I wrote this a while ago even before I started blogging, Enjoy.
A new day dawns. New opportunities arise. New decisions to make, actions to undertake. Life is essentially a routine for me. In many ways life is always a routine no matter how you see it. However I am having a problem with the merry-go-round that is my life. I know I ought to be a lot more than I am but I am not. I look around for who or what to trade blames with but I just can’t shake the conviction that there is nothing and no one that can dare share in the struggles of my life.
Every day I rise and put a smile on my face- a smile that has become cemented by the façade that is now my personality. I greet you as a friend and to some I greet you as an admirer yet I know that I am the one being admired. You tell me your problems and I share “words of wisdom” that I wish I knew. You tell me your problems but I dare not tell you mine lest your problems be drowned in mine. Not that I devalue your life’s challenges, nor do I neglect the fact that there might be more to it than you are telling me and possibly we are in the same boat but, I must be strong to keep the world moving.
The irony of the matter is that I know the answers to my problems or at least I do or do I really do? None the less the answers are as tiresome as my problems.
“What do you do when you don’t know what to do?” That was the long and short of the pastors’ sermons for as long as I can remember. “I have a question” was what I felt like shouting because all I know is I have problems and answers with no results. I have the symptoms and the medication but I can’t just get the medication down my throat. I have the hammer and the nail with a knowledge to how to send the nail in the wood, but I can’t seem to lift my hands. I wonder many times “what do you do when you know what to do and just can’t seem to do it?”
Perhaps I am the only one in this boat, maybe. Maybe not. But I am tired of being fake. I am tired of being the “joyful-mourner”, the “sick-doctor”, the “dumb-intellectual”, the “lazy-hard worker”, the “bad-good guy” and the “good-bad guy”.