There’s a Rumble in My Tummy

Images are not mine.

I’m done with University exams. Well technically there’s still the matter of some courses that are about aptitude development but you get the picture.

Anyway, I’m happy because now I’d have more time to write, I’ve been really inconsistent of late and I want to apologise because it’s not in my nature.

Let’s go to the real reason I’m writing this. It’s a really long story but I’m going to cut out some parts. A few weeks ago I was in a meeting and really felt the need to use the toilet. Not the junior one, the senior one. Truthfully, by the way my stomach was aching me I guessed it was a really senior one.

I didn’t have much time because I had TTG (a course that’s a serious requirement for graduating in my school) as soon as my meeting ended. So I rushed to the toilet, cleaned it and really pimped the toilet seat like I was going to have some ceremony, because I’m not big on having some bumbum infection. Mind you I’m doing this frantically because the toilet waits for no man.

Finally I settle down and I’m expecting a loud banging sound followed by intense spluttering, like the kind in US movies where they throw a flash bang and exchange rapid fire. Instead I get complete radio silence. I’m sitting in the toilet doing my best male impression of a delivery room, I mean hands against the wall, pushing real hard and pleading the blood of Jesus under my breath and still nothing.

Eventually I get frustrated and leave the toilet, my stomach still indicating that it has great wealth to deposit. I end up using returning to the toilet and following the same routine up to 5 times in about 20 minutes. At this point I’m genuinely scared because the pain is getting unbearable, my right leg is slowly going numb and I’m wondering if this has anything to do with my appendix, which by the way hasn’t given me any problem, ever.

I ended up asking my friend Tokoni, to take me out of the TTG class to the health centre. When we get there, there’s only one doctor on call, they’re having slight difficulties finding my medical file, my stomach feels like it’s going to rupture and Tokoni who I brought to keep me company is dozing like a dead man. I suddenly remember he just got back from representing the school in the US and jet lag must still be chasing him. Also I keep wandering in and out of the toilet and I had lost count of the amount of times I’ve been in and out of the toilet without hearing the flash bangs and rapid gun fire.

Eventually the doctor does attend to me, he rubs my stomach and asks me where the pain is and I’m in so much pain I have no idea where it actually is. When I tell him the last time I ate, his initial diagnosis goes from food poisoning to constipation caused by intestinal blockage. I’m in too much pain to care right now.

He gives me a pain killer and a sedative and keeps me overnight for observation. Let me just say, I don’t know what was in that pain killer but I was on cloud 9! Problem was, in my euphoria I took off my wristwatch and couldn’t seem to put it back on. My fingers were doing their own thing. It was like using a rubber band to push something, I’d jab my hand against the watch and my fingers would just crumble.

Anyway, in a few hours I’m rudely awakened because the pain killer had worn off. Even worse there’s still no flash bang and rapid gun fire. By now I think an atomic bomb type explosion was more what I was needing in my middle belt.

A short while after this, the weirdest thing happens. The doctor comes and gives me a plastic bullet. I mean it looks like a real bullet except it’s translucent and soft. He says I should insert it in my anus. I wanted to tell the doctor that I needed bullets flying out of my butt, not bullets going in! Apparently, it’s a laxative.

Let me just pause and say that,

That thing was PAINFUL!

 And

I wish I took a picture of Princess of no Nation’s face when I told her about the bullet. Apparently she had heard of the fable of the plastic bullet.

Anywho, this is already becoming really long, the most important thing is I’m kind off fine now, it took just the bullet and two bottles of yoghourt to do the trick and I’ve probably used more tissue paper since January till now than I did in the entire 2015 but that’s another story that starts with Princess of no Nation diagnosing me with I.B.S (Irritable bowel syndrome).

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