership ticket to enjoy some extra perks. The tickets cost N1000, N3000 and N5000 with different benefits attached.

Hotels Nearby
De Renaissance Hotel
Best Western Hotel, Ikeja
Ostra Hotel
Protea Hotel Select Ikeja

There are several other cheap hotels in Ikeja.

2. The Hangout- For singles of All ages

Venue: Pistis Conference Centre, 1 Elevation/Resurrection Drive , Lekki- Epe Expressway Lagos
Date: September 16, 2017

Time: 10:00 am – 2:00 pm
Tickets: Free

Who says you can’t have fun and keep things clean? The Hangout is going to prove all those people wrong. Get ready to join Fela Durotoye, Godman Akinlabi, Bola Akinlabi, Joy Isa, Yemi Popoola, Meka Olowola and enjoy with music by EBEN.

Prepare to be relaxed and mingle with other single pringles. You would also get the chance to ask your mentors -in the areas of leadership, money, looove and other things- tough and down-to-earth questions.

The event is free but you have to register to save a seat. You can do so here.

Hotels Nearby
Orchid Hotel Lekki
Limeridge Hotel
Sweet Life Home

There are several other cheap hotels in lekki phase 1

3. XTREME LIVE-The Funny Flight

Venue: Muson Centre, Ikoyi
Date: September 17, 2017
Time: From 4:00 pm
Tickets: From N5000

If you like to laugh and you want to laugh on a small budget, you should board this flight. Xtreme Live is a live comedy satire featuring Alibaba, Falz, Kennyblaq, Frank Donga, Owen Gee, Dan D Humorous, Klint-D-Drunk, Skales, Yaw, Orezi, Memory Card, Klintoncod, De Don, Koker, MC Tagwaye (Buhari), Mr. Hyenana and others.

Mark your calendar, you don’t want to miss it.

Hotels Nearby
The George Hotel Ikoyi
Westwood Hotel Ikoyi
Wheatbaker Hotel

There are several other cheap hotels in ikoyi

4. Lagos Fashion 2017

Venue: Plot 1415. Adetokunbo Plot Ademola Street. Victoria Island, Lagos, Nigeria
Date: September 19, 2017 – September 21, 2017
Time: 10:00 am – 6:00 pm
Tickets: Free

Well, all know that Lagos is the fashion capital of Nigeria so this event is definitely warranted. The Lagos Fashion 2017 is a 2-day event being held to showcase products from clothing, cosmetics jewelry, textile, lifestyle and bridal fashion industries in Nigeria.

The major products that will be displayed at the event will include women’s wear,  men’s wear, kid’s wear, knit wear, sports wear, beach wear, lingerie, evening wear, fashion accessories, bags, shoes, and others.

If you are a clothes hog or you just like to look at pretty things on pretty people, this is the event for you.

Hotels Nearby
Beni Gold Hotel
Victoria Crown Plaza Hotel
Blowfish Hotel
Intercontinental Hotel Lagos

There are several other cheap hotels in Victoria Island in you are looking for a good deal.

5. Made In Nigeria Shoe Expo MINSE 3.0

Venue: Ikeja
Date: September 27 – 29, 2017
Time: from 09:30 AM

It’s time for us to #buynigeriantogrownigeria. It’s never a bad time to support our local businesses because a win for them is a win for our economy. The Made In Nigeria Shoe Expo (MINSE) is an annual footwear and leather fair. The first edition of this year held in Abuja, it is now Lagos’ turn to shine. With over 50 exhibitors and brands,  the shoe expo should be a good place to find any time of footwear. Even for those of us with big feet.

In addition to the exhibitions, Special Master classes would be held and cover topics on ranging from business strategy and tips on leather production. So you won’t just be emptying your pockets, you can enrich your mind as well.

Hotels Nearby
Shoregate Hotel
Apartment Royale Hotel and Suites
City View Hotel

There are several other cheap hotels in Ikeja GRA that are easily accessible to the expo ground

Ajebutter vs Danfo: An Ugotalksalot Lagos City Guide

There comes a time in every Ajebutter’s life when you have to realize that uber is not a sustainable lifestyle and your parents and their drivers will not be there to save you from Lagos. I don’t know about you sha, maybe your own Ajebutter is different, but my reality has been checked. I’m now one of them.  Omo ni ile. Daughter of the soil. No bus stop or Danfo driver can gainsay me.

