Good day Ladies and Gentlemen,
How has life been? Good? Well me too sha, I’m fine.. But not entirely. I’ve only been adulting for like two minutes now and I’m already tired. I miss those primary school days when we used to buy fan lolli for N20 and the mallam would cut it into 2 with scissors.
You spend all your life literally looking up at adults and saying, me too, ama be like that one day. Talking bout whe I grow up, this, when I grow up, that. Little did you know that you were swearing for yourself. If you could take it back now, wouldn’t you rather be in primary 1 reciting your two times table?
You know adults are actually wicked. They teach you to walk and talk. They tell you to read your books, pass your exams and become successful. They buy you nice things when you get 1st position in class or take you out for ice cream when you make them proud. But never do they ever warn you about the danger ahead.
*CHILDREN BEWARE: ADULTING IS HARD*
But no, for real, I can’t think of anything as evil as the conspiracy to trick all humanity into embracing adulthood. I mean, whose idea was it? I’m only asking for a friend. There are so many things I wish I had known on time. Maybe I would have stopped growing. But now it’s too late.
Here’s a terrifying list of things about adulting that no one ever told you. In descending order of “horrificness”.
5. All your first position and first class, is pure water.
The only other thing Nigeria parents always say, apart from “you cannot greet abi? “, is make sure you get first position or make sure you carry first class. Or the savage version “the people that have a 5.0 gpa, do they have two heads?”
So if you are like me, and you were hitting above average scores throughout your academic career, you graduated hoping that you would just manage small, and get a good job with your slightly-above-mediocre grades. But alas, no one if it matters.
At my current work place sef, they never asked me for my CV, talkless of my GPA. I’m just imagining, if I had joined those two headed people, and carried the scores of everyone in the class, by now I would be upset with life. Even if my colleagues are first class graduates, and we are earning the same peanuts together.
So I mean, if you haven’t graduated yet and you’re killing yourself over best graduating student, my advice is to relax your navz. You go dey alright.
This is Nigeria, we will all look for the jobs together, only for the politicians’ children to take it from us. Besiiiides, you are 99% not likely to use that your rubbish certificate anyways. You will wake up one morning and someone will say they are looking for ushers, social media managers or something any basic human being can quickly learn. Then, before you know it, that is your career. So no need to grow two heads.
4. The weekend is a what? A scam
So you go to work 5 days a week. For some of us, 6 days. The weekdays are so designed to having you anticipating a non-existent break.
You know what I mean. This is the way a typical week goes;
You will sit at that your office desk, dreaming of your turn up and weekend enjoyment, only to end up looking for sleep half the time. Me, I spend most of the weekend catching up on chores. And cooking!
As you lay your head to siesta on Sunday afternoon, just forget it, the next reality you will wake up to is you getting dressed for work and entering back into the madness.
3. Uncles and Aunties stop giving you money to buy fanta
The greatest joy of my childhood was those times someone would come to visit my family in our house. Those visits were tedious. They would send you up and down; go and buy drinks for your visitors, fry prawn crackers, serve the food, present yourself as a responsible child, give them your sweat and blood. It was a lot of stress, but it always paid in the end.
Somewhere between when the guests get up from their seats and when they leave your house, they would reach into their pockets and bring out “money for sweet or Fanta” and discreetly place it in your hands.
I used to have this uncle that always gave me 2,000 naira in 20 naira notes. Those days when 20 naira was paper not polymer. Looking like Benjamins. I’d sit seriously and be counting my fortune in excitement.
But now, this same uncle… What does he do everytime he’s leaving after a visit? He smiles at me and says “..ah Princess, when will you be inviting us to eat party rice? That your bride price, me and your daddy will share it oh!”
Please sir, how does that one affect my account balance?
2.There is no holiday
You go to school and study and write exams and go on holiday abi? So when you are suffering at least you know there’s enjoyment around the corner. But then imagine that you had to write exams everyday, for the rest of your life, without a course outline, or anyone teaching, without a break to look forward to.
That my friends, is adulthood.
There’s no summer break, no Christmas break, no mid term. It never goes off. “The school of life” is constantly in session. 366 days 24/7, till the day you die, you will continue to adult.
If you like, go on leave, or take whatever break, fall into a coma. When you open your eyes, adulting will be waiting for you.
It only gets worse as the time goes on.
1.You have to spend your own money
I think the greatest shock for me was having to buy my birthday things with my own money. Like… no break? Even on my birthday?
For real, adulting has taught me to dream within my budget. Can’t be thinking about frivolous things like Chinese food, new clothes and random uncalled for dashing of money to professional beggars in the street. Even single 10 naira comes from your account.
Those days we used to scam our parents and collect money for “handouts”, “excursions” and “convocation dues”, loooong gone. If you ask my father for money now, he will remind you of the cost of your 16 years of education plus inflation. Before you get that money, you will sign an undertaking that states that you are a child and will hereby be treated as such. (Daddy, if you read this I’m exaggerating oh. Biko).
You know you are an adult when 10 naira debit alert in the name of “card maintenance” annoys the hell out of you. Like do these banks think we pluck money from trees?
Me that has been saving money for a new phone for so long. But every month, one thing or the other would come up and my akant would just be giving me side eye. It’s the same me that access bank is collecting 200 naira from every month. Isn’t that wickedness?
Worse still, you are no longer entitled to student discount at the cinema. That 500 naira you would have used to buy popcorn. They will make sure they collect it from you. If you are like me, you’ll sneak in 80 naira bottled water from Shoprite into the theatre. Drink that one and dey alright.
If you’re reading this and you haven’t started adulting yet, please take it from me, stay in school kid.