I think I’m socially awkward, or at least I find social activities quite awkward even when it’s with some of my best friends. I don’t know why this is and I guess I was born like this.
As a child, whenever my parents took my sister and I to birthday parties of friends or family members I usually spent the whole time hugging my mummy and crying like hell if someone managed to pry me away from her. When I got too old to spend hours at a stretch hugging my mummy (yes I still say mummy, deal with it), I would sit down quietly and allow my sister have conversations for both of us. This usually ended up in me not getting food at a lot of parties because I was essentially invisible. Hence, I hate parties, clubs and anything that requires loud music, conversation and body movement.
Nowadays I just miss a lot of people’s parties and give carefully crafted excuses, like I travelled, or there was traffic and sometimes, “I slept off”. It pisses a lot of people off but my true friends have gotten used to it, so much so that sometimes they don’t even bother inviting me.
The most awkward thing for me are the millions of conversations I have with the subconscious of people I want to talk to at these social gatherings. It starts with me occasionally glancing at their direction so they don’t think I’m staring, then I walk over in my mind and talk to them. There are usually many funny stories and laughs during this conversation (I’m not actually a tiny bit funny), while in reality I’m pretending to play with my phone, read a book or slowly drink a bottle of Fanta or Sprite or something else not good for my long term health (Who really cares when you have the black man blood).
The long term consequence of this is that I have no friend today that I was the one who initiated a conversation the first time we met. Actually, I no longer talk to the 10 people I started a conversation with. Also added to the fact that my default facial expression looks like I’m pissed, people think I’m a snub (which to some degree I guess I unintentionally am). Sadly, when people do start talking to me, I forget their names within the hour.
Anyway, I just wanted to apologize for my long and unwarranted absence from UTAL, it was due to powers beyond my control (that’s a lie), a journey to Imo state that I’ll share here shortly and my search for a girlfriend (that’s now officially over due to frustration) and other lies I can’t come up with at the moment.
Secondly, I just want to wish Tejiri Omologe Smart happy Birthday, long life that is many more years and many more friends.
*Goes to window to check if cake is here yet*