It’s funny when I think only a few years back.  My uncle used to tell me that I need to learn to get around in Lagos.  I was like Nah, I’m not going to be in this country by the time I graduate. LOL! I can imagine God was just looking at me then. Like, see this one.

So yes, I had to figure it out. By fire and by force. It is only by the grace of God that they didn’t announce me as missing on NTA. I would have been doomed because who watches NTA anyways?

I’m a really nice person you know, and I can’t bear to leave you to suffer the way I did. So let me give you a quick run down about what you need to know about public transportation in Lagos. So here are 5 easy and crucial tips to staying sane in Lagos Danfo buses.

 

1.When is the best time to go out by public transportation in Lagos?

Never! There is never a good time brother or sister Ajebutter.  Just put your butter in your front pocket (if you put it in the back pocket, they will steal it) and enter the bus.

Danfo buses are especially annoying in the dry season. You know why? People stink.  Like literally, there’s no number of face masks that can save you.  And no you can not wear a face mask.  Where do you think you are?

The worst thing that can happen during the dry season is if you happen to sit by the door, where the conductor is hanging from.  The way breeze will blow fresh body odour into your nose.  I’m telling you, you eyes will water.  

Oooh but that might actually not be so bad. I once sat down in between two market women. One was carrying this potent smelling dry fish in her laps, the other was fat and sweating and smelled like a wet rag.  Which way would you turn your nose? Up?

Don’t get me wrong. Danfo in the rainy season is just as bad.  Just less smelly.  God bless you, you enter a bus with a leaky roof or windows that don’t close. You might as well just walk in the rain.

I wish I could deliver some good news here, this is the reality.  If you are entering danfo, there’s no silver lining.

2. Prepare to Usain Bolt

chicken runningSo you think that you will stroll to a bus stop, wave your hand and a chariot will arrive in front of you and stairs will be provided for you to climb on.  Please I actually want you to try it and let me know how long people take to laugh at you.

My friend, you better run like your life depends on it.  If you fall down, get back up and keep running.  

Run with sense sha. Because if you fall, the conductor will not stop to tell you sorry. He might even insult you on top.   One time, I was rushing to enter a bus and I tripped into a deep puddle of water. By the time I eventually got into the bus -after staining my white wash jeans- the conductor told me “Omo mommy,  Owo Mi da” meaning “mom’s girl, where’s my money”. This puddle incident brings me to my next tip.

3. Don’t wear any clothes you care about

Celebrity clothingUnless you are not averse to crying in public, wear only absolute rags.  All maybe well, till you get on the chair and a nail rips your clothes.

If you are thinking of going out, slaying in with your face beat and looking glam, don’t.  Don’t do it. Take an uber or stay at home.  If it’s hot, you will sweat all over yourself.  If it’s raining, the rain will sweat all over you.

Seriously, you have been warned.  I can’t tell you how many clothes I’ve lost to this Danfo hustle. Always remember to look at the seat before sit down.  Don’t touch anything you are unsure of.  I’ve sat on shit before.  Not even exaggerating. Real human faeces.

 

4 Don’t just walk the walk, talk the talk

lagos pedestriansYou can also call this part “Danfo etiquette and the Yoruba language” because yes, there’s a certain composure expected of you in the chaotic danfo situation.

First of all, you must remember that danfo bus conductors simple do not have the time to pronounce the name of your bus stop in full.  Don’t expect to hear Oshodi, Jibowu, Ikeja, Mile 12, Eko Hotel or Bar Beach. There are abbrev-ed pronunciations,  no bus stop with more than 4 consonants is pronounced fully.  So prepare your ears for Oshod’, Jibo’, ‘keja, My 12, Onipa’, Eko’otel and Ba’bish.

You also expected to learn Yoruba.  And learn it well. Because the conductor will not ask you any question in English. I mean, you are in Lagos, so you HAVE to learn the language, or die trying. The closest alternative to Yoruba is pidgin and my dear if they speak pidgin to you, you better speak pidgin back, okay? It’s simple etiquette.

This should go without saying, but let me just say it: there is no room for British accents and all that wanna-gonna stuff inside the yellow and black sardine cans.  The one is for your uber driver.  In fact,  keep your interaction with the driver and conditional to a 3 sentences minimum.  All you need to talk about is where you’re going, how much your change is and where you are coming down.  That’s all.  If you wanna have a chit chat, you are gonna be met with a lot of confused stares.

