All aboard the SS No Photo

One of the first memories I can recall was at a relatives wedding when I was probably not more than 4 years old. I was one of the little girls on the train. Wearing as much makeup as was acceptable in the early 2000s for a toddler. With my hair all gelled up and you know… Telephone wire on fleek.

I remember everything was fine till they gathered the wedding party together and said “Say cheese”. I suddenly became really grumpy and whiny.
“Mommy, I want to wee wee”
No wait, smile nau.
“I want ice cream”
This girl, behave yourself.

So I proceeded to ‘squeeze face’ through out the whole thing.
I’ve actually gone to look back at a lot of my toddler pictures, I’m either turning my face away, making terrible faces or wearing a very forced and pathetic smile. And you know, it’s not really a problem when you are a toddler in 2002 and you only have to take pictures at special occasions given the chance that you are lucky to find a  photographer. It’s all well and dandy but then we arrive at 2016…

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LITTLE ME WITH THE FUNNY FACES

It’s like eeeeeeveryone in my generation enrolled a special selfie-taking, camera-posing training course before we came to earth from heaven while me I was busy learning how to find obscure music and form a lopsided smile.

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Constantly posing for Close Up

I buy a new amazing looking dress and wear make up that would make Ghunu proud but no one knows about it. Because I can’t show it. Because if I take a picture my greek nose turns arrow like and my smile is too exaggerated. Or my posture is too awkward.

Every day people say things like, “have you ever considered modeling?”, “you could be a pageant queen”. I just smile because people don’t seem to understand. The cameras of the current era have not attained the level of sophistication to capture the essence of the Princess of No Kingdom. Maybe once in a blue moon, the light hits my face at an angle that permits the masses to partially glimpse the glory of my aura. But you know what the thing about blue moons, extremely rare.

 

It’s all the more glaring when you people and you constant obsession with photographing every little moment. Omg, I woke up in the morning *snap*. My friends came to see me *snap*. I went out to buy food *snap* I got a new haircut *snap*. Yes we know you travelled abroad and you have an iPhone 7x and that you have a girlfriend that looks like Megan Fox. We have heard enh… It’s okay.

This last week was torture for someone like me. See me really trying to induce blue moon for 7 days straight. But who am I? I am not God I can not control the lights of the world. I nded up getting really really tired, to the point that I actually went to hide for fear that I would impale the next person that said “Can we take a picture together”

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Spot the beast

Oh really?, so you can look like beauty beside the beast? You people are very wicked, you’ll still post the picture even though it spoils my market. God bless you, be on your way.

At this point, I am very aware that there’s not much I can do for myself. The only hope I have is in early detection of this disease in my children.

Key.

Till then, don’t be angry if I use one avatar for 6 months, I’m just waiting on that darn blue moon; I only pray that it shines on my wedding day.

 

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