I’m what you would call a natural overthinker and over planner. If I want to get something done, I’m rather precise. I’ll gather all the available information and strategize using my personal algorithm (which is patent protected), taking into account the easiest and most convenient way, the benchmark outcome that would be regarded as successful as well as the potency of my wallet. If you’ve ever worked on a project with me, I’m sure we’re no longer friends because I annoyed the hell out of you.
So with all this information about my planning compulsion, you can imagine how terrifying life is for me.
When I was in secondary school, SS1, I made this plan for my life.
1) Don’t date in secondary school
2) Study International Relations
3) Date in my second year of university
4) Break up with him before my final year
5) Meet someone else and start a long term friendship leading to a relationship
8) Marry before 26
The list is up 12 but I can’t be sharing too much, I don’t know you like that
Anyways, somewhere between numbers 4 and 5, my plans began to fall apart and I’ve not been able to get things in order. I was dreaming of some Hollywood best friends romance but I’m realizing now that I haven’t even known what love actually feels like yet.
So if you’re like me (I only speak for girls because I have no idea what guys have to deal with), you probably began to receive the “when you get to your husband’s house” talk from your final year. And the moment (I mean literally the moment) when you graduated, you mom would have said something along the lines of “Next thing I will be celebrating your wedding”. So I’ve had enough time to pity my single condition.
Oh I know what you’re thinking, this is probably one of those woe-is-me,I’m-single posts again. But you’re wrong. I’m going through phases of accepting that God is keeping me single to teach me about what love really is.
I’ll admit I’ve struggled for a while. Going from self loathing; Like what’s wrong with me, why does none want me, to projected hate for all them twitter couples, to transferring aggression to the male species, which I will opening admit now; are not 100% scum. Maybe like 98.99%.
But a thought has recently struck me and I really want to share it. Have you asked yourself, am I dating/ looking for a relationship for the right reasons? I don’t even mean marriage now. Like why do you want to be part of someone’s life. Why do you want to mean so much to someone. Do you even know what love is? Are you capable of love? Or are you just enjoying the moment and the feelings and the physical intimacy. Why do you do it? Are you loving right?
Is your love patient? Or kind? Is your love a giving love? Does your love put your partner above yourself? Does your love seek to make him/her happy and truly know him/her?
Or does your love take? Does it make demands or feel entitled?
Do you know how to love?
Does our generation ever even remember 1 Corinthians 13 as we carry on with our self interests?
Maybe I’m delirious because of loneliness. Or maybe I have too much time on my hands to think about this things. But I’m single, so I have the time to fix myself till the next emotional roller coaster ride comes along. And maybe I’ll learn how to do it right. This thing called love.