Because I’m so nice, I’ve prepared a few phrases and words you will need to learn. So here you go;

The Danfo bus lexicon

  • Owo da leyin – Because you are seating at the back, your name is now leyin.  Please give the conductor his money.
  • Owo da waju – You are seating in front, your name is now iwaju. Give the conductor his money to avoid quarrel.
  • E bami sumo – Please move your behind to the left corner so another person can squeeze beside you.
  • O wa – Your bus stop is in sight. Shout this loudly, or enjoy a tour of Lagos.
  • O wole – I’m getting into the bus, please match brake
  • O bole – I want to come down and I can not fly, so please match brake
  • Waso – 50 naira

 

5 May your ears rest in peace

Not a fan of loud noises?  Well, you will be tried and tested in these danfo streets.  God bless you, you enter one of those ones that backfire. Ha! Your eardrums will be a distant memory.  

Even if the bus is in top condition, guess what, your bus driver is a Pasuma fan… Or whatever fuji rubbish they’re listening to these days.  If that doesn’t happen, you’ll definitely get the traveling preacher or sales man, pedaling magic in a bottle for 100 naira.  The cure for cancer has been discovered in Lagos and it’s only 500 naira.  

Maybe, just maybe you don’t experience any of this. You will still get to those bus stops where touts are banging doors and breaking side mirrors all in the name of collecting 20 naira.

Make peace with it, you will loose all sense of hearing.

 

Other Tips to Remember

-Keep your 1000 naira at home: Hell hath no fury like a bus conductor presented with a 1000 naira note. If he doesn’t have any change, prepare for any eventuality.  You might find yourself walking on an expressway. Or the conductor will “marry” you with another 1000 naira wielder, go and consummate the union.

– When you are approaching your bus stop,  let the conductor know.  Say it loudly or it will be like rapture.  May you not be left behind.  

-Those fancy looking bus stops with their names on it,  they are merely suggestions. Most buses don’t stop there. Most of them are deserted.  Unless you are just looking for shade,  the real bus stop is usually another 5 minutes walk away from there.

-Stay woke: Never ever sleep in a danfo bus. If you do, you risk missing your bus stop,  losing your possessions and even some body parts.  

 

Adulting is hard: 5 things no one ever tells you about adulting

Good day Ladies and Gentlemen,
How has life been? Good? Well me too sha, I’m fine.. But not entirely. I’ve only been adulting for like two minutes now and I’m already tired. I miss those primary school days when we used to buy fan lolli for N20 and the mallam would cut it into 2 with scissors.

You spend all your life literally looking up at adults and saying, me too, ama be like that one day. Talking bout whe I  grow up, this, when I grow up, that. Little did you know that you were swearing for yourself. If you could take it back now, wouldn’t you rather be in primary 1 reciting your two times table?

You know adults are actually wicked. They teach you to walk and talk. They tell you to read your books, pass your exams and become successful. They buy you nice things when you get 1st position in class or take you out for ice cream when you make them proud. But never do they ever warn you about the danger ahead.

*CHILDREN BEWARE: ADULTING IS HARD*

images-7.jpeg
But no, for real, I can’t think of anything as evil as the conspiracy to trick all humanity into embracing adulthood. I mean, whose idea was it? I’m only asking for a friend. There are so many things I wish I had known on time. Maybe I would have stopped growing. But now it’s too late.
Here’s a terrifying list of things about adulting that no one ever told you. In descending order of “horrificness”.

5. All your first position and first class, is pure water.

images-5

The only other thing Nigeria parents always say, apart from “you cannot greet abi? “, is make sure you get first position or make sure you carry first class. Or the savage version “the people that have a 5.0 gpa, do they have two heads?”

So if you are like me, and you were hitting above average scores throughout your academic career, you graduated hoping that you would just manage small, and get a good job with your slightly-above-mediocre grades. But alas, no one if it matters.

At my current work place sef, they never asked me for my CV, talkless of my GPA. I’m just imagining, if I had joined those two headed people, and carried the scores of everyone in the class, by now I would be upset with life. Even if my colleagues are first class graduates, and we are earning the same peanuts together.

So I mean, if you haven’t graduated yet and you’re killing yourself over best graduating student, my advice is to relax your navz. You go dey alright.

