I’m scared of growing up, of taking more responsibilities and taking more difficult decisions. I wasn’t always this scared, in fact I wanted to grow up, to be seen and treated as an adult and not a teenager. Looking back now, I wonder what I was thinking.
I’m scared of getting married, of marrying the wrong person and living in hell sweet hell. I don’t want my marriage to be the intercessory prayer of my family friends and pastor. Even worse I’m scared I’ll be that incompatible, stupid and unfaithful spouse. I’m a man after all, as the women say it’s in our nature to cheat. I’m afraid I’ll wake up one day and realise I’ve become a real ‘man’.
I’m terrified of having kids, of telling them to grow up on the words I said and not the things I did. I’m terrified that they will copy my weaknesses and my strengths won’t reflect in their lives. I don’t want to raise my voice too loudly or keep it mute. I don’t want to lie to my kids, or have to explain how “it’s complicated” because I don’t want them to see their mother and I tear the only world they know bit by bit.
Most of all, I’m horrified by the prospect of being left behind. I don’t want to be that classmate that everyone thinks of when they say “my mates can’t stand with me today.” I don’t want to be the shooting star that was shot down, the promising young man that was never fulfilled or the potential that never overcame inertia. I’m scared that one day I won’t be able to pick up the phone and call a friend without asking myself “see my life how did I get here?”
I don’t want to mess up the only life I’ve got, I’m scared that I just might but I can’t just give up? I most certainly can’t. But it doesn’t mean, I’m not scared.