Adulting Is A Scam 

The older I get, the more I realise that holidays as a child were probably some of the best times of my life. I had absolutely nothing to fear whether it’s the dwindling economy or the fear of armed robbers one day busting into the house. My greatest fear as a child was probably breaking a plate or even worse a glass cup. I was so traumatised by that fear for whatever reason that even till today, I instinctively think I’ll get flogged if a ceramic plate decides to leave my hand and jump to the floor.

Let it be known that the last time I had a birthday cake that didn’t have one problem or the other was the day that picture was taken. 

I lived for toys. I had a huge sesame street car, my personal Hercules, those tiny soldiers everyone had and tens of other toys age has since deleted from my memory (everything was huge when I was a child, it’s as if now, everything has grown smaller). My favourite toy was a microphone, with my microphone I could be whatever I wanted to be, which most times was a pastor and my sister the sole living congregation (since our combined battalions of toys don’t count).

The only other thing that could tear me away from my toys were cartoons. What kid doesn’t love a good cartoon? Before DSTV took over the airwaves at my house, cartoons like Voltron, Batman and Robin, Tom and Jerry, Scooby Doo, Superman and even Super book ruled the world. I remember tying my mums wrapper around my neck so many times flying around the house using my super powers. Today I wonder why I never used my super powers to stop NEPA from taking light in between my favourite cartoons.

DSTV brought new challenges. My inner demons were released from Hades. Once a light bulb blinked, it became a race of superhuman speed between my sister and I to get to the remote. If by a miracle our hands held the remote at the same time, all hell broke loose. I was always stronger than my sister, but her hands moved a lot faster, she would land three slaps across my face before I could do anything. Sometimes it was enough to give up, but when Megas XLR or Kids Next Door were on, the devil himself couldn’t stop me. I would fling my sister who is considerably heavier than me with strength that only Samurai Jack’s sword could give. And like Tom and Jerry, she would never give up.

You needed to see my sister and I fight, it was all the energy of UFC, drama of WWE and amateurishness of Courage the Cowardly Dog. Till now, I laugh when I hear people say watching TV isn’t good. Go on and do your personal motivation thing somewhere else, let me waste my life. I think I still owe a lot of my current desire for information to Cartoon Networks Time Squad.

I vaguely remember not knowing what shoe went on my left or right feet and feeling genuinely perplexed as to why the shoe suddenly didn’t fit. Don’t even get me started in shoe laces! Putting shoe laces on kids shoes is wicked! I could never figure out how everyone in my class got their who laces to stay still like Donald Trumps hair, while mine looked like poorly groomed dreadlocks. Thank God for my Dady who took it upon himself to save his son from this embarrassment. It would take me years of loosening and re-knotting the shoe laces to perfectly replicate my Dads knot.

Theses days, I wake up thinking about the falling exchange rate that I cannot control. Worrying about the level of fuel in the generator and when the gods of crude oil will deem us worthy to be blessed with another fuel scarcity. I think of my CGPA, I pray actually, that it won’t use me to dance Shoki. I think about the money in my bank account, or the absence of money in my bank account. I’m concerned that I eat too much, I sleep too much, I spend too much time on my bed. To think I actually wanted to grow up! I was so stupid! I miss the days I didn’t have a care in world.

Shoutout to Edwin Madu for inspiring this post.

Please if you see any typo, know I tried, but I’m only human. 


4 Replies to “Adulting Is A Scam ”

  1. I have been saying this for a long time.

    Lol, it finally hits you, Ugo. Welcome to adulthood. Wait till you start paying recurring bills, then you are in for a treat. In the meantime, keeplease growing up. It only gets better (sarcasm )


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