This is Nigeria, we will all look for the jobs together, only for the politicians’ children to take it from us. Besiiiides, you are 99% not likely to use that your rubbish certificate anyways. You will wake up one morning and someone will say they are looking for ushers, social media managers or something any basic human being can quickly learn. Then, before you know it, that is your career. So no need to grow two heads.

4. The weekend is a what? A scam

So you go to work 5 days a week. For some of us, 6 days. The weekdays are so designed to having you anticipating a non-existent break.

You know what I mean. This is the way a typical week goes;
Mooooooooooooondaaaay
Tueeeeeeeeeeesdaaay
Wednesdaaaay
Thursday
Friyay!
Sat*blink*Sun
Mooooooooooooondaaaay

You will sit at that your office desk, dreaming of your turn up and weekend enjoyment, only to end up looking for sleep half the time. Me, I spend most of the weekend catching up on chores. And cooking!

As you lay your head to siesta on Sunday afternoon, just forget it, the next reality you will wake up to is you getting dressed for work and entering back into the madness.

3. Uncles and Aunties stop giving you money to buy fanta

images-4The greatest joy of my childhood was those times someone would come to visit my family in our house. Those visits were tedious. They would send you up and down; go and buy drinks for your visitors, fry prawn crackers, serve the food, present yourself as a responsible child, give them your sweat and blood. It was a lot of stress, but it always paid in the end.

Somewhere between when the guests get up from their seats and when they leave your house, they would reach into their pockets and bring out “money for sweet or Fanta” and discreetly place it in your hands.

I used to have this uncle that always gave me 2,000 naira in 20 naira notes. Those days when 20 naira was paper not polymer. Looking like Benjamins. I’d sit seriously and be counting my fortune in excitement.

But now, this same uncle… What does he do everytime he’s leaving after a visit? He smiles at me and says “..ah Princess, when will you be inviting us to eat party rice? That your bride price, me and your daddy will share it oh!”
Please sir, how does that one affect my account balance?

2.There is no holiday

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You go to school and study and write exams and go on holiday abi? So when you are suffering at least you know there’s enjoyment around the corner. But then imagine that you had to write exams everyday, for the rest of your life, without a course outline, or anyone teaching, without a break to look forward to.

That my friends, is adulthood.

There’s no summer break, no Christmas break, no mid term. It never goes off. “The school of life” is constantly in session. 366 days 24/7, till the day you die, you will continue to adult.
If you like, go on leave, or take whatever break, fall into a coma. When you open your eyes, adulting will be waiting for you.
It only gets worse as the time goes on.

1.You have to spend your own money

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I think the greatest shock for me was having to buy my birthday things with my own money. Like… no break? Even on my birthday?
For real, adulting has taught me to dream within my budget. Can’t be thinking about frivolous things like Chinese food, new clothes and random uncalled for dashing of money to professional beggars in the street. Even single 10 naira comes from your account.

Those days we used to scam our parents and collect money for “handouts”, “excursions” and “convocation dues”, loooong gone. If you ask my father for money now, he will remind you of the cost of your 16 years of education plus inflation. Before you get that money, you will sign an undertaking that states that you are a child and will hereby be treated as such. (Daddy, if you read this I’m exaggerating oh. Biko).

You know you are an adult when 10 naira debit alert in the name of “card maintenance” annoys the hell out of you. Like do these banks think we pluck money from trees?

Me that has been saving money for a new phone for so long. But every month, one thing or the other would come up and my akant would just be giving me side eye. It’s the same me that access bank is collecting 200 naira from every month. Isn’t that wickedness?

Worse still, you are no longer entitled to student discount at the cinema. That 500 naira you would have used to buy popcorn. They will make sure they collect it from you. If you are like me, you’ll sneak in 80 naira bottled water from Shoprite into the theatre. Drink that one and dey alright.

If you’re reading this and you haven’t started adulting yet, please take it from me, stay in school kid.

This stuff we call “LOVE”

I’m what you would call a natural overthinker and over planner. If I want to get something done, I’m rather precise. I’ll gather all the available information and strategize using my personal algorithm (which is patent protected), taking into account the easiest and most convenient way, the benchmark outcome that would be regarded as successful as well as the potency of my wallet. If you’ve ever worked on a project with me, I’m sure we’re no longer friends because I annoyed the hell out of you.

