We were going to spend a whole 3 weeks in the village last Christmas, with no internet where depending on your network the best way to answer a call was by going outside or putting your phone and speaker and placing it by the window.  We were having some family time. What I mean to say is that we were being bullied by my cousin’s two year old baby.
One night, one of the cooks (I don’t know what he was but he was almost always in the outdoor kitchen) named Crook (not his real name, I wish it was though) sent my younger cousin to call me. It was around 10pm so I was a little surprised.
“Where your phone dey” he asked rather politely but assertively enough to make me wonder whether he was the one that bought the phone for me and determines where I carry it to. “I want to collect the game we talked about?” he continued. I laughed because I remembered that conversation ended with me telling him I didn’t have any game on my phone. Which I didn’t.
Anyways I handed him my phone so he would satisfy his curiosity. I stood there as he examined the phone and my mouth fell open when he surprisingly said “this one no be correct phone nah”. My inner ninja came alive and my leg was already moving for a bicycle kick before the Holy Spirit came upon me and reminded me his phone was Tecno (no disrespect to Tecno). He went on babbling for about three more minutes or so before the anointing left me and I yanked my phone from his hands and walked inside. All my cousins were looking at me wondering what he wanted with me. In typical fashion I responded “Nothing Jare.”
At some point I must have given him my phone number or he collected it while he was bastardising my phone because when we got back to Lagos, I received a message from a strange number late one night on Whatsapp that started with
“Sweetheart Are You Sleeping?”
My mind raced, through all the logical permutations to find who was responsible for this intro. I didn’t answer the message and after 10 minutes the same number called me. It was Crook!
I wanted to collapse. I felt violated. I cant remember what I said but I know the next few days he kept messaging me or trying to call me, telling me
“I want us to be friends”
I ignored as much as I could and eventually told him to stop calling me. I told him I was going to school and wouldn’t come back till August (even though I was fully aware I would be home by May and resume by August). I told him they don’t allow phones my school and was shocked when he offered I smuggle one or find one to call him with. Crook kept rambling on and eventually I just started saying “hello, hello, hello” and cut the phone.
He called back! The guy was determined to toast me, after 3 more rounds of the “hello” treatment, he stopped calling.
I’m still trying to understand what I’m doing wrong because I’m really really straight!


5 Replies to “MY GAY EXPERIENCES & Other Stories PART 2”

  1. Truthfully, I’m not surprised that men are attracted to you. There’s something effeminate about the way you carry yourself. Upon getting to know you, however, one would know that you are definitely not that way.
    But yes, we need to find you a girlfriend.


  2. My uncle’s wife calls me her husband and gives me preferential treatment… Should I make an article about my cougar experience? I dunno why I feel like he was messing with you.


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