UGO’s STATE OF THE NATION ADDRESS
FIRST SOME RANDOM BANTS
Throughout the course of my few years here on the earth so far, I have considered trying to become the president of Nigeria at various times during puberty. While I am still young enough to fulfil that dream, for the moment, I am not interested. That being said, as The Resident Introverted-Talkative of the Federal Republic of Nigeria and also in the absence of a Presidential Cabinet, Harmonious and Functional National Assembly, or a simple quorum of state governors that can afford to pay salaries, I have taken it upon myself to deliver a state of the nation address.
THE ACTUAL ADDRESS
To my Fellow Nigerians, my dearest sympathies to those of you who have literally relied on manna from heaven for your daily meals. My heart is with you. To those of you who served this country in the civil service, regardless of how many hours you came to work, so far as you did, I am sorry that the government has refused or is unable to pay your pensions. We are praying that the God has been providing for you will continue to keep you, at least till our government gets back on its feet, and even after that, who knows?
To my elected national assembly members, GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR YASH!!!! We didn’t vote you to go to the national assembly and tear down this country because who you wanted to be in a particular position wasn’t put there. Let me be real with you. Nobody really wants you in the National Assembly. We would all have preferred to be in the national assembly earning your fat salaries and doing nothing besides releasing horribly written PR statements. But we clearly all didn’t get our wishes did we?
You’ve done nothing but render yourselves as a complete and collective nuisance to the federal republic. Since you have been sworn in, I have had series of epiphanies revealing the utmost uselessness of a bicameral legislature. I also wonder why you are actually paid salaries. You should be rendering a service and just collecting allowances while your kids’ education and your family’s medical bills are taking care of by free healthcare and education polices.
Unfortunately the only free things in Nigeria are a call from 419 or MTN telling you about some useless caller tune, and that in part is your fault. I suggest that you sit up to avoid a downsizing of the members of the national assembly by the Nigerian Government Working Committee of the National Assembly of Angry Nigerian People. (Just ask Mr Goodluck Jonathan how that went).
To State & Local Government, I have nothing to say to you people because it’s not your fault. It’s because we as a people have refused to put pressure on you. We have allowed you to depend on the federal government for so long that the bulk of your states have become parasites, eating everything and contributing nothing that wasn’t naturally given.
For those of you owing people, try not collecting your salary or allowance and let us know how you feel on the third day of your governmental fast. The sun in the north has not be harnessed for any solar energy purposes. Such energy could power this country if we play out cards right. The farmland in south east are still lands with weeds and a few vegetables. NEXT!
Lastly to Mr President, I choose to believe that you have our best interests at heart and you are taking time to organize and plan how we will meander this ship through the ravaging sea we find ourselves in. I just wish you would organize and plan a lot faster. Like A LOT faster. I fear at this pace, there may not be a ship to save soon. I will reserve my other comments till you get your cabinet in place.
God Speed, yadayadayada, God Bless Nigeria and when can we change our national anthem to Timi Dakolo’s great nation.
The Resident Introverted Talkative Of The Federal Republic