So with all this information about my planning compulsion, you can imagine how terrifying life is for me.

When I was in secondary school, SS1, I made this plan for my life.
1) Don’t date in secondary school
2) Study International Relations
3) Date in my second year of university
4) Break up with him before my final year
5) Meet someone else and start a long term friendship leading to a relationship
6) Graduate
7) Masters
8) Marry before 26

The list is up 12 but I can’t be sharing too much, I don’t know you like that
Anyways, somewhere between numbers 4 and 5, my plans began to fall apart and I’ve not been able to get things in order. I was dreaming of some Hollywood best friends romance but I’m realizing now that I haven’t even known what love actually feels like yet.

So if you’re like me (I only speak for girls because I have no idea what guys have to deal with), you probably began to receive the “when you get to your husband’s house” talk from your final year. And the moment (I mean literally the moment) when you graduated, you mom would have said something along the lines of “Next thing I will be celebrating your wedding”. So I’ve had enough time to pity my single condition.

Oh I know what you’re thinking, this is probably one of those woe-is-me,I’m-single posts again. But you’re wrong. I’m going through phases of accepting that God is keeping me single to teach me about what love really is.

I’ll admit I’ve struggled for a while. Going from self loathing; Like what’s wrong with me, why does none want me, to projected hate for all them twitter couples, to transferring aggression to the male species, which I will opening admit now; are not 100% scum. Maybe like 98.99%.

But a thought has recently struck me and I really want to share it. Have you asked yourself, am I dating/ looking for a relationship for the right reasons? I don’t even mean marriage now. Like why do you want to be part of someone’s life. Why do you want to mean so much to someone. Do you even know what love is? Are you capable of love? Or are you just enjoying the moment and the feelings and the physical intimacy. Why do you do it? Are you loving right?

Is your love patient? Or kind? Is your love a giving love? Does your love put your partner above yourself? Does your love seek to make him/her happy and truly know him/her?

Or does your love take? Does it make demands or feel entitled?
Do you know how to love?
Does our generation ever even remember 1 Corinthians 13 as we carry on with our self interests?

Maybe I’m delirious because of loneliness. Or maybe I have too much time on my hands to think about this things. But I’m single, so I have the time to fix myself till the next emotional roller coaster ride comes along. And maybe I’ll learn how to do it right. This thing called love.

Know Someone Who’s Suicidal? Take Our Quiz To Find Out

First, we’re not medical experts, but considering the sad event of yesterday, we think it’s our responsibility to put out as much information on mental health as we can.

Incase you relocated to a the buttocks of a rock, a young doctor jumped off 3rd Mainland Bridge yesterday afternoon, and it’s left most of us in a very introspective and sober mood.

So here’s our poll.

Let’s be real

I’m done.

It’s over

I can’t do this anymore

Goodbye you scum.  See you never.

But baby, what’s wrong?  Tell me

Whatever it is I’ll fix it

Don’t leave me

 

I’m tired of your lies

I’m tired of your games

I’m done.  I’m leaving

And let’s be real here

You don’t deserve me

 

But I’m sorry

Darling I love you

I can’t be without you

I’ll change I mean it

Whatever it is I’ll do it

 

You’ll change?

Yes I will

You’ll get your life together ?

You’ll treat me with respect ?

You’ll put the alcoholism to rest?

You will?

 

Yes I will.

I’m done.  I’ll stop

Nothing is worth losing you

I love you

Don’t go

 

Well, now that you’ve put it that way

How could I not stay?

Unless of course, I’ve heard it all before

You worthless piece of shit

I’m not falling for it anymore

Let’s be real

You’ll never change

And I’ll be the one hurting

So I’m done

I’m leaving

 

It’s over

No baby please

I’m done

I’ll do anything

I’m leaving

Don’t go

Delete my number

Ada no…

Forget my name

I wish I’d never met you

But since I have, I’ll be real.

I know I’ll never be the same

 

 

 

Partly inspired by Toke Makinwa’s “On Becoming”

Do you still love me?

A letter of fear, shame & a tortured heart

*****

Hey baby,

I’m sorry about last night. I love you too.  I want to spend the rest of my life with you.  I just panicked when I saw the ring.  I know you meant every word you said while you were down on one knee.  And I really truly feel those things too, I just freaked because I love you but I haven’t told you everything.

You see there’s this huge secret I’ve been keeping.  And as much as I want to be yours forever, it wouldn’t be fair to you if I said yes. You’ve loved me and all my baggage. I’ve always wanted to tell you. From the first day we kissed I wanted to tell you.  But I was scared that you wouldn’t want me.  I was scared that you would run.

Baby, the truth is I’m sick. And I have been for quite some time.  And it’s not curable; if you want me forever then you’re agreeing to deal with this forever.

It started when I was 12. One day at my school assembly, my legs buckled. I lost control of my body.  I lost control of my mind.  One moment I was standing at attention and singing the anthem, the next moment I’m rolling around in the dirt and scream and shaking and crying.  I lost consciousness that day but I never forgot it.

Moments later, I woke up in the sick bay and I had turned into a circus act. I opened my eyes and met many eyes staring at me. None of these eyes held worry, none of them held concern.  The nurses and the teachers and students, they all started at me with a mixture of fear and condemnation. That morning I had woken up a normal prepubescent happy healthy child, but by noon I was a freak.

The school authorities had me sent home. I tried to explain what happened to my parents.  But how could I put into words what I couldn’t understand?  For weeks after that day, I had tremors in my hands.  I had trouble breathing. Trouble sleeping. Trouble thinking.  I was afraid that I might have another episode and I was filled with anxiety trying to prevent it.  Trying to prevent something I didn’t understand the cause of.

My parents took to see doctor after doctor.  I took test upon test.  There was x-raying and blood taking .At one point I got hooked up this machine: the one they show in the movies where they stick wires in the head of the lunatic. I sat in my chair, with wires in my head, trying to remember what my mind was like before. Trying to trick the machine to believe I was well.

But yeah, that didn’t work.

They called it a seizure disorder. Epileptic seizure disorder.

My parents prayed and prayed. They called pastor after pastor. Hands layed on my head.  They shook me till my head nearly came off its socket. I kept having attack after attack.  Triggered by nothing at all.  Lasting sometimes as long as 30 minutes. Then after the attack was the after shock tremors and tossing in my sleep.

My life changed when I was 12, and really I haven’t recovered from that.

I never went back to that school again.

But still, I suffered this stigma.  No matter how many schools I went through, I’d have an episode and people would see me differently.  They’d whisper names like Ogbanje, witch, some said I was possessed. Once I had a crush on this guy and he embarrassed me in front of my class. He yelled “Don’t come near me, I don’t want that thing that you have ” and the class burst into fits of laughter.

In all honesty though, what scared me the most wasn’t what outsiders said. It was my parents. It was how they said “This thing is an attack from the devil and we will fight it” and they said I needed to have faith or I would never be healed. They refused to buy me medication for a very long time. The problem was me, I didn’t have enough faith. I didn’t pray hard enough. I didn’t mediate on healing scriptures well enough.  But I did. I prayed my heart out. Many times I’d be praying in church and I’d breakdown in tears. But somewhere along the line, I did accept it as my testimony. I would live with this thing and still succeed. And when I tell my story it would amaze the world.

 

As I grew older, something became less severe. It never went away though. Somewhere along the way, I was rediagnosed with an anxiety disorder.  They believed my condition had evolved somehow. It had become more predictable, more manageable. To be honest, I don’t believe Nigerian doctors. I still intend on having myself examined when I have money for specialist doctors.

So by my university years, I could feel an episode before it started and I would go and hide and wait till it passed. Few people ever saw me have an episode. But I carried my scars with me.

I told no one. And those who happened to see me, I gave explanations that would satisfy their curiosity but never the full story.

I found it hard to make any real connection with anyone.  My condition, it coloured all my friendships and all my relationships. So I stopped telling people and I’ve never wanted to tell anyone till I met you.  But I was afraid

So I told myself, I’d see if things got serious before I said anything. And even when things between us progressed as it did, I kept putting it off telling you.  Because I was afraid.

I AM afraid.

And I’m sorry it took me so long to tell you this. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me.  I want to be yours forever.

I want to wake up to you everyday.

But I couldn’t say yes when I had this baggage I hadn’t shared.

I’m sorry baby. I’m so sorry.

Do you still want me?

Do you still love me?

*********

Dedicated to all those who suffer silently. All those whose scars are invisible. You are not alone. And you will find happiness

And when the time comes, you scars won’t be signs of weaknesses.

Your scars will be your strength